REVISED PERSONAL STATEMENT: OPINIONS, COMMENTS WELCOMED.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

REVISED PERSONAL STATEMENT: OPINIONS, COMMENTS WELCOMED.

Postby ugobabe86 » Fri Jan 27, 2012 10:56 pm

Hunger was killing me and I was desperate for something to eat. Decorum, however, dictated that we wait until all the noted guests were present and seated. It was the S.C. Fast-a-Thon, and I had signed up to take part in the fast for just one day.

Taking a sip of water and making small talk with my cousins who had accompanied me to the dinner, I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee and she had lost both legs to an American missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We were gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of Iraqi children like her.

I was raised in Nigeria amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Rampant corruption oozed from every pore of the community where I was raised. As it always is, the children suffered most, often being used as pawns for criminals bargaining for ransom, or as objects for all manners of abuse. Growing up, I witnessed endless abuse against children and lost playmates to kidnapping. Hearing Salee’s story reminded me of the reality of war. Despite all she had been through, her smile remained. For pure hands-on impact, the Fast-a-thon eclipsed all of my university education, which had only relayed figures and facts. So I was motivated to take action. Violent conflicts have consequences and Salee was a perfect example.

I wanted to be constructive. I wanted to be actively engaged. And I found this as a court appointed advocate. As an advocate, I worked for children dealing with abuse and neglect, working hand in hand with social workers and the system. Through my advocacy, I had the opportunity to dive into problems and find ways to help the children; through counseling or simply through one on one conversation. Meeting children caught in the middle of their parents’ poor decisions placed me in a position of great sympathy for them. This sympathy pushed me to work harder for their wellbeing.

Through my work as an advocate, another issue came to my attention: that of poverty among minorities and how it has played a role in the lives of children. The cases I handled involved one parent working a minimum wage job and surviving on their children’s social security checks, while the other parent stole those checks for personal use.

I found in these children a new sense of enlightenment when it became clear that they had a say in how their lives were to be affected. There is an unmatched honesty in working for children. Their lives are dependent on our doing our best work for them. Of course, I also understood the implications of failing to represent their interests to the best of my abilities. That knowledge has affirmed my decision to fight for their rights as the correct one for me. The lesson I learned is that the youngest among us deserve a voice, and to have their wellbeing looked after.

Through this I have gained an understanding that representing a cause goes beyond mere advocacy. Rather, it is about seeing below the surface, and understanding the value of action. That is what has steered me towards law school, where I hope to go beyond the courtroom and become a voice that can effectively spark a change in the way children’s rights are implemented. I feel that the rights of children are a measure of the human rights of a civilization.

I hope to use my education to access international children’s organizations that focus on human rights and policies, and to one day influence the enforcement of those policies.

THANK YOU :)

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ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Re: REVISED PERSONAL STATEMENT: OPINIONS, COMMENTS WELCOMED.

Postby ugobabe86 » Sun Jan 29, 2012 3:33 pm

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

mkd296
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Jan 23, 2012 7:22 pm

Re: REVISED PERSONAL STATEMENT: OPINIONS, COMMENTS WELCOMED.

Postby mkd296 » Sun Jan 29, 2012 11:05 pm

The substance and the theme are top notch.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: REVISED PERSONAL STATEMENT: OPINIONS, COMMENTS WELCOMED.

Postby kublaikahn » Sun Jan 29, 2012 11:32 pm

ugobabe86 wrote:Hunger was killing me and I was desperate for something to eat.[redundant] Decorum, however, dictated that we wait until all the noted guests were present and seated. It was I was attending the S.C.[don't abbreviate] Fast-a-Thon, and I had signed up to take part in the fast for just one day. [use active voice, "I signed up to fast for just a single day."]

Taking a sip of Sipping water and making small talk with my cousins who had accompanied me to the dinner at my table, I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee and she had lost both legs to an American missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We were gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of Iraqi children like her.

