Feedback on my PS.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
getmylawdegree15
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:31 pm

Feedback on my PS.

Postby getmylawdegree15 » Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:38 pm

Argentina and back
On a gloomy miserable day In August of 2009 my life seemed to be derailing with dissatisfaction. I sat on my computer in a tiny dorm room stripped of any décor or life for that matter. I could see my reflection as I glanced at the glistening white tile floor and thought; “how can I fill this void sense of accomplishment and purpose in my life”. The World Wide Web was bound to have an answer.
I began to research on the internet in the quest to find the solution to the unwarranted dissatisfaction for how my life was going. I browsed through several study abroad websites and decided traveling and learning a new language was something that would drastically alter my life and provide opportunities that were otherwise unimaginable. Given I attended such a small private university, the possibility of arranging a study abroad program through the school was not an option. I took it upon myself to contact an independent study abroad program to collaborate a place of study. I also had to insure transfer of credits through the foreign language department at my university.
In February of 2006, three months from that gloomy day in my dorm room, I found myself on a crowded Boeing 777 surrounded be many young strangers. All of us presumably coupled by the same unique circumstances of experiencing the cultural and linguistic challenges when residing in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The thrill and excitement of my first time in a country speaking a language other than my own was invigorating. Not only did I decide to travel alone, I knew no one neither going nor already living in Argentina at the time. The reality set in when I landed and I met with the host family as I quickly realized my grasp on the Spanish language would best be described as elementary, I could count on two hands the number of words in my Spanish speaking arsenal. However, I knew learning Argentinean Castellano and accustoming to a foreign city provided me the challenge and experience of a life-time that I was determined to meet head on with optimism, dedication, and humility.
The host family quickly became a home away from home. We shared breakfast and dinner together daily as a family should. Initially the communication process was slow and cumbersome as the language barrier hindered my personality and interaction with my new family. However, their persistence to constantly encourage me, practice with me, and share their culture with me, exemplified their compassion which fueled my desire to continue to learn. My host family invited me to dinner gatherings, where we would sit together twenty at a time consuming massive and exquisitely delicious portions of Argentine beef and wine. We discussed politics, customs, and life growing up in the United States as the alcohol provoked conversation both reverent and censorship less. It gave me an incredible sense of joy and pride that I could not only share my life with those from another country, but I could do it in a language other than English.
Apart from my new home life, I spent five hours a day five days a weeks in the first of a six month program in the classroom familiarizing with the language. I spent countless hours at home and on the street reading, practicing, and studying. By month four, after countless hours of immersion, study, headaches, and growing pains, I noticed the curve shifting. I was no longer an overwhelmed novice of Spanish but a fluent intellectual of Castellano.
Nevertheless, returning home from Argentina did not result in a halt in ardor I had for educating myself in Spanish. I did not want to waste the experience, time, and money devoted to learning a new language by simply accepting my new ability as it were. I proceeded to study Spanish when I returned to my university. Aside from taking eighteen credit hours to graduate on time, I obtained my minor in Spanish. I took every Spanish course offered at our school and was honored as the best non-native Spanish pupil by the foreign language department. Moreover, my ambition to study and learn a new language influenced those around me. My roommate and soccer teammate came to me for recommendation and he eventually traveled to Peru for foreign study in a program designed by the school. Upon my successful return from Argentina and a subsequent aspiration among the student body to study abroad, our university established its first official study abroad program.
My new linguistic skill now presented me with the opportunity to communicate to a new world of people from many diverse backgrounds, cultures, and countries. My lifelong passion of soccer carried me to meet many Latinos in my community. I currently play on Colombian soccer team as the only non-Latino in adult soccer league dominated by Latinos. The continual immersion and practice has allowed me to diminish my accent and learn dialects and speech unique to the friends I make. This assimilation I experience on a daily basis has opened my attitude and feelings toward a population of people different and unique from own with whom I can now share. My current job in the hospitality industry in Orlando also requires me to speak Spanish on a daily basis. My ability to assist and connect with people that seek familiarity, as in language, has partially filled the void I sought to fill.
I say partially because my enthusiasm for learning and being challenged is constantly pushing me forward into new endeavors. Attending law school will certainly be a welcomed and anticipated challenge. My intuitive and impulsive nature that led me to leap into a culture different than my own and vanquish a language barrier is the reason why I will be a great addition to any law school program. I believe I found some purpose in life by studying abroad and learning new cultures and connecting with different people. Political and cultural diversity intrigue me and as our country is more socially diverse than ever I will represent your law school as an open-minded, intelligent, and diverse lawyer.

