First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:01 pm

Hello Guys,

This is my first draft of my Personal Statement. I know it needs work because i suck at grammar!! PLEASE feel free to leave constructive criticism (its not what you say, its how you say it :lol: ) and i think it may be too long. Thanks in advance.


I just finished packing all of my important belongings, and I scanned my room to make sure that I didn’t leave anything. As I scanned through my boxes, I made sure I had all of my fiction literature, Air Jordan sneakers, clothes, music (RnB & Soul, Rap, Reggae CDs), pictures and of course my lava lamp. The car was ready and waiting for me to load my things into the trunk. As my stomach filled with nervousness, I couldn’t help but to think that I was making a horrible decision. Trying my best to hold back my tears, I hugged and told my mother good-bye. Ten minutes later with tears flowing from my eyes, I was on interstate 91 south headed to XXXX.

My upbringing was from parents who both migrated from Jamaica to the United States of America to have the opportunity live a better life. Growing up in XXXXXX can make you or break you and I choose the latter. Most of my life I have been raised in a single parent home, which made me learn at an early age that money was limited and didn’t grow on trees. This environment has taught me that having a good career was the only way out, and that a proper education was the first step. This instantly made me understand in my teenage years that I have to make certain sacrifices in order to fulfill my dreams. Due to that notion, I have made a major modification in my life when I decided to change my environment at the age of fifth-teen. This major alteration required me to relocate from my family, close friends and most of all, my mother. I took it upon myself to make a mature decision to go live with my father for a better educational opportunity, even if I had to move from the people that I loved the most. Additionally, I wanted to challenge myself to a different environment to see if I would be able to diversify myself. As a result, I went from attending an inner city public school with being the majority, to enrolling into a school that was considered myself as being the minority.

Faced with the realty that the transition wasn’t going to be as smooth as I imagined it, I later grew accustom to my new environment. Consequently, the hardest part of relocating to a new school was adjusting academically. The curriculum was far more rigorous and difficult than my studies at my previous high school, which forced me to work harder than my average peer. In addition, after demonstrating my hard work and adjustment within my studies, I was later accepted to XXXXXX University. During my college career as an undergrad, I had always worked part-time and dedicated some of my spare time to volunteer amongst different organizations within the community. The most memorable experience I had was speaking to high school students at an alternative school for the misbehaved. Those students made me remember that I could be a great role model and show them that they can achieve their future dreams as well. Going to law school has been a dream that I thought as a younger child could never come true because I never had any examples. As a child, I always hated to answer the “who is your role model” question. I felt that my answer, “I don’t know” was embarrassing; I was the first in my family to attend and graduate college so that experience was very new to me. My lack of ignorance of not knowing whom to look up to strived me to a role model someday. Therefore, I would love to be able become an example for young children who also may believe that they can’t make their dreams come true.

XXXX raised me and XXXXX has polished me into a young lady. I have interacted with people from different cultures and backgrounds that opened my mind to a new way of thinking. Throughout my journey, I have gone through experiences that helped shape the individual that I am today. I learned that I am a person who loves the arts, reading books, watching films, collecting paintings, music and technology. Since I have a strong interest for entertainment and the arts, I would love to pursue that area of law. I have imagined myself working behind the scenes in the entertainment industry as great lawyer, negating contacts, creating deals, and protecting publishing rights for artists. XXXXX Law has a strong course selection in the area of Intellectual Property that can provide me with practical experience and offers a externship program that can open doors into the music industry. Additionally, XXXXX Law has close proximity to my family and one of the prominent location of the entertainment industry; New York City. The thought of pursuing a career that will make me extremely happy and can potentially help the community puts a huge smile on my face.

Eight years later, I just finished packing all of my essential belonging, and overlooked my apartment to make sure that I didn’t leave anything. I doubled check for my reference, fiction and non- fiction books, favorite high heeled shoes, two degrees, IPod filled with Rock, Pop, House, RnB & Soul, Hip Hop and Reggae MP3s, pictures and of course my clothes. As I looked closer at my belongings, I began to notice how much my growth and diversification has shown through my pride possessions. Hours later I had everything packed in my car and was prepared to leave. Filled with excitement for the inevitable, I hugged my dad and stepmother and told them that I will see them soon. Sixteen hours later I pulled into my mother’s driveway, the anticipation to tell her that I am home. I moved back home briefly to remind myself that still have much more to accomplish and that I shouldn’t give up on what initially left to do. Although I could have gotten comfortable in XXXXX and put my dreams of becoming a lawyer behind, I knew that my determination would not let it happen. So now I am home with a clear mind, a stronger sense of ambition and drive to pursue my dreams of becoming a lawyer with, “you never know where you are going until you know where you have been” kept in mind.

