PS! Rough Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
kemaeng
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PS! Rough Draft

Postby kemaeng » Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:52 pm

Here is my PS Rough Draft! Feel free to tell me what you think. Look for cliches or passive sentences that I should have avoided.


Thank you!

I am a coward. I listen before I speak. I choose my battle. I think prior to action. And I follow rules.
This is my story.
XXX drove into my drive. He didn’t need to say much. I already knew what he was going to say. His obvious tone, expression, and irritation were sufficient enough. As soon as I got into his car, he openly grumbled even though he was the one who pulled in my drive late at his leisure. Instead of disputing irrelevant issue at hand to clearly set the record straight, I acknowledged his falsehood and innocently apologized in consideration to alleviate the anger that XXX has accumulated from his confrontation with his parents. We sat in his Honda Civic. Without annoyance, I turned off his ignition keys to give him no pressure of time and prevent squandering gas. Now, all I have to do is wait. Wait for him to talk. I listened and when I listen I no longer exist.
Referring XXX at YYY resolved the conflict with his parents. Even though I was not compensated for this favor by him or from his parents at dinner, I had the pleasure of knowing that I relieved the tension between XXX and his family. I intentionally did not claim recognition because I believe that there is a virtue in doing a favor where you should not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing. However, my relationship with XXX started to deteriorate.
XXX is a typical twenty three year old college graduates with a high level of pride. So naturally, he regarded his job, dull. Therefore, I was nonchalant to find XXX consistently complain about the mundane job, boss, and paycheck. But I was bothered by the fact at whom the complaint was directed regardless of the fact that taking on the commitment was his choice. Again, I sympathetically took in his complaint. Underappreciated, however, these complaints started to create a barrier of distance between me and my best friend. When this wall became overwhelming, I turned in my two weeks notification without words to XXX and fled to California.
ZZZ is my best friend from Syracuse. He is a second year law student at Santa Clara Law School and he welcomed me with open arms. He is like my big brother that I never had. Though short, his personality compensated for his lack of good looks. We had a great time in California. I never had the chance to live in there so I had the opportunity to appreciate the weather, food, especially In-N-Out, atmosphere, and his company. During my stay, I heard disappointing news that XXX got asked to leave YYY. The euphemism by my former coworkers is that he never quite got accustomed to the work environment: he never got the chance to internalize his inadequacies. Somehow, I felt responsible for both XXX and YYY. I should have spoken my mind. Instead, I shied away from confronting him. I was a coward.
I found myself in the same sort of scenarios but in a different location. ZZZ had a habit of dispatching his inferiority on to me by ridicule and degradation. Again, I took no offense and was about to take the same approach. I reasoned if it made him feel better about himself, no harm, no foul, but wait, XXX came to my mind. I looked directly at ZZZ’s eyes. It was right after his rude remarks. I was determined to correct him this time. “Why do you say that?” I asked him quietly with penetrating stare. He looked startled as if he was caught off-guarded. He replied after long silence, “I don’t know.” What he did know and told me after my persistent questioning was that he was constantly bullied all throughout his childhood due to early hair growth.
Whether he quit this habit is irrelevant as the question of whether he apologized for his detrimental behavior. What is relevant, however, is that he gained knowledge of his action to be hurtful and I gained further understanding on the root of his behavior. Likewise, right or wrong is insignificant in the realms of law. “ “I believe that there is an argument to every side and every side ought to be explicated. By excavating each side, one gains further understanding of morality. Law is strongly correlated with morality. Understanding the law must, however, precede assessment of right and wrong. I am humbly applying to _____ to acquire the understanding of the law in order to correctly determine what is just.

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rinkrat19
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 7:04 pm

:shock: Holy word salad, batman. I recognize all the words but I have no freaking clue what you are trying to say.

Is English, by any chance, not your first language?

kemaeng
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:18 pm

Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby kemaeng » Mon Feb 27, 2012 7:22 pm

rinkrat19 wrote::shock: Holy word salad, batman. I recognize all the words but I have no freaking clue what you are trying to say.

Is English, by any chance, not your first language?


English is my second language. Would you be kind enough to indicate which part of the statement you are unable to understand?

thank you

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rinkrat19
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 7:30 pm

kemaeng wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote::shock: Holy word salad, batman. I recognize all the words but I have no freaking clue what you are trying to say.

Is English, by any chance, not your first language?


English is my second language. Would you be kind enough to indicate which part of the statement you are unable to understand?

thank you
The entire thing is written so cryptically that I have literally no idea what you're trying to describe. Why are you sitting in a car with XXX? Why is he upset? What the fuck is going on? Something about his parents, and his job, but then you're talking about your job and you're quitting, and you're buddies with ZZZ in California but XXX has to leave YYY and that's somehow your fault? Is YYY a person or a school or a job? ZZZ is your best friend but insults you and you finally confront him and somehow that pertains to law?