I welcome and appreciate all feedback. Thanks in advance.

User avatar
ix88
Posts: 68
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2012 11:24 pm

Re: Feedback on my PS.

Postby ix88 » Fri Mar 16, 2012 11:06 pm

I'll be blunt and brutally honest: I find this PS difficult and borderline painful to read.

The sentences are really long, they might be run-ons.

The tone of the PS reminds me of an inner-thought monologue, which is not a good thing.

Syntax issues and awkward sentences aside: overall, the PS is unfocused.

We start with the WWW then a study-abroad program of some sort, then soccer and then a generic "why law school" conclusion that isn't a compelling argument anyway.

You wrote that you want to go to law school to learn, be challenged and push for new endeavors? You can do that in an MA/MS program. You can do that in Ph.D or even at a random job position. So why law school and nothing else?

I suggest a major revision where the PS maintains a primary focus. Also, I'd advise having someone good copy-edit your writing prior to submission.

getmylawdegree15
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:31 pm

Re: Feedback on my PS.

Postby getmylawdegree15 » Thu Mar 22, 2012 12:59 pm

I appreciate your criticism.
My intent is to narrate my experience on traveling abroad, becoming fluent in Spanish, and then incorporate my assimilation in the Latin community today. The overlying theme here is diversity and real world experience. Connecting everything with being bilingual and passion to learn is what i want to get across.

Argentina and back
On a gloomy dark day in October of 2009 my life seemed to be derailing with dissatisfaction. I was on my computer encaged in a morbid dorm room aimlessly browsing the internet for ideas of purpose in life. The subconscious provoked my curiosity and soon my passions in life were flashing on the computer screen. Traveling and playing soccer was all I wanted to do. I came across several independent study abroad programs and without hesitation I knew this is what I wanted to do. I immediately contacted the university department head and began talks for an arrangement to study abroad. My first obstacle was to insure transfer of credits through the foreign language department at my university. Inconveniently, I attended a small private university and the possibility of arranging a study abroad program through the school was not an option. It was up to me to contact an independent study abroad program to collaborate a place of study.
By February of 2006, I was bound for Argentina on a crowded Boeing 777 surrounded by many young strangers. All of us presumably coupled by the same unique circumstances of experiencing the cultural and linguistic challenges when residing in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The thrill and excitement of my first time in a country speaking a language other than my own was invigorating. The excitement alone blocked the fear I might experience when travelling alone. I would be planted in this bustling city for six months and I was determined to make the best of it.
Then reality slapped me in the face when I landed and I met with the host family. I quickly realized my grasp on the Spanish language would best be described as elementary; I could count on two hands the number of words in my Spanish speaking arsenal. However, I knew learning Argentinean Castellano and accustoming to a foreign city provided me the challenge and experience of a life-time that could alleviate some of the unwarranted dissatisfaction in my life.
The host family quickly became a home away from home. We shared breakfast and dinner together daily as a family should. Initially the communication process was slow and cumbersome. Interaction was limited and my personality was waiting to burst through like sun rays on a cloudy day. However, their compassion and persistence to learn their language and culture fueled my desire to continue to learn. The host family introduced me to the Argentinean lifestyle. On Sundays we went to eat Argentinean style barbecue at the park with friends and family. They invited me to dinner gatherings in the “barrios”, or suburbs; uncharted territory. I sat among the family, twenty at a time consuming massive and exquisitely delicious portions of Argentine wine and beef. We discussed politics, customs, and life growing up in the United States as the alcohol provided the passion of words. It gave me an incredible sense of joy and pride that I could not only share my life with those from another country, but I could do so in a language other than English.
Apart from my new home life, I spent thirty hours a week in the classroom for a six month program familiarizing with the language. I spent countless hours at home and on the street reading, practicing, and studying. By month four, after countless hours of studying and headaches, I noticed the curve shifting. I was no longer an overwhelmed novice of Spanish but a fluent intellectual of Castellano.
Nevertheless, my desire to continue to learn the Spanish language did not cease upon my return from Argentina. I could not waste the experience, time, and money devoted to learning a new language by simply accepting my new ability as it were. Aside from taking eighteen credit hours to graduate on time, I obtained my minor in Spanish. I took every Spanish course offered at our school and was honored as the best non-native Spanish pupil by the foreign language department. Moreover, my ambition to study and learn a new language influenced those around me. My roommate came to me for recommendation and he eventually traveled to Peru in a program designed by the school. My successful adventure in Argentina inspired others from my class to study abroad and consequently lead our university to establish its first official study abroad program.
Fluency in Spanish now presented me with the opportunity to communicate to a new world of people from many diverse cultures. Moreover, the Spanish community shares a special relationship with soccer, which I am ever more a part of. I have assimilated among the Latin community as a talented soccer player and Spanish speaker. The constant immersion and practice has allowed me to diminish my accent and learn dialects and speech unique to the friends I make. The interaction I experience on a daily basis has given me an understanding of a population of people different and unique from my own. It opened my attitude and feelings to those in difficult situations, resulting in a newfound compassion for immigrants and anyone struggling for a better life.
The compassion has turned into a willingness to fight for those fighting for themselves. For this reason attending law school is my next endeavor in helping those around me. My intuitive and impulsive nature that led me to leap into a culture different than my own and vanquish a language barrier is the reason why I will be a great addition to any law school program. I believe I found some purpose in life by studying abroad, learning new cultures, and connecting with different people. Political and cultural diversity intrigue me and as our country is more socially diverse than ever I will represent your law school as an open-minded, intelligent, and diverse lawyer.

