Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Fri Mar 09, 2012 12:16 am

Thank you in advance for any suggestions made, i really appreciate it.

Uninterested as to why my Science teacher was sending a fellow peer to the principles office, I continued to doodle in my notebook in anticipation for my lunch bell to ring. I wasn’t hungry for todays "questionable" government Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes but I definitely yearned for a break. The congested lunchroom seemed a little off today, and I sensed that something bad was going to happen. Before I knew it, a fight broke out between two rivalry gangs. With everyone panicking and running in every direction, people started to trample over each other. After five minutes of dodging punches and avoiding getting trampled; the police barricaded the crowd in attempts to gain control. Since the police was outnumbered, they tried to calm the mob of students with pepper spray. Fortunately for me, I escaped the ruthless crowd with only an extremely dry throat and burning eyes. A riot, a ruthless stabbing or a drug arrest was included in a typical day at XXX High School and getting yourself out of complicated situations is essential in staying safe.

I was born to parents that migrated from XXX to XXX, XX in the late 1970s. XXX is a small city but has always been a rough place to grow up. I envisioned myself going down a path that didn’t look promising and I decided that I needed a change. Escaping an environment that promoted broken homes and ignorance was rare for someone of my background, and I desired to be in an environment where I can engross myself around encouraging examples. At the age of fifteen I have exercised my proactive skills and discovered out a way out of this lunacy. Against my mother’s notions, I persuaded my father in XXXX to let me move in with him for a better educational opportunity.

Since moving, I have grew accustom to my new environment and adjusted academically to a more rigorous curriculum. Furthermore, after demonstrating my hard work and fine-tuning of my studies, I was later accepted to XXXX XXX University as being the first in my family to attend and graduate College. Since I wasn’t born into a privileged family, I had to work throughout my college career to put myself through school. Additionally, my volunteerism amongst various organizations has allowed me to work with people from different cultures and backgrounds. As a result, my accomplishments have created a path for my family members and an illustration for the member’s of my community.

When I reminisce about my times at XXXX High School, I am reminded of how I continue to take a sticky situation and turn it into a smoother outcome. After overcoming my environment, I believe my humility, dedication and openness to new environments can aid to your classroom environment. Despite coming from a deprived social economic background, I have thrown myself into challenging situations that demonstrate strength and integrity to approach problems differently. My propensity for business has leaded me to purse a degree in managerial sciences, and excel in courses such as Business Law, Negations, and Introduction to Logic. What brings me to your law school is my passion for protecting the fairness of those who may not know how to get themselves out of unfortunate circumstances. Recognizing that are not many individuals in my community that are lawyers, I want to be one of the few to add a different prospective to your law school.

Mbrown202
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Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Fri Mar 09, 2012 2:03 pm

Any thoughts? Is it that bad?

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ix88
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Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby ix88 » Sat Mar 10, 2012 12:58 pm

There are various grammar issues. "Police" is a singular while "police officers" are a plural.

Also, the PS does not elaborate on how growing up in a rough neighborhood molded you into who you are today. How specifically did it affect you? Ok, sure your high school years were in gang areas - so what, how specifically did that affect you as a person, how did it affect your academics and character development?

The PS also does not show that you are a leader and that you've made meaningful changes in other people's lives, which might be ideal.

Regarding, "I continue to take a sticky situation and turn it into a smoother outcome." How so?

This PS does a lot of telling and not showing.

Instead of telling us that you are dedicated and filled with humility, show us that you are. The PS doesn't show us, but rather gives us your opinion.

I like your PS topic and I think it has a lot of potential, it just needs a few revisions.

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MachineLemon
Posts: 375
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 9:47 am

Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby MachineLemon » Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:18 pm

You need to cut words and tighten sentences. It's not a length issues, you are simply too wordy. Try to think of your PS as a speech, not an essay. Always read your written work aloud--it forces you to adopt a more fluid and less turgid style.

Here's an example:

Uninterested as to why my Science teacher was sending a fellow peer to the principles office, I continued to doodle in my notebook in anticipation for my lunch bell to ring.


