Please HELP, deadline almost here. New PS.

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mrsmac8541
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Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:10 pm

Please HELP, deadline almost here. New PS.

Postby mrsmac8541 » Mon Mar 05, 2012 6:36 pm

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Last edited by mrsmac8541 on Thu Mar 08, 2012 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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JCFindley
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Re: Please HELP, deadline almost here. New PS.

Postby JCFindley » Mon Mar 05, 2012 11:22 pm

I am a fighter. I have been fighting wrongs as long as I can remember. I fought two stepfathers, whom should never have been allowed near children, as a child and teenager. ++ Should read As a child and teenager I fought two stepfathers whom should never have been allowed near children+++I fought for my baby sister against school yard bullies. I fought my mother for my freedom at fifteen. I fought stereotypes and prejudices as a young single mother in the conservative government community.++I think this should be “in a conservative government town. Since there are more than one Fighting for what I believe is right was not a conscious life choice. Rather, it was the intangible feeling that no matter what occurred in my life, I had to be able to hold my head high and know that my actions and words were just. To me, the law and what is right are synonymous, and what is right is worth fighting for. This strikes me as out of place here but can’t put a finger on why…..

My earliest encounter with the law was explaining to my mother why she should let me live with my father and helping her file change of custody paperwork. At that age, I could not tell her the truth of why I wanted to move 3000 miles away from all my friends and the only home I ever knew. I could not tell her that her third husband was a bad man, worse than the last one, because when I was gone, he would be all she had left. I was terrified that I might be making the wrong decision but knew to stay would hurt me worse. I had to be brave. I explained the benefits that my absence would bring and systematically argued through each one of her objections until the only logical decision for her to make was to let me go. As I made the flight that would take me from Sacramento, California to my new home in Newport News, VA, I realized that the ability to persuade others is powerful. That power can be life changing. This was when the idea to become a lawyer began to take shape.

That concept resonated with me for years but the implementation got sidetracked. As a newlywed of 18, working in various factories in Sidney, Ohio, I was able to help fellow workers with various issues pending against them by simply reading all of that company's policies and bylaws and creating an argument based on the very rules that were being used against them. While my dreams of being a lawyer were put on hold due to funding, the ability to “fight the man” created a reputation for me and soon I had a steady stream of requests from employees to look into their problems. While not on any gargantuan scale, I made differences in many people's lives by simply knowing what the “rules” for working at Alcoa, Cargill, PlastiPak and ConAgra were and how to gather the proper documentation to prove innocence. I empowered my fellow employees by equipping them with the tools to fight. That was an amazing feeling for me.

I think you need a paragraph break here because you are changing subjects from the work experiences that shape your perceptions to being jobless and moving to improve your family’s future.


After only a few years in Ohio, I knew that to better my small family, we needed to move to a healthier economy. I was 20 years old with two babies, no formal education to my name, a husband with a minimum wage position, and recently laid off myself, but I viewed the idea of moving 2000 miles as just another challenge. My husband at the time did not want to move, happy with scrapping by, but as a mother, I knew I wanted more for my children. And more for myself. +++ I knew I wanted more for my children and myself. OR I knew I wanted more for my children. I wanted more for myself.+++++After six months of sacrificing every nicety I had, I had scraped together the needed $500 to move my family to XXXX.

Life took a turn for the better in XXXX in 2001. I found a position with a government contractor and was immediately immersed in a world that was utterly unique to me. As the newbie, I constantly asked “How can I make this better?” +++Purely my view here but I HATED when newbies would come in and immediately start trying to change things for the better, Huge peeve in the military. If it is for me it might be for someone on the Add Comm+++++ For ten years I have continued to ask this question and have been rewarded time and time again with vast improvements in every department I have promoted to. While my career as a government contractor thrived, my marriage ending again careened my life into the legal world and began a new fight.

A current prominent factor in my wanting to become a lawyer has been my own custody battles, which have spanned over ten years. +++My own custody battles spanning ten years are also a prominent factor in my desire to become a lawyer. +++++As my relationship terminated in 2002, my need to know family law became an all consuming personal path. Through research and word of mouth, I found a family lawyer that had a very high track record of success and, to save money and take a small measure of control over my situation, became his unofficial assistant for my case. +++Through research and word of mouth, I found a family lawyer with an excellent success record. To save money and take a small measure of control over my situation I became is unofficial assistant for my case.++++ The inborn curiosity to learn more about the law and the specific need to know what the rules were for the state of XXXX led me to hours of pouring over the+++you wouldn’t poor over the library but books in it+++++ XXXX Law Library and case law in my personal time. To date, I have revised, edited and/or completely revamped every single document that has ever been filed in my case. And because I am not one to keep knowledge to myself, I have personally typed up many friends' court documents and helped structure their cases. I take serious pride in spreading my knowledge of the family court system and helping other parents that do not have the time or opportunity to do the research themselves. After a decade of constant fighting, on January 12, 2012, I won complete physical custody of my children. What was once done out of personal need has turned into a personal passion.

My desire to be in the legal field also swayed my choices for my educational career. I knew to better provide for my family I would need to have more than a General Education Diploma (GED) to my name. Not that I was doing too shabby, armed only with my GED and wit, but eventually, I would hit that glass ceiling that comes from not having any higher education. Already working more than full-time and raising two children, I knew going to school would mean sacrificing essential life components, such as sleep and time with family, but it was just another challenge I had to overcome. After receiving my degree in 2010, the realization that I could now finally pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer was life changing. The crushing defeat of being wait-listed, then denied for admission to XXXX in 2011 only strengthen my resolve to fight harder for my dream. I feel that my life has always had some part of it entrenched in the legal world and now is the opportunity to advance to a higher echelon within that realm. Now is the opportunity to taking my fighting nature and officially mold it to the career I was always meant to have.


I obviously do not know what makes a good PS yet so won’t give any critique on the effectiveness of the essay but I did put in a few suggestions to make it read a little easier for me. Of course, just my take on it and you can take that or leave it.

I will say that most of the college PS guidance I have seen say they should be no more than two double spaced pages. Yours will exceed that of course the schools you are applying may not have that stipulation.

Best of luck

JC

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mrsmac8541
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Joined: Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:10 pm

Re: Please HELP, deadline almost here. New PS.

Postby mrsmac8541 » Tue Mar 06, 2012 12:42 am

That is so awesome, thank you so very much for the feedback! The school I'm applying to allows up to 3 pages double spaced and I'm right there. I will edit edit edit and hopefully improve the flow. :)

p.s. I hate the newbie coming in and trying to change the world as well. :) But I did it and made some serious changes that are reflected in my resume and saved some serious bucks. I will try and temper that sentence down so it doesn't come across so obnoxious.




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