User avatar
WannaGo
Posts: 39
Joined: Wed Mar 23, 2011 3:12 pm

Re: Feedback on my PS.

Postby WannaGo » Thu Mar 22, 2012 4:40 pm

Ix88 is right about trying to find a clear purpose and having it copy-edited. I think you're too caught up in the details given the purpose of the essay. I would recommend first outlining the main points about how this experience has either prepared or inspired you to pursue law. From there, write specifically to those points.

I don't think it's necessary to start all over but there's a lot I would recommend removing.

For instance, the way I read your opening paragraph, it almost seems to suggest you were restless at your university, so you googled a way to make yourself happy and found that the best solution was to run away for a semester to another country. I would scrap your first paragraph and either start with an insightful "this is how far I've come" or a positive "this is where I knew I wanted to go and how I got there" kind of theme.

I didn't go through the entire essay. I think it would be better if you sat down, read each sentence and asked yourself, "Is this strengthening my point?" - the ones you identified from your outline.

You talk about dissatisfaction in your life but you don't give any explanation. If you're the traditional college student, it's easy to dismiss you as a spoiled college kid. Let's either give a compelling tug-on-the-heartstrings because of my unfortunate story or removing the theme altogether. Your comment about the wine helping you speak the language without reservation, while amusing (and I can certainly relate) runs the risk of coming off as an college student drinking underage in foreign country. I would get rid of that, too.

Remember, you are the young explorer of uncharted territory that, through your travels, has found a passion for international law (or whatever).


getmylawdegree15 wrote:I appreciate your criticism.
My intent is to narrate my experience on traveling abroad, becoming fluent in Spanish, and then incorporate my assimilation in the Latin community today. The overlying theme here is diversity and real world experience. Connecting everything with being bilingual and passion to learn is what i want to get across.

