Any Feedback would be great! Thanks!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ugobabe86
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Any Feedback would be great! Thanks!

Postby ugobabe86 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:24 am

Back to the drawing board. :lol:
Last edited by ugobabe86 on Tue Mar 13, 2012 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ugobabe86
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Re: Any Feedback would be great! Thanks!

Postby ugobabe86 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:32 pm

Please any help would be appreciated.

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JDizzle2015
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Re: Any Feedback would be great! Thanks!

Postby JDizzle2015 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 2:26 pm

Just suggestions, feel free to disregard any or all that you don't agree with. Good luck!!

ugobabe86 wrote:I believe that my childhood experiences in Nigeria, subsequent work as a guardian ad litem with the court appointed special advocate program and my professional goal to continue to pursue advocacy on behalf of children distinguishes me from other law school candidates.Your PS would be stronger if you started it with your second sentence and try to naturally work in the points of your first sentence so it doesn't feel like you're listing qualifications. As is, there's a bit of an awkward shift from a list to the beginning of a narrative. Also, I'm a fan of the Oxford comma. :D I was attending the South Carolina Fast-a-thon, hosted by the Muslim Student Association. Sitting at my table, sipping water and cordially engaging those around me, I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee, and she had lost both her legs to a missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of children like her. Sadly, as is often the case, the children suffer most and her story served as a reminder of the high cost of war.

The following paragraph can be taken out of this personal statement and worked into a very persuasive diversity statement that links well with your overall admissions package.
Being raised in Nigeria, I was well aware of the corruption that ran rampant amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Being witness to the horrors of children being held for ransom, or used as objects for all manners of abuse, these were realities that I lived with for many years of my life. Violence in my life became normalized and I went on without a single thought that things could be different and better. This was in the forefront of my mind when I met Salee, I realized that passivity wasn’t an option that I would ever be comfortable with, I was no longer able to idly go about my life while knowing the dangers these children face in their daily lives.

I found an opportunity to be engaged and constructive as a court appointed advocate with C.A.S.A. of Richland. I worked with children dealing with abuse and neglect, finding ways to help them through counseling. My first case involved a young girl named Brianna, who struggled to deal with the emotional pains of her situation—which involved living with parents dealing with drug addiction and a mother who routinely stole Brianna’s social security checks. I was determined to be her voice, to represent her needs; however, I could not do it alone. It took a month and a half to gain her trust. Working with her, I realized how critical professional advocacy is to the well-being of children, which has reaffirmed my decision to fight for their rights.

It would be helpful to include a paragraph here to give AdComm a sense of what you were feeling while advocating for these children. This statement goes from describing Salee and Brianna's backgrounds directly to what you plan on doing with a law degree. I would be more interested in getting a better picture of how working with these kids made you decide that advocating for them is something you would like to do as a career. Describe your personal fulfillment in helping these kids. While it's important to give your reader a background to your story, you and your reactions/experiences should be the emphasis of your personal statement. Keep in mind that the admissions committees want to get to know you.

Through this I have gained an understanding that representing a cause goes beyond advocacy. I can identify with these kids and, thus, understand the value of acting on their behalf; it is about seeing below the surface and understanding the value of the child. This has steered me towards law school, where I hope to go beyond the courtroom and effectively spark a change in the way children and individuals are treated.

The University Of South Carolina School Of Law provides a great combination of legal study and community service; two key features that attract me to the university. As an undergrad, I enjoyed being part of the Gamecock community; having always felt that I was part of a greater community of people.Considering changing the structure of the second sentence to avoid repetitiveness. e.g. "During my undergraduate years, I enjoyed the feeling I had from being part of the greater Gamecock community. As a student I look forward to contributing my experiences as a court appointed advocate and my personal history to my fellow classmates. Also, to continue my role with C.A.S.A. that has close ties with the law school. This seems like a fragment. Grammar-savvy people can/should correct me if I'm wrong.

I also have had the pleasure of visiting Professor XXXX sitting in on his Contracts I lecture; I felt welcomed by the students who spoke about their experiences and how much they loved the environment. I hope to translate all the education I will gain into actions with international organizations with a focus on policies and the enforcement of those policies. I believe the University Of South Carolina School Of Law will provide me with the skills to be effective in my future career.

I'm not an English major by any stretch of the imagination. But I included some suggestions that I think could strengthen your personal statement and your whole application package. HTH.

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ugobabe86
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Re: Any Feedback would be great! Thanks!

Postby ugobabe86 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 7:59 pm

Thank you. :)




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