This could be changed to:

"I didn't care why my science teacher was sending my classmate to the principal's office. I just doodled in my notebook, longing for the lunch bell to ring."

Edit: Fixed "principle." Thanks JoeMo.
Last edited by MachineLemon on Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:42 pm

ix88 wrote:There are various grammar issues. "Police" is a singular while "police officers" are a plural.

Also, the PS does not elaborate on how growing up in a rough neighborhood molded you into who you are today. How specifically did it affect you? Ok, sure your high school years were in gang areas - so what, how specifically did that affect you as a person, how did it affect your academics and character development?

The PS also does not show that you are a leader and that you've made meaningful changes in other people's lives, which might be ideal.

Regarding, "I continue to take a sticky situation and turn it into a smoother outcome." How so?

This PS does a lot of telling and not showing.

Instead of telling us that you are dedicated and filled with humility, show us that you are. The PS doesn't show us, but rather gives us your opinion.

I like your PS topic and I think it has a lot of potential, it just needs a few revisions.



Thank you, i appreciate it ... at least now i know I'm heading down the right track.

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Sat Mar 10, 2012 3:43 pm

MachineLemon wrote:You need to cut words and tighten sentences. It's not a length issues, you are simply too wordy. Try to think of your PS as a speech, not an essay. Always read your written work aloud--it forces you to adopt a more fluid and less turgid style.

Here's an example:

Uninterested as to why my Science teacher was sending a fellow peer to the principles office, I continued to doodle in my notebook in anticipation for my lunch bell to ring.


This could be changed to:

"I didn't care why my science teacher was sending my classmate to the principle's office. I just doodled in my notebook, longing for the lunch bell to ring."


Great suggestion, i will have that in mind when I'm revising it... thank you

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MachineLemon
Posts: 375
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Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby MachineLemon » Sat Mar 10, 2012 8:35 pm

Mbrown202 wrote:
Great suggestion, i will have that in mind when I'm revising it... thank you


Np, good luck!

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 11:42 am

Here's a second take on my PS

I aimed to be more personal on how the my environment made me feel and show a bit of my character in my volunteerism.


I didn’t care why my teacher was sending my classmate to the principle’s office. I just doodled in my notebook, longing for the lunch bell to ring. I wasn’t hungry for today’s "questionable" government Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes but I definitely yearned for a break. The congested lunchroom seemed a little off today, and sensed that something bad was going to happen. Before I knew it, a fight broke out between two rivalry gangs. With everyone panicking and running in various directions, people started to trample over each other. After five minutes of dodging punches and avoiding getting trampled; the police officers barricaded the crowd in attempts to gain control. The outnumbered police officers tried to clam the riot with paper spray. Fortunately for me, I escaped the ruthless crowd with only an extremely dry throat and burning eyes. This was my every life at XXXX High School and fighting my way out of complicated situations soon became second nature.

I was born to parents that migrated from XXX to XXXX in the late 1970s. I was sucked into the world violence, continually fighting for my safety because of my affiliations. With the constant fear of losing yet another friend, I attended more funerals then graduations. Escaping an environment that promoted broken homes and ignorance was rare for someone of my background. Due to that, I desired an environment where I can engross myself around encouraging examples. At fifteen I exercised my proactive skills and discovered a way out of this lunacy. Against my mother’s notion, I persuaded my father in XXXX to let me move in for better educational opportunity.

Since moving, I grew accustom to my new environment and adjusted academically to a rigorous curriculum. After obtaining my Associates in Science, I was later accepted to XXXX XXX University as being the first in my family to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree. Because I wasn’t born into a privileged family, I worked throughout my college career to put myself through school. Additionally, my volunteerism amongst various organizations allowed me to interact with people from different cultures and backgrounds. Also, my dedication in advising misbehaved children gives me a sense of appreciation. Meanwhile, my assistance in restoration of old homes for senior citizens maintains my humility. As a result, my accomplishments cleared a path for the members of my family and community.