Argentina and back
On a gloomy dark day in October of 2009 my life seemed to be derailing with dissatisfaction. I was on my computer encaged in a morbid dorm room aimlessly browsing the internet for ideas of purpose in life. The subconscious provoked my curiosity and soon my passions in life were flashing on the computer screen. Traveling and playing soccer was all I wanted to do.I came across several independent study abroad programs and without hesitation I knew this is what I wanted to do. I immediately contacted the university department head and began talks for an arrangement to study abroad. My first obstacle was to insure transfer of credits through the foreign language department at my university. Inconveniently,I attended a small private university and the possibility of arranging a study abroad program through the school was not an option. It was up to me to contact an independent study abroad program to collaborate a place of study.
By February of 2006, I was bound for Argentina on a crowded Boeing 777 surrounded by many young strangers. All of us presumably coupled by the same unique circumstances of experiencing the cultural and linguistic challenges when residing in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The thrill and excitement of my first time in a country speaking a language other than my own was invigorating. The excitement aloneand blocked the fear I might experience when traveling alone. I would be planted in this bustling city for six months and I was determined to make the best of it.
Then reality slapped me in the face when I landed and Imet with the host family. I and quickly realized my grasp on the Spanish language would best be described as elementary; I could count on two hands the number of words in my Spanish speaking arsenal. However, I knew learning Argentinean Castellano and accustoming to a foreign city provided me the challenge and experience of a life-timethat could alleviate some of the unwarranted dissatisfaction in my life.
The host family quickly became a home away from home. We shared breakfast and dinner together daily as a family should.Initially the communication process was slow and cumbersome. Interaction was limited and my personality was waiting to burst through like sun rays on a cloudy day. However, their compassion and persistence to learn their language and culture fueled my desire to continue to learn. The host family introduced me to the Argentinean lifestyle. On Sundays we went to eat Argentinean style barbecue at the park with friends and family.They invited me to dinner gatherings in the “barrios”, or suburbs; uncharted territory. I sat among the family, twenty at a time consuming massive and exquisitely delicious portions of Argentine wine and beef. We discussed politics, customs, and life growing up in the United Statesas the alcohol provided the passion of words. It gave me an incredible sense of joy and pride that I could not only share my life with those from another country, but I could do so in a language other than English.
Apart from my new home life, I spent thirty hours a week in the classroom for a six month program familiarizing with the language. I spent countless hours at home and on the street reading, practicing, and studying. By month four, after countless hours of studying and headaches, I noticed the curve shifting. I was no longer an overwhelmed novice of Spanish but a fluent intellectual of Castellano.
Nevertheless, my desire to continue to learn the Spanish language did not cease upon my return from Argentina. I could not waste the experience, time, and money devoted to learning a new language by simply accepting my new ability as it were. Aside from taking eighteen credit hours to graduate on time, I obtained my minor in Spanish. I took every Spanish course offered at our school and was honored as the best non-native Spanish pupil by the foreign language department. Moreover, my ambition to study and learn a new language influenced those around me. My roommate came to me for recommendation and he eventually traveled to Peru in a program designed by the school. My successful adventure in Argentina inspired others from my class to study abroad and consequently lead our university to establish its first official study abroad program.
Fluency in Spanish now presented me with the opportunity to communicate to a new world of people from many diverse cultures. Moreover, the Spanish community shares a special relationship with soccer, which I am ever more a part of. I have assimilated among the Latin community as a talented soccer player and Spanish speaker. The constant immersion and practice has allowed me to diminish my accent and learn dialects and speech unique to the friends I make. The interaction I experience on a daily basis has given me an understanding of a population of people different and unique from my own. It opened my attitude and feelings to those in difficult situations, resulting in a newfound compassion for immigrants and anyone struggling for a better life.
The compassion has turned into a willingness to fight for those fighting for themselves. For this reason attending law school is my next endeavor in helping those around me. My intuitive and impulsive nature that led me to leap into a culture different than my own and vanquish a language barrier is the reason why I will be a great addition to any law school program. I believe I found some purpose in life by studying abroad, learning new cultures, and connecting with different people. Political and cultural diversity intrigue me and as our country is more socially diverse than ever I will represent your law school as an open-minded, intelligent, and diverse lawyer.

getmylawdegree15
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Mar 13, 2012 12:31 pm

Re: Feedback on my PS. Latest revisions

Postby getmylawdegree15 » Mon Mar 26, 2012 3:27 pm

The latest revisions. Would love some more feedback


Argentina and back
Like many 19-year-old sophomores I felt a loss for a sense of purpose in my life. I was teased with apprehension knowing I was heading down the wrong road of graduating with a generic business degree. Something was missing: I was living a life without challenge.

