Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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dirtrida2
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Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 6:49 pm

::EDIT::

Scroll down to see the updated version,

Thank You!
Last edited by dirtrida2 on Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:18 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 6:55 pm

As my own personal critique I feel that I could go into more detail about the alcoholism, touch upon the extent of the abuse?

The details about the internship, 3yrs long, will be added to, I just wanted to make sure I was approaching this in an appropriate manner before I ensued.

I really wanted to tell a story and hopefully make the read more enjoying than a basic 2-page self promotion. Though in doing so, I think I didn't talk enough about my skills and abilities? Im hoping that my focus on law-experience will set me a part from the majority of candidates going to law school to escape the economy or make their liberal arts degrees meaningful.

Any recommendations would be very much appreciated!

I can compensate in return with any computer help or web design help you may need =D

Thank you!

CanadianWolf
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Mar 08, 2012 6:58 pm

Your final paragraph is atrocious; clearly, you are trying too hard to impress the reader.
Poor word selection dilutes the impact of your message.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:02 pm

The first paragraph is the best of the four. The second paragraph is unnecessary & overly dramatic; it raises more questions about you than it answers. The third paragraph should be reduced to one concise sentence. The fourth paragraph needs to be redone.

The first paragraph introduces your theme, but you take it in the wrong direction. Rather than giving blow by blow details, consider expanding upon how your home life impacted your development in less judgmental terms and in a more reflective manner.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:06 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:02 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Your final paragraph is atrocious; clearly, you are trying too hard to impress the reader.
Poor word selection dilutes the impact of your message.


Yea as you can see my writing quickly takes a turn in a different direction. As I kept going through my statement I got nervous that I wasn't speaking enough about my talents or promoting my interests.

If acceptable, I would love to keep the statement more focused on the values of experience and less on pitching myself to the board.

Can I still make this work?

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:04 pm

Scrap the whole second paragraph? Tell nothing of the story?

What will be the context of my PS, my experience at the internship? How my experience sets me a part?

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:07 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:The first paragraph is the best of the four. The second paragraph is unnecessary & overly dramatic; it raises more questions about you than it answers. The third paragraph should be reduced to one concise sentence. The fourth paragraph needs to be redone.

The first paragraph introduces your theme, but you take it in the wrong direction. Rather than giving blow by blow details, consider expanding upon how your home life impacted your development in less judgmental terms and in a more reflective manner.


thank you for the criticism

CanadianWolf
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:10 pm

Also, you need to be much more discerning regarding your choice of words. Sometimes fewer words can make a greater impact on the reader. Traumatic experiences can be used to write a detailed horror story or to share insights; law schools are looking for the latter.

caminante
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby caminante » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:13 pm

I think the topics you try to cover are too broad for a personal statement. You'd be better off writing a really positive personal statement about something that you're really proud of that you've done recently.

Then, you can write a diversity statement showing that you have a different outlook on life due to your background. However, try to put a positive spin on your difficult past to show that while it has certainly affected you, you have grown and become a better person because of it. You do not need to go into detail about what you faced, in fact I don't think you should. Instead, highlight the positive traits you have developed that set you apart from others.

Just a couple of thoughts from me :)

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:56 pm

caminante wrote:I think the topics you try to cover are too broad for a personal statement. You'd be better off writing a really positive personal statement about something that you're really proud of that you've done recently.

Then, you can write a diversity statement showing that you have a different outlook on life due to your background. However, try to put a positive spin on your difficult past to show that while it has certainly affected you, you have grown and become a better person because of it. You do not need to go into detail about what you faced, in fact I don't think you should. Instead, highlight the positive traits you have developed that set you apart from others.

Just a couple of thoughts from me :)


I thank you greatly for your opinion and think your tips are quite valuable. Unfortunately I am pretty bent on making this work and don't have much time before I send it out.

I was expecting two take 2 years off and continue interning before I applied to law school, but was blind sided by a good offer and would like to get my JD asap.

This needs to be done by next week. My ugpa/lsat is strong for where I am applying and they wont hold me back, but I also don't want to look like some sham sending in a poor personal statement.

Thanks again for your critique!

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 7:57 pm

*Deleted, revised, sent in*

Thank you
Last edited by dirtrida2 on Thu Mar 15, 2012 6:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 9:18 pm

<3

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Sat Mar 10, 2012 12:10 pm

Any final comments

CanadianWolf
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Mar 10, 2012 12:27 pm

Although still in need of work, this version is much better than your earlier posted version.

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Sat Mar 10, 2012 6:07 pm

Still slowly working on it, but I thank you for your criticism!

JasonR
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby JasonR » Sun Mar 11, 2012 1:40 am

This PS still suffers from poor word choice in several places. Especially egregious are your uses of the words aberration and invaluable (second instance). Not liking versed, either. And do not use the word nugatory anywhere in your PS. It sounds like it was fetched straight from the thesaurus.

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dirtrida2
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Re: Could someone please help review my PS - Thank you!

Postby dirtrida2 » Sun Mar 11, 2012 6:27 pm

Thanks, I appreciate your honest comments.

Definitely tried a little too hard, should probably tone down on some of the vocab.




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