Basically it is a giant WTF. While most of the individual sentences are constructed okay (or at least understandably), they just sort of run into each other in a hazy stream of consciousness. I can't tell if you're trying to write so inscrutably or if an imperfect command of English is doing it for you, but it needs a lot of help.

Say what you mean in declarative sentences. Describe the situation so that someone who wasn't there isn't completely and utterly lost.

kemaeng
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Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:18 pm

Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby kemaeng » Mon Feb 27, 2012 7:58 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:
kemaeng wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote::shock: Holy word salad, batman. I recognize all the words but I have no freaking clue what you are trying to say.

Is English, by any chance, not your first language?


English is my second language. Would you be kind enough to indicate which part of the statement you are unable to understand?

thank you
The entire thing is written so cryptically that I have literally no idea what you're trying to describe. Why are you sitting in a car with XXX? Why is he upset? What the fuck is going on? Something about his parents, and his job, but then you're talking about your job and you're quitting, and you're buddies with ZZZ in California but XXX has to leave YYY and that's somehow your fault? Is YYY a person or a school or a job? ZZZ is your best friend but insults you and you finally confront him and somehow that pertains to law?

Basically it is a giant WTF. While most of the individual sentences are constructed okay (or at least understandably), they just sort of run into each other in a hazy stream of consciousness. I can't tell if you're trying to write so inscrutably or if an imperfect command of English is doing it for you, but it needs a lot of help.

Say what you mean in declarative sentences. Describe the situation so that someone who wasn't there isn't completely and utterly lost.



XXX ZZZ are friends of mine. YYY is a company that xxx and i have worked at. i hope you noticed that this is an adversity statement. my personality of being unable to express what i want and need to say have been changed during my visit in california when i heard the bad news that xxx was fired due his constant whining. my confrontation with my friend talking crap at me because of his imperfectness was indicated to emphasize that he was clearly wrong to do so. However, when u analyze why he is doing it (which shows my understanding and patience), we can see that from his point of view his behavior is not so unwarranted (him being bullied when little). Therefore, according to my beliefs, i believe right or wrong is not whats important. as i have done so, it is important to understand why he is being a dick. and in conclusion i have applied the study of law. understanding the law, before you assess what is right or wrong.....

These are the points i want to emphasize. Obviously, its not clear when it is read by someone else. any suggestions to make this message clear yet subtle?

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No13baby
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby No13baby » Mon Feb 27, 2012 8:13 pm

kemaeng wrote:XXX ZZZ are friends of mine. YYY is a company that xxx and i have worked at. i hope you noticed that this is an adversity statement. my personality of being unable to express what i want and need to say have been changed during my visit in california when i heard the bad news that xxx was fired due his constant whining. my confrontation with my friend talking crap at me because of his imperfectness was indicated to emphasize that he was clearly wrong to do so. However, when u analyze why he is doing it (which shows my understanding and patience), we can see that from his point of view his behavior is not so unwarranted (him being bullied when little). Therefore, according to my beliefs, i believe right or wrong is not whats important. as i have done so, it is important to understand why he is being a dick. and in conclusion i have applied the study of law. understanding the law, before you assess what is right or wrong.....

These are the points i want to emphasize. Obviously, its not clear when it is read by someone else. any suggestions to make this message clear yet subtle?

Honestly, I just don't think you should send this in. When people talk about adversity statements, they talk about having gone to crappy public schools in the inner city, or growing up in a war-torn nation, or overcoming extreme poverty. Getting in an argument with your friend doesn't show any kind of adversity a law school cares about - it happens to everyone.

When you write another PS, don't try to be too subtle or leave anything for admissions officers to "analyze" - this will just annoy them. Be straightforward and focus your essay around one thing.

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rinkrat19
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 8:18 pm

kemaeng wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote:
kemaeng wrote:
rinkrat19 wrote::shock: Holy word salad, batman. I recognize all the words but I have no freaking clue what you are trying to say.

Is English, by any chance, not your first language?


English is my second language. Would you be kind enough to indicate which part of the statement you are unable to understand?

thank you
The entire thing is written so cryptically that I have literally no idea what you're trying to describe. Why are you sitting in a car with XXX? Why is he upset? What the fuck is going on? Something about his parents, and his job, but then you're talking about your job and you're quitting, and you're buddies with ZZZ in California but XXX has to leave YYY and that's somehow your fault? Is YYY a person or a school or a job? ZZZ is your best friend but insults you and you finally confront him and somehow that pertains to law?

Basically it is a giant WTF. While most of the individual sentences are constructed okay (or at least understandably), they just sort of run into each other in a hazy stream of consciousness. I can't tell if you're trying to write so inscrutably or if an imperfect command of English is doing it for you, but it needs a lot of help.

Say what you mean in declarative sentences. Describe the situation so that someone who wasn't there isn't completely and utterly lost.



