Please edit this paragraph in my Why XXX essay

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Blue Ivy
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:50 am

Please edit this paragraph in my Why XXX essay

Postby Blue Ivy » Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:17 pm

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Last edited by Blue Ivy on Tue Feb 14, 2012 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Yeshia90
Posts: 988
Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:23 am

Re: Please edit this paragraph in my Why XXX essay

Postby Yeshia90 » Fri Jan 27, 2012 12:02 am

But this doesn't have anything to do with why you want to get in to the porn industry...

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Kikero
Posts: 1208
Joined: Mon Mar 01, 2010 12:28 am

Re: Please edit this paragraph in my Why XXX essay

Postby Kikero » Fri Jan 27, 2012 12:15 am

You need a "to" after "consumers."

I agree that it's a little wordy, but it's not grammatically incorrect. I might switch it to:

Developing my skill of writing complex legal contracts and proposals, coupled with instruction from the highly competent professors at Seattle University School of Law will be invaluable to my "blank" (goal, desire, etc.) of working with financial institutions and consumers to find agreeable solutions in loan default situations.

That's just me personally though, it's still just as wordy but it seems less...choppy?

Overall it looks good to me though (although I am but a lowly 0L).

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icecold3000
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:50 am

Re: Please edit this paragraph in my Why XXX essay

Postby icecold3000 » Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:03 pm

1. extremely verbose
2. "Bank of America" and the phrase "highest moral standard" should never be in the same sentence




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