Right direction?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Grade on a scale from 1 to 10 (1 being the worst thing you've ever read) what you think

1
2
12%
2
0
No votes
3
1
6%
4
1
6%
5
3
18%
6
3
18%
7
4
24%
8
3
18%
9
0
No votes
10
0
No votes
 
Total votes: 17

sempersexy
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2012 5:53 pm

Right direction?

Postby sempersexy » Tue Feb 07, 2012 7:00 pm

Alright, I need some serious, honest advice. I am the only person in my family who has graduated from college, let alone pursued higher education. Therefore, I have limited critiquing resources. Please help me in dialing this in and tuning it to perfection. I appreciate it. Thank you.

---

It is hard to believe that almost three years ago I found myself in the dark, covered in mud, with a shovel in my blistered hands. A water main had ruptured during the night. The pressure from the burst created a hole that consumed half of the road. As a result of neglecting my education, it was my job to repair the pipe and the damage it had caused.

I had jumped into the muddy hole in an effort to start making repairs and after landing in the knee deep water, my splash had caused the unstable walls to collapse. Before I became buried underneath tons of wet dirt, a co-worker had jumped on top of the pipe and yanked me from the trench. The mixture of asphalt and clay missed my co-worker by inches, as he scurried out of the trench after me.

My co-worker had risked his life for mine. I had the opportunity to pursue my education, but had journeyed down a path that had an adverse effect on my and my co-workers safety. Wet from the rain, cold from the winter and shaken by my near death experience, I questioned my aspirations and the direction I was allowing myself to go in.

I decided to refocus on my education. I fixed the rupture, cleaned up the mess the pipe had caused, gave my two weeks notice and left.

After years of working from a near college dropout to a student with fellowships and sought after undergraduate positions, I forgot about my near death experience and the man who saved my life. I was too busy competing for awards and merit that I displaced the experiences that led to my success. It wasn’t until I ran into my-co-worker while running an errand that I realized I had taken him from granted. From that point on, I felt in debt to my co-worker, and made the decision to pay his acts forward. How to emulate his actions, however, was the question.

While working as a college journalist, I had written a story about students committing to serve their country as officers. At the time, my grandfather was fighting a legal battle concerning his injuries sustained in the Korean Conflict and National Public Radio had ran a story about the discrimination of soldiers returning from Iraq. These three things prompted to investigate the services of those in the military. After writing another news story, witnessing more people join the armed forces and listening to more tales of veteran exploitation, I wondered why I felt so much in debt to one man and nothing to an entire army of men and women who risked their lives for mine on a daily basis.

This was the answer to how I could continue the lesson I learned from my co-worker. Determined to bridge the gap in my appreciation, I decided to join the military and not only serve my country, but those who served it. Furthermore, the legal strife of my grandfather, the discrimination of veterans and my potential to continue my education made it clear I could best serve my future comrades through law. I began the process to become a Judge Advocate General (JAG). For the last two years, I have worked with the United States Marine Corps Officer Candidate program in doing so.

Today, I am a high-skilled worker for the biggest mineral processing firm in the world. And while I am challenged and well-payed, I am not serving my country and pursuing my desire to become a JAG.

My co-worker’s simple act has developed a sense duty to those who serve this nation. I can see no better way to advocate for my past and future co-workers than to practice law on their behalf. Understanding the value of my education, and having worked from a “shovel kicker” to a young professional, I am confident I would fair well at the XX College of Law. YY’s goal to incorporate leadership roles into the curriculum and professor ZZ’s international law experience concerning terrorism are just two of the many distinguished faculty members who will prepare me for serving this nation. Such a decision is not mine to make, but I am humbled to be considered.

sempersexy
Posts: 6
Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2012 5:53 pm

Re: Right direction?

Postby sempersexy » Tue Feb 07, 2012 10:44 pm

awesome! People are answering the pole. Thank you guys. If you don't have the energy to comment, simply grade it. It is very appreciated.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.