PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mehereuthere101787
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:20 pm

PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby mehereuthere101787 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 3:58 pm

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Last edited by mehereuthere101787 on Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:46 am, edited 2 times in total.

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breadbucket
Posts: 170
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Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby breadbucket » Mon Feb 27, 2012 4:27 pm

Let me first say, that this would seem, based on the content, to be better used as a diversity statement and not a personal statement.

There are many redundant phrases in this statement, particulalry around the section relating to relocating

You also make a pop culture reference, to Lie to me, which honestly, just feels contrived and only serves to devalue the statement.

The first half and second half seem nearly unconnected, what do SAt tutoring and call center work have to do with the content laid out in the intro? Plus, it seems to merely be a rehash of what is probably already in your resume. Remember, you have only a few avenues to convey your ENTIRE personality and character, using precious space in your statement to duplicate info available elsewhere is unwise.

I have also been known to be mature beyond my years by elder people. Undoubtedly, this was a result of my challenging childhood. Constantly aware of my family’s financial situation, I would repeatedly have to learn the discipline of not asking my parents for things I desired. Most children, when asking for and being denied something they want, will turn the disappointment they feel into anger. Anger towards the people they feel are responsible for these disgusting feelings which have arisen within them; their parents. This coping mechanism is soothing to children and allows them to maintain a certain naivety and innocent outlook on life for many years. I, however, was not able to hold onto either for long. Not having a “face” to put to these despairing feelings forced me to search further than “my parents don’t want me to be happy and that is why I do not have my new toy” for answers. This profound and chronic experience, while confusing and devastating in my younger years, led me to have a mature outlook on life from an early age.


This whole section is an over-generalization, highly presumptive, and honestly over dramatic. Seriously, you really believe it to be "devastating"

I have a strong compassion for the less-fortunate due to the fact that, at one point, “less-fortunate” was to be my fortune.


sound so, superficial to the issue of being less fortunate. The quotations do not help avoid this fact.

This is what led me to internship at a legal aid clinic during college. It was here that I lost my idealistic and naïve notion that becoming a lawyer and fighting in court for a few indigent or oppressed people would do anything substantial.


Way to totally trivialize the impact you may have had on these people. Wouldnt it be more powerful to say you recognized how much of an impact assisting someone with a simple task like explaining legalize had on their ability to see justice in their personal lives?

The image that always arose in my mind was that of the Ecclesia of Athens (in my mind, however, for whatever reason, I would be fervently addressing the assembly in modern clothes rather than a toga).


....... oh my, first the allusion is odd and does not add to anything, nor does it relate well to the theme or content, but then you put a tangent in parenthesis for no reason.


Scrap it, or take the first half and use it as a diversity statement

mehereuthere101787
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:20 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby mehereuthere101787 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:37 pm

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Last edited by mehereuthere101787 on Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:47 am, edited 1 time in total.

062914123
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Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:11 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby 062914123 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:39 pm

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Last edited by 062914123 on Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

mehereuthere101787
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:20 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby mehereuthere101787 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:43 pm

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Last edited by mehereuthere101787 on Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

062914123
Posts: 1846
Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:11 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby 062914123 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:47 pm

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Last edited by 062914123 on Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kevin261186
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Joined: Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:45 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby kevin261186 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:53 pm

rose is not the plural of raise.

062914123
Posts: 1846
Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:11 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby 062914123 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:55 pm

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Last edited by 062914123 on Mon Jun 30, 2014 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

benburns214
Posts: 263
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:39 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby benburns214 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:08 pm

Needs to be completely rewritten or taken to a writing center.

Also, for future reference, any number less than 10 is to be written as the actual word and not just the number. (ex "4 = four")

mehereuthere101787
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:20 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby mehereuthere101787 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:09 pm

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Last edited by mehereuthere101787 on Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

mehereuthere101787
Posts: 33
Joined: Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:20 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby mehereuthere101787 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:11 pm

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Last edited by mehereuthere101787 on Sun Mar 04, 2012 4:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

benburns214
Posts: 263
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 2:39 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby benburns214 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:22 pm

mehereuthere101787 wrote:
benburns214 wrote:Needs to be completely rewritten or taken to a writing center.

Also, for future reference, any number less than 10 is to be written as the actual word and not just the number. (ex "4 = four")


do you see issues with format only or topic as well?


The topic is fine considering it is probably the most popular topic to write a PS about. However, the grammatical errors are definitely frequent as well as sentence structure issues.

Like I said earlier, taking it to your universities writing center would be extremely beneficial for you. Im assuming you're in undergrad, so it should be free.

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breadbucket
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Joined: Thu Dec 08, 2011 10:57 pm

Re: PLEASE rip my PS apart. Need as much critique as possible.

Postby breadbucket » Wed Feb 29, 2012 3:04 am

bee wrote:
mehereuthere101787 wrote:
bee wrote:If you want complete honesty, here it is: scrap it and start over. Your tone is much too informal, a lot of the structure makes no sense, the flow of the statement is stilted, it's not very clear what point, exactly, you're trying to make, and there are a lot of awkward turns of phrase e.g. "elder people." I agree with a lot of the points the post above mines makes, and also want to add that I would consider parantheses--or, at least, the way you use them--to be inappropriate for a personal statement.

Good luck with revisions and come back with another version.


I'm beginning to think my skin is not as tough as I once believed haha. Thanks for your honesty though, it is definitely welcomed.

do you think I should scrap the format and structure or the topic altogether? if you mean the latter, could you please explain why it doesn't work? thanks!


The format is a little meandering and irrational, but the topic also has problems in that it's not very cohesive. I would suggest trying to focus in on something you feel is important, and be very specific, instead of trying to lay out your whole life story. Sorry if I come off a little too critical.


TITCR. In reference to your question, I wrote about debate, and traveling the world, although this is perhaps less useful as a model.




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