What do you think about my PS?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
skarrysnowman
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 7:42 pm

What do you think about my PS?

Postby skarrysnowman » Wed Mar 07, 2012 8:28 pm

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Last edited by skarrysnowman on Thu Mar 22, 2012 2:00 am, edited 1 time in total.

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thelawschoolproject
Posts: 1364
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Re: What do you think about my PS?

Postby thelawschoolproject » Thu Mar 08, 2012 8:45 pm

Thoughts:

1). I don't feel like your PS is focused enough. I can tell that the major topic at hand is the birth of your daughter. However, the way it's presented is relatively scattered. If she is to be the major factor in your life that changed you, then you should set up that situation better. By this I mean you need to explain who you were before you had a daughter and and who you were after. Show us this change in you.

2). Most people make the mistake of thinking a PS means explaining why you want to go to law school. This is incorrect. A PS merely needs to tell a personal story about you. It's true that sometimes tying in law is the most advantageous path, but I'm not sure that for you it is. Ending your essay on the "why law school" note kind of detracts from your story, imo.

3). When you say that you're a junior in college, I assume that puts you around the age of 21, which while young isn't unheard of for parenthood. Then, you proceed to say you're 19 which is significantly different imo, it makes you appear less mature than I would envision a 21 year-old being. I would try to set this up in a different way so that your reader understands your position from the beginning.

4). I'm not sure why you spend so much time mentioning the fraternity. I guess it's because that's where your leadership is? But I think it detracts from your story. I think your entire PS should be about becoming a father at 19 and how that's shaped the person you are. This stuff about doing frat initiation and whatnot isn't really unique or pertinent. And, it appears in your resume.

5). Make sure you have someone go over your PS looking for grammar/syntax. Your sentence structure is weak and at times leads to incoherent statements.

Best of luck!

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ix88
Posts: 68
Joined: Sun Feb 12, 2012 11:24 pm

Re: What do you think about my PS?

Postby ix88 » Thu Mar 08, 2012 10:06 pm

I'd scrap the last paragraph and ask someone skilled to copy-edit your PS.

skarrysnowman
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 7:42 pm

Re: What do you think about my PS?

Postby skarrysnowman » Sat Mar 10, 2012 10:57 pm

I took your guys' advice, I really appreciate the help. I am aware that you are not supposed to write a "why law school" essay, but at the same time I know you are supposed to tell them why you want to be a lawyer, what are your goals, and why you choose a specific school. I feel that I sum all this up in the last paragraph and it helps show that I researched the law school a little and know what I want out of it. I made adjustments on the structure so that it has more of a logical flow. Also, I took out a sentence about the fraternity, but left the other sentence in. This is because I am trying to show the admissions committee that I was a teenager looking to have fun, had a child, then made a complete turnaround from a C student that wasn't taking school seriously into a straight A (almost) student for the last two years of my undergraduate career. Please let me know what you think.


Throughout my undergraduate career, my life underwent a series of changes that would drastically impact my character. At the beginning of my junior year, I decided to join a fraternity in order to take advantage of the university experience. However, two weeks prior to my initiation, I received an unexpected phone call from my ex-girlfriend informing me that she was four months pregnant. After establishing that the child was mine, I was given the incentive to reassess my priorities and become actively engaged in my education.

While growing up, I never thought that I would become a father at a young age. Instead, I pictured the ideal scenario – one in which I had a career, a wife, and a house prior to the birth of my first child. As I began my college career at age seventeen, I spent the vast majority of my time socializing and practicing martial arts. Although I had always valued education highly, my lack of focus led to underperformance. However, once I learned I was going to become a father, I quickly gave up my favorite pastimes, but I struggled to let go of my ambitions.

I had seen my cousin give up his dreams in order to dedicate his time to raising a child, and I felt that I would be forced to do the same. Growing up with a father in prison, I promised myself at a young age that I would be there to raise my child. After learning that I was going to become a father, the idea of quitting school in order to seek employment became a viable option. While I spent the next couple weeks working up the courage to inform my parents, my mind became overwhelmed with ideas of what my life might become. Though many ideas came to mind, they all promised a grim future, much unlike what I had dreamt about as a child.

Soon enough, I informed my mother and stepfather about my situation. They had always seen my academic potential and offered to help me with the baby while I continued going to school. After visualizing a life in which I despised my job and struggled to make ends meet, I understood that this was the best decision. Accordingly, I took their advice gratefully.

On the day my daughter was born, reality set in. As I looked into her eyes for the first time, I became determined to excel in the academic arena. I chose to dedicate my time to studying, getting tutored, and visiting professors’ office hours on the days that I could not be with my daughter. I became an avid learner and saw a drastic improvement in my academic performance. Along with my new passion for education, I sought knowledge outside the classroom, primarily through leadership positions and community service. Now that my undergraduate career is coming to an end, I am eager to continue improving as a student by accepting the challenge of attending law school.

Throughout my studies of Political Science and Accounting, I have become fascinated by economic globalization. I am drawn to the XXX School of Law for a number of reasons. To begin, the diverse selection of courses in transnational, international, and comparative law offer me the best prospects of utilizing the knowledge I have acquired throughout my undergraduate studies. Moreover, I am drawn by the curriculum’s emphasis on research and legal writing, as I understand how beneficial these skills will be to my career as an attorney. The XXX School of Law is undoubtedly my first choice because it will allow me to stay in XXX to raise my daughter. She has been the primary source of my motivation thus far, and she will continue to reinforce my determination throughout law school.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: What do you think about my PS?

Postby thelawschoolproject » Mon Mar 12, 2012 1:25 am

Hm..pm it to me and I'll give you more detailed feedback.




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