Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Neatrends
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Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby Neatrends » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:22 am

Trying to submit in the next half hour, unsure about the wording of a single sentence in my essay:

One of the moments that stands out most in my mind from these experiences was when (blah said)

or

One of the moments that stands out most in my mind from these experiences is when (blah said)

?

062914123
Posts: 1846
Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:11 pm

Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby 062914123 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:24 am

.
Last edited by 062914123 on Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Total Litigator
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Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby Total Litigator » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:25 am

Try something shorter....

nsbane
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Joined: Wed Jan 04, 2012 9:35 pm

Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby nsbane » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:26 am

Both options are a whole string of words that delays the reader from getting to the point.

By the way I'm pretty sure both would work. i think in spoken language we would say was.

nsbane
Posts: 163
Joined: Wed Jan 04, 2012 9:35 pm

Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby nsbane » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:27 am

bee wrote:
Neatrends wrote:Trying to submit in the next half hour, unsure about the wording of a single sentence in my essay:

One of the moments that stands out most in my mind from these experiences was when (blah said)

or

One of the moments that stands out most in my mind from these experiences is when (blah said)

?

IMHO:

In my mind, the most memorable moment was __________.

Don't over-complicate.

062914123
Posts: 1846
Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:11 pm

Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby 062914123 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:28 am

.
Last edited by 062914123 on Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Indifferent
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Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby Indifferent » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:33 am

Your sentence has no subject and ambiguously implies that you are offering to help someone edit a sentence rather than conveys that you are asking for help.

"The most memorable moment was" is TCR.

062914123
Posts: 1846
Joined: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:11 pm

Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby 062914123 » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:35 am

.
Last edited by 062914123 on Sun Jun 29, 2014 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Neatrends
Posts: 121
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Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby Neatrends » Wed Feb 15, 2012 11:41 am

Indifferent wrote:Your sentence has no subject and ambiguously implies that you are offering to help someone edit a sentence rather than conveys that you are asking for help.

"The most memorable moment was" is TCR.



Touche!

I think I will shorten it and stick to "was." Thanks for the input guys.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Need help editing a single sentence, anyone?

Postby kublaikahn » Wed Feb 15, 2012 9:57 pm

I remember most ...




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