I was raised in Nigeria amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Rampant corruption oozed from every pore of the community where I was raised. [get rid of the these weird metaphors, e.g. "I was raised in a community where corruption ran rampant."] As it always often is, the children suffered most. I often witnessed children being used as pawns for criminals bargaining kidnapped for ransom, or used as objects for all manners of abuse. Growing up, I witnessed endless abuse against children and lost playmates to kidnapping. Hearing Salee’s story reminded me of the reality high cost of war. Yet, despite all she had been through, her smile remained. For pure hands-on impact, the Fast-a-thon eclipsed all of did more to motivate me than my entire university education, which had only relayed an insight into abstract figures and facts. So Salee was a perfect example of the violent outcome of armed conflicts and I was motivated to respond take action. Violent conflicts have consequences and Salee was a perfect example.

I wanted to be constructive. I wanted to be actively engaged. And I found this an opportunity to be engaged and constructive as a court appointed advocate. As an advocate, I worked for with abused and neglected children dealing with abuse and neglect, working hand in hand with social workers and the system. Through my advocacy, I had the opportunity to dive into problems and findfinding ways to helpthe children; through counseling or simply through one on one conversation. [how is counseling different than one on one conversation?] Meeting children caught in the middle of their parents’ poor decisions placed me in a position of great sympathy for them. This sympathy pushed me to work harder for their wellbeing. [these last two sentences add no value, the reader should understand that you empathize. Use the space to give us a story or takeaway.]

Through my work as an advocate, another issue came to my attention: that of poverty among minorities and how it has played a role in the lives of children.[this is an incredibly weak way to introduce a topic. Fortunately the whole paragraph needed to be scrapped.] The cases I handled involved one parent working a minimum wage job and surviving on their children’s social security checks, while the other parent stole those checks for personal use. [Don't give us an explanation, give us a real example, focused on you perspective in it.]

I found in these children a new sense of enlightenment [was the sense of enlightenment in them or you?, rewrite the sentence so it makes the object being modified more clear] when it became clear that they had a say in how their lives were to be affected. There is an unmatched honesty in working for children. [new thesis? and what does that mean?] Their lives are dependent on our doing our best work for them. Of course, [never say of course. too informal. if something is so obvious as to be a matter of course, it need not be said in a tightly drafted two page paper] I also understood the implications of failing to represent their interests to the best of my abilities. That knowledge has affirmed my decision to fight for their rights as the correct one for me. The lesson I learned is that the youngest among us deserve a voice, and to have their wellbeing looked after. [rewrite the last three sentences. e.g "I recognized how critical professional advocacy is to the well being of these children. I learned that I could be their voice and this has reaffirmed my decision to fight for their rights.]

Through this I have gained an understanding that representing a cause goes beyond mere advocacy.[what is mere advocacy? Is not advocacy action? I think what you want to say is that you can identifiy with these kids and, thus, understand the value of acting.] Rather, it is about seeing below the surface, and understanding the value of action. That is what has steered me towards law school, where I hope to go beyond the courtroom and become a voice that can effectively spark a change in the way children’s rights are implemented. I feel that the rights of children are a measure of the human rights of a civilization. [nice sub-thesis, but unsupported by your piece. This lofty language does not add value. Focus on yourself.]

I hope to use my education to access [do you mean work for? I accessed a dentist last week] international children’s organizations that focus on human rights and policies [by definition, int. childrens orgs. focus on policies affecting the human rights of children] and to one day influence the enforcement of those policies.

THANK YOU :)

I trust the thank you at the end is for TLS and not a part of your piece.

User avatar
ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Re: REVISED PERSONAL STATEMENT: OPINIONS, COMMENTS WELCOMED.

Postby ugobabe86 » Mon Jan 30, 2012 2:01 am

kublaikahn wrote:
ugobabe86 wrote:Hunger was killing me and I was desperate for something to eat.[redundant] Decorum, however, dictated that we wait until all the noted guests were present and seated. It was I was attending the S.C.[don't abbreviate] Fast-a-Thon, and I had signed up to take part in the fast for just one day. [use active voice, "I signed up to fast for just a single day."]