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NomNom
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby NomNom » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:27 pm

I think you need to scrap this entirely and write about one small event in your life that had meaning. I don't mean to sound overly critical, but this isn't good at all. It tells me nothing other than you want an education. Well so does everyone applying to law school. Mentioning your love of music and types of songs on your ipod really makes me feel like I am reading something a kid wrote. I assume it is supposed to bolster your desire to practice entertainment law, but it serves no purpose. Your thought process is all over the place - no organization at all. Passive voice needs to go.

There are so many other things wrong which is why I think you need to start over. Are you using MS Word? It should auto-correct things like "fifth-teen" and "realty".

Better for me to say this than an AdComm.

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Mr. Pancakes
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mr. Pancakes » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:30 pm

there is so much. you ramble on without a point. I'm too lazy to give you a full critique.
Why do you feel the need to mention high heels, reggae cds, lava lamps?
what is fifth-teen?

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:31 pm

NomNom wrote:I think you need to scrap this entirely and write about one small event in your life that had meaning. I don't mean to sound overly critical, but this isn't good at all. It tells me nothing other than you want an education. Well so does everyone applying for law school. Mentioning your love of music and types of songs on your ipod really makes me feel like I am reading something a kid wrote. I assume it is supposed to bolster your desire to practice entertainment law, but it serves no purpose.

There are so many other things wrong which is why I think you need to start over. Are you using MS Word? It should auto-correct things like "fifth-teen" and "realty".

Better for me to say this than an AdComm.



Thank you, i appreciate your opinon

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:36 pm

Mr. Pancakes wrote:there is so much. you ramble on without a point. I'm too lazy to give you a full critique.
Why do you feel the need to mention high heels, reggae cds, lava lamps?
what is fifth-teen?



I wanted to compare those items (from the first paragraph and the last paragraph ) to show how i have grew as an individual. Obviously i did a horrible job...

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NomNom
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby NomNom » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:41 pm

Your parents are immigrants...you mention growing up in a rough place, but go no further. These are things I would incorporate into a new statement. Write with the mind frame that you want to set yourself apart from other applicants and show why you would succeed in law.

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:50 pm

NomNom wrote:Your parents are immigrants...you mention growing up in a rough place, but go no further. These are things I would incorporate into a new statement. Write with the mind frame that you want to set yourself apart from other applicants and show why you would succeed in law.




Thank you but i have a question....

Do you believe that my decision to place myself into a different environment is significant enough to include?

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NomNom
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby NomNom » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:52 pm

Mbrown202 wrote:
NomNom wrote:Your parents are immigrants...you mention growing up in a rough place, but go no further. These are things I would incorporate into a new statement. Write with the mind frame that you want to set yourself apart from other applicants and show why you would succeed in law.




Thank you but i have a question....

Do you believe that my decision to place myself into a different environment is significant enough to include?

It could be....but you are going to have to say why you were in a bad place originally. Personal statements get personal - yours is very much on the surface.

Mbrown202
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Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:54 pm

NomNom wrote:
Mbrown202 wrote:
NomNom wrote:Your parents are immigrants...you mention growing up in a rough place, but go no further. These are things I would incorporate into a new statement. Write with the mind frame that you want to set yourself apart from other applicants and show why you would succeed in law.




Thank you but i have a question....

Do you believe that my decision to place myself into a different environment is significant enough to include?

It could be....but you are going to have to say why you were in a bad place originally. Personal statements get personal - yours is very much on the surface.


AH!!! :!: I think a light bulb went off.... again... thank you :D

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NomNom
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby NomNom » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:54 pm

No problem.

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Mr. Pancakes
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mr. Pancakes » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:55 pm

NomNom wrote:No problem.

you are so nice. :wink:

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NomNom
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby NomNom » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:56 pm

Mr. Pancakes wrote:
NomNom wrote:No problem.

you are so nice. :wink:

Be quiet or I will ask for your statement to edit :wink:

CanadianWolf
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:57 pm

"My lack of ignorance of not knowing whom to look up to strived me to a role model someday." = Very poorly written.

