Comments on PS please

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
pcwcecac
Posts: 146
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:32 am

Comments on PS please

Postby pcwcecac » Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:47 pm

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Last edited by pcwcecac on Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Comments on PS please

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:54 pm

The first four paragraphs are good, while the final three, although above average, reveal your youth & inexperience.

P.S. "...other parties' demands" or "other party's demands" ?
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

pcwcecac
Posts: 146
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:32 am

Re: Comments on PS please

Postby pcwcecac » Tue Feb 14, 2012 2:59 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:The first four paragraphs are good, while the final three reveal your youth & inexperience.

P.S. "...other parties' demands" or "other party's demands" ?


Thank you. I agree. I had a lot of trouble writing the last three, simply because of a lack of content and experience. Can you elaborate on your critique a bit? I believe of the last three paragraphs, the third to the last is the weakest. What are your thought on why it's good for lawyers to explore various perspectives?

Thanks again.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Comments on PS please

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:02 pm

The primary concern is the contrast between the first four paragraphs and the final three paragraphs. The first four are excellent, whereas the final three disappoint. Try to develop a tighter theme to make the essay flow more naturally and, hence, more convincingly.

The obvious difference is that the first portion of your writing is based on an actual experience, whereas the final part is based on conjecture.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

pcwcecac
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Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:32 am

Re: Comments on PS please

Postby pcwcecac » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:04 pm

I see exactly what you mean.

Thanks Canadian Wolf.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Comments on PS please

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:06 pm

To be clear, the first three paragraphs took my breath away. Very effective in an understated manner.

pcwcecac
Posts: 146
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:32 am

Re: Comments on PS please

Postby pcwcecac » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:07 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:The obvious difference is that the first portion of your writing is based on an actual experience, whereas the final part is based on conjecture.


So the issue I have is that I do not know how to address "why law school" and "why I will be a good law student" based on experience....

When you wrote your PS, how did you address those two questions?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Comments on PS please

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:09 pm

Too long ago to remember.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Comments on PS please

Postby rinkrat19 » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:11 pm

The comma after justice is unneccessary. Also, I don't really see how the quote connects.

Khmer Rouge is the name of the followers of the communist leaders of Cambodia, so being a survivor of them is an odd way to phrase it. I wouldn't say that someone was a survivor of the KKK or the Nazis, I'd say they were a survivor of an attack by the KKK, or a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps: specific acts by those groups.

Avoid the use of contractions, ellipses (...) and anything else more suited to informal writing. A PS is fairly formal in style.

Duong continued, “I’m just thankful that my wages can now be used to feed my children.” I have no idea what this quote means. What were his wages being used for before (rent?) and how does getting a house fix it, and how does that relate to justice or your first-world preconceptions?

Personally, I'd start this with some shock value to really grab the reader's attention.

I built a house for a murderer once. I was in Phnom Penh, Cambodia to participate in the Tabitha house building program – a charity program that aims to provide housing for those in need. Duong was one of the “lucky” few due to receive a new home built by my team. He had survived the genocides of the Khmer Rouge, but had lost his father, mother and brother.

When I pressed him about his family’s passing Duong paused and then said softly, “I was ordered to purify my family. I followed all orders.”


Note: "pressing" someone who had his family die in a genocide about their passing sounds wildly insensitive. Were you actually being a dick? If not, rephrase that so it doesn't sound like you were.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Comments on PS please

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:15 pm

I disagree about the need for shock value. The content is already horrifying. Presenting the man's story in a non-judgmental fashion is effective & sobering.

pcwcecac
Posts: 146
Joined: Tue Aug 09, 2011 9:32 am

Re: Comments on PS please

Postby pcwcecac » Tue Feb 14, 2012 3:18 pm

rinkrat19 wrote:The comma after justice is unneccessary. Also, I don't really see how the quote connects.

Khmer Rouge is the name of the followers of the communist leaders of Cambodia, so being a survivor of them is an odd way to phrase it. I wouldn't say that someone was a survivor of the KKK or the Nazis, I'd say they were a survivor of an attack by the KKK, or a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps: specific acts by those groups.

Avoid the use of contractions, ellipses (...) and anything else more suited to informal writing. A PS is fairly formal in style.

Duong continued, “I’m just thankful that my wages can now be used to feed my children.” I have no idea what this quote means. What were his wages being used for before (rent?) and how does getting a house fix it, and how does that relate to justice or your first-world preconceptions?

Personally, I'd start this with some shock value to really grab the reader's attention.

I built a house for a murderer once. I was in Phnom Penh, Cambodia to participate in the Tabitha house building program – a charity program that aims to provide housing for those in need. Duong was one of the “lucky” few due to receive a new home built by my team. He had survived the genocides of the Khmer Rouge, but had lost his father, mother and brother.

When I pressed him about his family’s passing Duong paused and then said softly, “I was ordered to purify my family. I followed all orders.”


Note: "pressing" someone who had his family die in a genocide about their passing sounds wildly insensitive. Were you actually being a dick? If not, rephrase that so it doesn't sound like you were.


Your revision is stylistically very different from mine. But I can see how it can be more effective as a PS opener. I'll give this one some thought

The quote loosely connects with the theme of the third paragraph. But I can see how that is more of a distraction.

Thank you very much for all of your comments.




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