Personal Statement review/help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
johnny2012
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:26 am

Personal Statement review/help!

Postby johnny2012 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 10:39 am

Nvm
Last edited by johnny2012 on Thu Mar 01, 2012 7:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

bmore
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Personal Statement review/help!

Postby bmore » Mon Feb 27, 2012 11:08 am

For what it's worth:

"and actually taking a stance and doing so, are qualities that most people do not mutually possess". It would be "taking action".. and how do you know? Don't make broad generalizations about others.

I don't really get all the conclusions/connections you are making. Not sure how law would help you acheive your goals. You solved/bettered the unethical practices of the livestock community by becoming a vegan?? I think this needs a lot of rewriting but I am unsure how to help you except to say tone down the bak-patting.

johnny2012
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:26 am

Re: Personal Statement review/help!

Postby johnny2012 » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:18 pm

Nvm
Last edited by johnny2012 on Thu Mar 01, 2012 7:15 am, edited 1 time in total.

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No13baby
Posts: 440
Joined: Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:42 am

Re: Personal Statement review/help!

Postby No13baby » Mon Feb 27, 2012 6:15 pm

Instead of listing the various types of service you did, try to focus it around one or two that really resonated with you and how those specific things affected you and influenced your goals. For instance, your comments about being vegan imply that you're concerned about/active in animal welfare issues - if you could write more specifically about how you became aware of this issue and the steps you've taken to be part of the solution, I think this would be a lot more effective. For now, the only message I'm getting is "I've done a lot of volunteer work because I want to help people, and law school will help me help more people." Anyone could write that essay - focus on what's specific to you.

johnny2012
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:26 am

Re: Personal Statement review/help!

Postby johnny2012 » Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:48 am

Nvm
Last edited by johnny2012 on Thu Mar 01, 2012 7:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

bmore
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Personal Statement review/help!

Postby bmore » Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:23 am

I am an objective reader and these were just a couple of my opinions. Still having trouble reading it. "I replied simply with law school". Also, who cares how your peers view law school? I think your volunteer work and community service are elsewhere in your application. How about focusing on one event? Again, jmho but this statement just seems like a recitation of how super fab and selfless you think you are. I am not saying that you are not those things, but I don't think it will go over well.

johnny2012
Posts: 10
Joined: Fri Feb 24, 2012 6:26 am

Re: Personal Statement review/help!

Postby johnny2012 » Tue Feb 28, 2012 9:19 am

Bmore: how would you suggest a re-write of that line? Its not sheeting well with me either, but I'm a bare minimum type person and just thought it would do. My peers are included not to really show how they view law school, but to show how I'm viewed in the eyes of others and how in comparison to my peers I am stand out, is that not the message you receive?

Also, I thought the purpose of the personal statement was so that you present ourself and your best attributes while trying to give the reader an idea of who you are. My volunteer work and all extra curriculars for that matter are elsewhere in the app but I have them here because I was most involved with the volunteer organization here while in college. The other club I included was one I felt expressed my personal interests. I only include two here which isn't much compared to everything else I was involved in which is elsewhere in the app.

What exactly do you mean by focusing on one event? If your are talking about one event I did in my club, we did multiple little things but never really one large, grand event, or else I probably would have talked about it.

How does ones personal statement ever not come across as the person thinking they are great in one way or another? Please tell me what you would suggest. I'm flattered you used the term selfless. I'm merely writing about what I did and what I have to offer. I'm not writing about these things to appear selfless or because i think it will go over well. If in college I was a big jock and now spend my time coaching I would have written about that, but it just so happens I was president of a community service based organization and my vegan ism is one of my most important characteristics, and if we are supposed to paint a picture of ourselves for the committee, why would I not include that.

Any ideas would be appreciated. Not that I don't appreciate your criticism, but anyone can pick apart an essay. I'm asking for practical criticism I can actually put to use, that is after all the purpose if this forum.

Which did you prefer? Do you think I should include some parts of one, some of another? If you can give me some advice on strengthening what I have to work with so far that would be better. Also, could you, or anyone else out there, answer my colon question? Thank you




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