Taking a sip of Sipping water and making small talk with my cousins who had accompanied me to the dinner at my table, I noticed a small child with a smile that lit up the room. Her name was Salee and she had lost both legs to an American missile attack that also deprived her of a brother and a cousin. We were gathered to hear Salee’s story and the plight of thousands of Iraqi children like her.

I was raised in Nigeria amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Rampant corruption oozed from every pore of the community where I was raised. [get rid of the these weird metaphors, e.g. "I was raised in a community where corruption ran rampant."] As it always often is, the children suffered most. I often witnessed children being used as pawns for criminals bargaining kidnapped for ransom, or used as objects for all manners of abuse. Growing up, I witnessed endless abuse against children and lost playmates to kidnapping. Hearing Salee’s story reminded me of the reality high cost of war. Yet, despite all she had been through, her smile remained. For pure hands-on impact, the Fast-a-thon eclipsed all of did more to motivate me than my entire university education, which had only relayed an insight into abstract figures and facts. So Salee was a perfect example of the violent outcome of armed conflicts and I was motivated to respond take action. Violent conflicts have consequences and Salee was a perfect example.

I wanted to be constructive. I wanted to be actively engaged. And I found this an opportunity to be engaged and constructive as a court appointed advocate. As an advocate, I worked for with abused and neglected children dealing with abuse and neglect, working hand in hand with social workers and the system. Through my advocacy, I had the opportunity to dive into problems and findfinding ways to helpthe children; through counseling or simply through one on one conversation. [how is counseling different than one on one conversation?] Meeting children caught in the middle of their parents’ poor decisions placed me in a position of great sympathy for them. This sympathy pushed me to work harder for their wellbeing. [these last two sentences add no value, the reader should understand that you empathize. Use the space to give us a story or takeaway.]

Through my work as an advocate, another issue came to my attention: that of poverty among minorities and how it has played a role in the lives of children.[this is an incredibly weak way to introduce a topic. Fortunately the whole paragraph needed to be scrapped.] The cases I handled involved one parent working a minimum wage job and surviving on their children’s social security checks, while the other parent stole those checks for personal use. [Don't give us an explanation, give us a real example, focused on you perspective in it.]

I found in these children a new sense of enlightenment [was the sense of enlightenment in them or you?, rewrite the sentence so it makes the object being modified more clear] when it became clear that they had a say in how their lives were to be affected. There is an unmatched honesty in working for children. [new thesis? and what does that mean?] Their lives are dependent on our doing our best work for them. Of course, [never say of course. too informal. if something is so obvious as to be a matter of course, it need not be said in a tightly drafted two page paper] I also understood the implications of failing to represent their interests to the best of my abilities. That knowledge has affirmed my decision to fight for their rights as the correct one for me. The lesson I learned is that the youngest among us deserve a voice, and to have their wellbeing looked after. [rewrite the last three sentences. e.g "I recognized how critical professional advocacy is to the well being of these children. I learned that I could be their voice and this has reaffirmed my decision to fight for their rights.]

Through this I have gained an understanding that representing a cause goes beyond mere advocacy.[what is mere advocacy? Is not advocacy action? I think what you want to say is that you can identifiy with these kids and, thus, understand the value of acting.] Rather, it is about seeing below the surface, and understanding the value of action. That is what has steered me towards law school, where I hope to go beyond the courtroom and become a voice that can effectively spark a change in the way children’s rights are implemented. I feel that the rights of children are a measure of the human rights of a civilization. [nice sub-thesis, but unsupported by your piece. This lofty language does not add value. Focus on yourself.]

I hope to use my education to access [do you mean work for? I accessed a dentist last week] international children’s organizations that focus on human rights and policies [by definition, int. childrens orgs. focus on policies affecting the human rights of children] and to one day influence the enforcement of those policies.

THANK YOU :)

I trust the thank you at the end is for TLS and not a part of your piece.


Yes it was meant for TLS :lol: I really appreciate the help.




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