It was my experience at XXX High School that permitted me to comprehend the idea of placing yourself before opportunities. I understood that the only person who was going to save me from becoming a statistic was myself. Despite coming from a deprived social economic background, I would like to throw myself into challenging situations and approach problems differently to aid the legal profession. My propensity for business has led me to purse a degree in managerial sciences, and excel in courses such as Business Law, Negations, and Introduction to Logic. What brings me to your law school is my passion for protecting the fairness of those who may be immovable in unfortunate circumstances. I recognize that not many people in my community become lawyers. Consequentially, I desire to be one of the limited who intensifies a distinctive prospective to your law school.

Thanks for reading

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JoeMo
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Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby JoeMo » Mon Mar 12, 2012 11:50 am

It's principal, not principle. You can't make a mistake like that in your first sentence.

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JoeMo
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Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby JoeMo » Mon Mar 12, 2012 11:52 am

I read a little bit further and the grammar is pretty bad.

Rivalry gangs should be rival gangs.

It doesn't really have a good flow.

I would say your best bet is to bring this to a writing tutor at your undergrad and have them help you with the grammatical issues. Unless you iron those out, it doesn't really matter what you're trying to say because those issues are going to stick out like a sore thumb.

It may sound harsh but I'd hate to see you apply with a poorly crafted PS and then not get what you want out of your application cycle.

Good luck!

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:02 pm

JoeMo wrote:I read a little bit further and the grammar is pretty bad.

Rivalry gangs should be rival gangs.

It doesn't really have a good flow.

I would say your best bet is to bring this to a writing tutor at your undergrad and have them help you with the grammatical issues. Unless you iron those out, it doesn't really matter what you're trying to say because those issues are going to stick out like a sore thumb.

It may sound harsh but I'd hate to see you apply with a poorly crafted PS and then not get what you want out of your application cycle.

Good luck!



Yes i do agree i that i have a very bad grammatical issue, unfortunately I'm away from my undergrad in a new city. Hopefully i can find a place that can assist me. Thank you i need constructive criticism!!!

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JoeMo
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Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby JoeMo » Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:21 pm

Mbrown202 wrote:
JoeMo wrote:I read a little bit further and the grammar is pretty bad.

Rivalry gangs should be rival gangs.

It doesn't really have a good flow.

I would say your best bet is to bring this to a writing tutor at your undergrad and have them help you with the grammatical issues. Unless you iron those out, it doesn't really matter what you're trying to say because those issues are going to stick out like a sore thumb.

It may sound harsh but I'd hate to see you apply with a poorly crafted PS and then not get what you want out of your application cycle.

Good luck!



Yes i do agree i that i have a very bad grammatical issue, unfortunately I'm away from my undergrad in a new city. Hopefully i can find a place that can assist me. Thank you i need constructive criticism!!!


In that case, there are people on here that are usually willing to look over your PS but perhaps in a PM... I'd be willing to do it but I don't have time today. If you want to send it to me tomorrow perhaps I can take a look and see if I can help you.

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: Really Need Help!! first Draft of PS!!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Mon Mar 12, 2012 12:25 pm

JoeMo wrote:
Mbrown202 wrote:
JoeMo wrote:I read a little bit further and the grammar is pretty bad.

Rivalry gangs should be rival gangs.

It doesn't really have a good flow.

I would say your best bet is to bring this to a writing tutor at your undergrad and have them help you with the grammatical issues. Unless you iron those out, it doesn't really matter what you're trying to say because those issues are going to stick out like a sore thumb.

It may sound harsh but I'd hate to see you apply with a poorly crafted PS and then not get what you want out of your application cycle.

Good luck!



Yes i do agree i that i have a very bad grammatical issue, unfortunately I'm away from my undergrad in a new city. Hopefully i can find a place that can assist me. Thank you i need constructive criticism!!!


In that case, there are people on here that are usually willing to look over your PS but perhaps in a PM... I'd be willing to do it but I don't have time today. If you want to send it to me tomorrow perhaps I can take a look and see if I can help you.



It would be such a great help if you can. I really would appreciate that :D :D




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