One fall afternoon I was in my dorm room aimlessly browsing the Internet and I came across several independent study abroad programs, and without hesitation I knew this is what I wanted to do. Identifying the two principal passions in my life, studying abroad would allow me to fulfill the desire to travel and play soccer. I immediately contacted the university’s language department head and began talks for an arrangement of international study. My first obstacle was to insure transfer of credits through the foreign language department at my university. Since I attended a small private university the possibility of arranging a study abroad program through the school was not an option. It was up to me to contact an independent study abroad program to collaborate a place of study.

My determination paid off and n February of 2006, I was bound for Argentina on a crowded Boeing 777 surrounded by many young strangers. All of us presumably coupled by the same unique circumstances of experiencing cultural and linguistic challenges while residing in Buenos Aires, Argentina. The thrill and excitement of my first time in a country speaking a language other than my own was invigorating. The excitement alone blocked the fear I might have experienced when traveling alone. I would be planted in this bustling city for six months, and I was determined to make the best of it.

Soon I was slapped in the face by reality when I met with the host family. I quickly realized that three years of high school Spanish was not sufficient to prepare me for the day to day environment of a Spanish speaking country; I could count on two hands the number of words in my Spanish speaking arsenal. However, I knew learning Argentinean Castellano and accustoming myself to a foreign city provided me the challenge and experience of a life-time that could relieve some of the unwarranted
dissatisfaction in my life.

The host family quickly became a home away from home. We shared breakfast and dinner together daily as a family should. Initially the communication process was slow and cumbersome. Interaction was limited and I felt unable to express my personality. However, their compassion and encouragement to learn their language and culture fueled my desire to continue to learn. My new family introduced me to the Argentinean lifestyle. On Sundays we went to eat Argentinean style barbecue at the park with friends and family. They invited me to dinner gatherings in the “barrios”, or suburbs; uncharted territory. I sat among the family, twenty at a time consuming massive and exquisitely delicious portions of Argentine wine and beef. We discussed politics, customs, and life growing up in the United States. It gave me an incredible sense of joy and pride that I could not only share my life with those from another country, but I could do so in a language other than English.

Apart from my new home life, I spent thirty hours a week in the classroom for a six month program familiarizing with the language. I spent countless hours at home and on the street reading, practicing, and studying. By month four, after countless hours of studying and headaches, I noticed the curve shifting. I was no longer an overwhelmed novice of Spanish but was gradually becoming fluent in Castellano.

Nevertheless, my desire to continue to learn the Spanish language did not cease upon my return from Argentina. I had no intention in wasting the experience, time, and money devoted to learning a new language by simply accepting my new ability as it were. Returning home only fueled my passion for becoming fluent in Spanish. Aside from taking eighteen credit hours to graduate on time, I declared a minor in Spanish and was honored as the best non-native Spanish pupil by the foreign language department. Moreover, my passion for travel and learning a new language inspired others around me to do the same. My roommate came to me for recommendation and he eventually traveled to Peru in a program designed by the school. Because my study abroad experience was so successful, my university established its first official study abroad program.

Learning about a new culture and language now presented me with the opportunity to communicate to a new world of people from many diverse cultures. Moreover, the Spanish community shares a special relationship with soccer, which I am ever more a part of. My lifelong passion for soccer has enabled me to create many new relationships in the Latin community. I have assimilated among the Latin community as a talented soccer player and Spanish speaker. The continual interaction between myself and the Spanish community has allowed me to continue to grow in my language skills, learning and understanding the nuances of different dialects.

The interaction I experience on a daily basis has given me an understanding of a unique population different from my own. It opened my feelings to those in difficult situations, resulting in a newfound compassion for immigrants and anyone struggling for a better life. The compassion has turned into a willingness to fight for those fighting for themselves. For this reason attending law school was my next endeavor in helping those around me. My determination, focus, discipline and perseverance that led me to South America and learn an entirely new language is the reason why I will be a great addition to any law school program. I believe I found some purpose in life by studying abroad, learning new cultures, and connecting with different people. Political and cultural diversity intrigue me and as our country is more socially diverse than ever, the role of law is instrumental of social change. I plan to represent your law school as in the role of legal aid to establish the rights of immigrants and do so with the utmost reverence for this institution.




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