XXX ZZZ are friends of mine. YYY is a company that xxx and i have worked at. i hope you noticed that this is an adversity statement. my personality of being unable to express what i want and need to say have been changed during my visit in california when i heard the bad news that xxx was fired due his constant whining. my confrontation with my friend talking crap at me because of his imperfectness was indicated to emphasize that he was clearly wrong to do so. However, when u analyze why he is doing it (which shows my understanding and patience), we can see that from his point of view his behavior is not so unwarranted (him being bullied when little). Therefore, according to my beliefs, i believe right or wrong is not whats important. as i have done so, it is important to understand why he is being a dick. and in conclusion i have applied the study of law. understanding the law, before you assess what is right or wrong.....

These are the points i want to emphasize. Obviously, its not clear when it is read by someone else. any suggestions to make this message clear yet subtle?
Include more detail and explanation. The scene getting in XXX's car is bizarrely disjointed and I have no idea what it has to do with anything about his job or getting fired. Was this a regular thing that he would pick you up and he'd immediately start whining about his job? How did you know what he was going to say? What WAS he going to say? This is information that might be obvious to you, but the reader doesn't have. Also, what is the conflict with his parents? Was he fighting with them because he needed a job and you got him one? I'm guessing here, so clearly it isn't obvious in your writing. And I'm not sure the parental conflict is relevant anyway.

Did you really quit your job and move to California because of XXX's complaining? Without any other explanation provided, that sounds pretty weird to the reader. Why is it relevant that he was short?

When you heard XXX got fired, you felt guilty for both him and YYY because you never called him on his whining and told him to shut up, yes? Recomending a guy who turned out to be a bad employee reflected badly on you, and your friend might still have a job if you'd spoken up? SAY THAT.

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CorkBoard
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby CorkBoard » Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:10 pm

I don't really know where you're going with this at all. I think it needs to be seriously revised, because it reads like an overly cryptic journal entry, and you DO NOT want admissions counselors seeing that. Stop beating around the bush and write something that is real and heartfelt about YOU and not some story about your friend complaining.

You say that you realizing your friend was bullied is a signal that you are understanding and patient, but I really don't see that conveyed in your PS at all. I can't read in between the lines to figure out what you mean.

JasonR
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby JasonR » Wed Feb 29, 2012 1:41 am

Mother of God. Scrap this PS in its entirety.

Understanding the law must, however, precede assessment of right and wrong. I am humbly applying to _____ to acquire the understanding of the law in order to correctly determine what is just.


Understanding the law is (sometimes) necessary to determine to determine what is legal or illegal. This is not the same thing as determining categories of right and wrong or just and unjust. Do not include this garbage in any PS.

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ix88
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby ix88 » Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:38 am

As with all my PS assessments, I'm going to be brutally honest: I find that your English writing skills are at a Junior High School or early High School level.

I would suggest you hire a professional to help you copy-edit your PS.

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FryBreadPower
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby FryBreadPower » Wed Feb 29, 2012 2:41 am

ix88 wrote:As with all my PS assessments, I'm going to be brutally honest: I find that your English writing skills are at a Junior High School or early High School level.

I would suggest you hire a professional to help you copy-edit your PS.

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Davidbentley
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby Davidbentley » Wed Feb 29, 2012 5:01 am

I'll skip the English issue as I think it is clear that it will be a concern for you regardless of how the statement eventually turns out. What i find most annoying about this PS is the Faux-profundity. The "this is my story" line is almost always an indicator that something I do not wish to read is soon to follow. Your PS reminds me of The Killers when they enter Bruce Springsteen mode. You clearly are aware of the genre, and have some understanding of the basic rhetorical devices that need to be employed, but the strong sense of detachment in your writing leaves me cold. That, coupled with your half-cocked attempts at psychoanalysis, makes your writing come off as affected, overly-wrought, and, frankly, dreary.

Substantively, I cannot understand why you would choose this as a topic. It makes you sound like an incredibly small person who is easily discouraged, self-absorbed while at the same time cripplingly self-conscious, and flaky.

Scrap it and rewrite.

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jrthor10
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Re: PS! Rough Draft

Postby jrthor10 » Wed Feb 29, 2012 8:05 am

Davidbentley wrote:I'll skip the English issue as I think it is clear that it will be a concern for you regardless of how the statement eventually turns out. What i find most annoying about this PS is the Faux-profundity. The "this is my story" line is almost always an indicator that something I do not wish to read is soon to follow. Your PS reminds me of The Killers when they enter Bruce Springsteen mode. You clearly are aware of the genre, and have some understanding of the basic rhetorical devices that need to be employed, but the strong sense of detachment in your writing leaves me cold. That, coupled with your half-cocked attempts at psychoanalysis, makes your writing come off as affected, overly-wrought, and, frankly, dreary.

Substantively, I cannot understand why you would choose this as a topic. It makes you sound like an incredibly small person who is easily discouraged, self-absorbed while at the same time cripplingly self-conscious, and flaky.

Scrap it and rewrite.


Uplifting.




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