Polished Personal Statement.. Need critique/advice

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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luuma
Posts: 246
Joined: Sat Dec 10, 2011 2:04 am

Polished Personal Statement.. Need critique/advice

Postby luuma » Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:08 pm

I first want to warn everyone to never use essayedge.com for their editing. I had to fight for them to revise my statement. I found MULTIPLE, at least 10 evident different grammatical errors which they denied until I highlighted it for them, in which they accepted they were wrong about.

Anyway, it's been deleted for obvious reasons. Thank you.
Last edited by luuma on Tue Mar 06, 2012 2:47 pm, edited 2 times in total.

JasonR
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Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: Polished Personal Statement.. Need critique/advice

Postby JasonR » Wed Feb 29, 2012 1:33 am

Too long for most schools.

jtweissbrot
Posts: 12
Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 3:52 pm

Re: Polished Personal Statement.. Need critique/advice

Postby jtweissbrot » Wed Feb 29, 2012 1:33 am

I'm too far removed from the world of college application to comment on content, but I can nitpick grammar for sure...
luuma wrote:..., but today being bilingual is one of my strongest suites...

You mean "strongest suits", not "suites". It's a reference to playing cards (spades/hearts/diamonds/clubs are the 4 suits; whichever suit you have the best cards in is your strong suit).
luuma wrote:...My schools did not have large outdoor campus with access to outdoor activities, nor did we have a gym that could fit entire classes. Instead, the public schools I attended were largely underfunded...

You're mixing and matching plurals and singulars here. Try: "My schools did not have campuses with large outdoor facilities or access to outdoor activities, nor did we have gyms that could fit entire classes. Instead, the public schools I attended were largely underfunded..."
luuma wrote:...My interest in a legal career began to during my studies abroad...

Began to what? Maybe you edited this sentence in an early draft, and you meant to get rid of the word "to"? If not, maybe the word "grow" after "to"...
luuma wrote:...My host parents were both lawyers, whom became inspirations the more I got to know them professionally and personally...

"Who", not "whom", and I'd change to the active voice: "My host parents were both lawyers who inspired me as I got to know them professionally and personally..."

jw

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ix88
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Re: Polished Personal Statement.. Need critique/advice

Postby ix88 » Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:48 am

Grammatically, there are various errors like comma splices, incorrect usage of "whom" and run-on sentences.

Substantively, your PS takes too long to "warm-up" and is slow-paced. Combine those two with the long, drawn-out sentences and my eyes began to glaze over in boredom as I read your PS.

To help with making it less boring I would suggest: 1) use shorter, more frequent paragraphs 2) use verbs to drive your sentences 3) you should be able to read all your sentences aloud without choking for air (I can't do this when reading your PS).

Also, your PS needs to be more focused and clearly convey a sense of journey, which it does not.

jtweissbrot
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Joined: Wed Feb 17, 2010 3:52 pm

Re: Polished Personal Statement.. Need critique/advice

Postby jtweissbrot » Wed Feb 29, 2012 11:50 am

Taking a second crack here. Disclaimer: I edit & write for journalistic radio. I am not a style guide :)

luuma wrote:I was born in the Bronx, New York to a single mother...

My father was born in the Bronx, and I don't know of anyone who calls it the Bronx, New York. At any rate, if you leave "New York" in there, you need a comma after it.
luuma wrote:The particular extensive transnational community where I grew up has offered Hispanic immigrants with an alternative to complete assimilation by preserving the Hispanic culture and lifestyle.

Either change "offered" to something like "furnished", or get rid of "with" (I think it's better to get rid of "with").
luuma wrote:By high school I could speak English fluently, yet at times I had trouble articulating myself completely, and I continued to think in Spanish.

This sentence seems to contradict itself. I might change it to read: By high school I could speak English fluently, yet at times I had trouble articulating my thoughts completely, as I continued to think in Spanish.
luuma wrote:...strongest suites.

(I repeat myself) strongest suits.
luuma wrote:The growing epidemic of gangs in my neighborhood made going outside to play a luxury for the white children I saw on TV;

Umm. Ok, calling an activity "a luxury for Jack" means that Jack would consider that activity a treat that is out of the ordinary. You might get the point across clearer like this: ...in my neighborhood meant that going outside to play was a luxury reserved for the white children...
luuma wrote:My schools did not have large outdoor campus with access to outdoor activities, nor did we have a gym that could fit entire classes. Instead, the public schools I attended were largely underfunded

see previous
luuma wrote:The combination of these factors began to take an adverse affect on me

I think that "have an adverse affect" is more accurate.
luuma wrote:that I could not succumb to my environment like many of my friends and family had It slowly began to dawn on me

Missing a period there.
luuma wrote: that my only option for a better life was higher education, and to get to there I would need the right grades and continue working hard to move forward.

I would need to get good grades and continue working hard in order to move forward.
luuma wrote:from volunteering with international organizations to serving as university senator for off-campus students, using my leadership skills from work and taking care of my siblings in new academic and professional contexts.

off-campus students, putting the leadership skills I had honed while working and taking care of my siblings to use in new academic and professional contexts.
luuma wrote:My multi-cultural perspective has worked as a catalyst during my academic and professional experiences

You just used "academic and professional". Either remove the previous one (just make it "in new contexts"), or change this one to something like "collegiate career".
luuma wrote:My interest in a legal career began to during my studies abroad.

previously addressed
luuma wrote:My host parents were both lawyers, whom became inspirations the more I got to know them professionally and personally.

previously addressed
luuma wrote:I am determined to carry out my ambitions to advocate for those who need it most.

What is "it"? Maybe: for those with the greatest need?

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luuma
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Re: Polished Personal Statement.. Need critique/advice

Postby luuma » Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:41 pm

Thank you very much for your suggestions and edits. I appreciate the honesty! Especially the specific edits by jtweissbrot !! I'm struggling on the "journey" but I see what you mean. I tried to cut it down by 300 words to see if it holds more content this way.




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