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Mr. Pancakes
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mr. Pancakes » Sun Mar 04, 2012 1:59 pm

NomNom wrote:
Mr. Pancakes wrote:
NomNom wrote:No problem.

you are so nice. :wink:

Be quiet or I will ask for your statement to edit :wink:

My statement has already been through the gauntlet and then some. I am done. Thanks for the offer, honeybuns. :D

Mbrown202
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Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Sun Mar 04, 2012 2:01 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:"My lack of ignorance of not knowing whom to look up to strived me to a role model someday." = Very poorly written.


Okay... thank you for bringing that to my attention...

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Jsa725
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Jsa725 » Sun Mar 04, 2012 2:42 pm

.
Last edited by Jsa725 on Fri May 31, 2013 12:31 am, edited 1 time in total.

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NomNom
Posts: 171
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Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby NomNom » Mon Mar 05, 2012 10:45 am

Jsa725 wrote:Are the adcomms going to read this and say " gee, this student would add something to the student body?"

PS is essentially a sales pitch (argument) for why they should accept you. What are the qualities that you posess that make you a good law school candidate.

IMO don't go longer than 500 words.

Write it in active verse.

Credited

Mbrown202
Posts: 14
Joined: Wed Feb 22, 2012 11:21 pm

Re: First Draft of Personal Statement-!!

Postby Mbrown202 » Fri Mar 09, 2012 10:58 am

NomNom wrote:
Mbrown202 wrote:
NomNom wrote:Your parents are immigrants...you mention growing up in a rough place, but go no further. These are things I would incorporate into a new statement. Write with the mind frame that you want to set yourself apart from other applicants and show why you would succeed in law.




Thank you but i have a question....

Do you believe that my decision to place myself into a different environment is significant enough to include?

It could be....but you are going to have to say why you were in a bad place originally. Personal statements get personal - yours is very much on the surface.



Have another one.... can you please tell me what you think?

Uninterested as to why my Science teacher was sending a fellow peer to the principles office, I continued to doodle in my notebook in anticipation for my lunch bell to ring. I wasn’t hungry for todays "questionable" government Salisbury steak and mashed potatoes but I definitely yearned for a break. The congested lunchroom seemed a little off today, and I sensed that something bad was going to happen. Before I knew it, a fight broke out between two rivalry gangs. With everyone panicking and running in every direction, people started to trample over each other. After five minutes of dodging punches and avoiding getting trampled; the police barricaded the crowd in attempts to gain control. Since the police was outnumbered, they tried to calm the mob of students with pepper spray. Fortunately for me, I escaped the ruthless crowd with only an extremely dry throat and burning eyes. A riot, a ruthless stabbing or a drug arrest was included in a typical day at XXX High School and getting yourself out of complicated situations is essential in staying safe.

I was born to parents that migrated from XXX to XXX, XX in the late 1970s. XXX is a small city but has always been a rough place to grow up. I envisioned myself going down a path that didn’t look promising and I decided that I needed a change. Escaping an environment that promoted broken homes and ignorance was rare for someone of my background, and I desired to be in an environment where I can engross myself around encouraging examples. At the age of fifteen I have exercised my proactive skills and discovered out a way out of this lunacy. Against my mother’s notions, I persuaded my father in XXXX to let me move in with him for a better educational opportunity.

Since moving, I have grew accustom to my new environment and adjusted academically to a more rigorous curriculum. Furthermore, after demonstrating my hard work and fine-tuning of my studies, I was later accepted to XXXX XXX University as being the first in my family to attend and graduate College. Since I wasn’t born into a privileged family, I had to work throughout my college career to put myself through school. Additionally, my volunteerism amongst various organizations has allowed me to work with people from different cultures and backgrounds. As a result, my accomplishments have created a path for my family members and an illustration for the member’s of my community.

When I reminisce about my times at XXXX High School, I am reminded of how I continue to take a sticky situation and turn it into a smoother outcome. After overcoming my environment, I believe my humility, dedication and openness to new environments can aid to your classroom environment. Despite coming from a deprived social economic background, I have thrown myself into challenging situations that demonstrate strength and integrity to approach problems differently. My propensity for business has leaded me to purse a degree in managerial sciences, and excel in courses such as Business Law, Negations, and Introduction to Logic. What brings me to your law school is my passion for protecting the fairness of those who may not know how to get themselves out of unfortunate circumstances. Recognizing that are not many individuals in my community that are lawyers, I want to be one of the few to add a different prospective to your law school.




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