please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

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jd5
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please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby jd5 » Tue Jan 24, 2012 6:57 pm

Deleted.
Last edited by jd5 on Tue Jan 24, 2012 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jd5
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby jd5 » Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:00 pm

Let 'er rip. Any feedback is much appreciated.

masked kavana
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby masked kavana » Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:06 pm

You have a good writing style and can express yourself eloquently but overall the ps seems a bit dry. I can relate to how certain classes give rise to an interest in law but so can a lot of law applicants. I guess what it comes down to is that the statement isn't anything terribly inventive or memorable.

But with your numbers I don't think that having a memorable ps is necessary and you'll be admitted to most (if not all) of the schools youre applying to.
Last edited by masked kavana on Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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DaftAndDirect
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby DaftAndDirect » Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:08 pm

I think you can eliminate those first two paragraphs. They don't add anything substantive to the story, and the "everyone's told me I would be a good lawyer" schtick has been done to death (and it's especially trite here because you're talking about your second grade teacher). Use the extra words freed up by deletion of the first two paragraphs to discuss your major in even more depth. It sounds like the major is where you get most of your inspiration.

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inthebeginning
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby inthebeginning » Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:12 pm

I haven't read many personal statements on this site, but a couple of them have started out with a story of a kid arguing because it's in his nature. Personally I think you should use a different anecdote, or just start with the third paragraph. You can try starting with the third paragraph and adding a paragraph on being a paralegal? Could make the story more robust - drawn into law in school, saw the real thing at the justice dept. If I didn't see that last part I would think you were straight out of UG.

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inthebeginning
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby inthebeginning » Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:13 pm

DaftAndDirect wrote:I think you can eliminate those first two paragraphs. They don't add anything substantive to the story, and the "everyone's told me I would be a good lawyer" schtick has been done to death (and it's especially trite here because you're talking about your second grade teacher). Use the extra words freed up by deletion of the first two paragraphs to discuss your major in even more depth. It sounds like the major is where you get most of your inspiration.


Haha yea didn't see this before my post

jd5
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby jd5 » Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:25 pm

.
Last edited by jd5 on Wed Jan 25, 2012 12:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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crabcakes
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby crabcakes » Tue Jan 24, 2012 7:59 pm

i enjoy your writing/writing style, but this seems to be too much of a re-telling of your resume. it's sprawling and a bit boring. it would be better if you could isolate a particular story or experience and expand upon it. also, while it does answer the question of "why do you want to go to law school?" it doesn't tell us much else.

and i agree, take out the 2nd grade part. not relevant.

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crabcakes
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby crabcakes » Tue Jan 24, 2012 8:03 pm

masked kavana wrote:You have a good writing style and can express yourself eloquently but overall the ps seems a bit dry. I can relate to how certain classes give rise to an interest in law but so can a lot of law applicants. I guess what it comes down to is that the statement isn't anything terribly inventive or memorable.

But with your numbers I don't think that having a memorable ps is necessary and you'll be admitted to most (if not all) of the schools youre applying to.


oh wait, just saw your numbers. yeah, you should just use this and submit ASAP. it's the timing that will be your biggest enemy now.

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KRog
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby KRog » Tue Jan 24, 2012 8:15 pm

....
Last edited by KRog on Tue Jan 24, 2012 11:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JasonR
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby JasonR » Tue Jan 24, 2012 8:41 pm

crabcakes wrote:
masked kavana wrote:You have a good writing style and can express yourself eloquently but overall the ps seems a bit dry. I can relate to how certain classes give rise to an interest in law but so can a lot of law applicants. I guess what it comes down to is that the statement isn't anything terribly inventive or memorable.

But with your numbers I don't think that having a memorable ps is necessary and you'll be admitted to most (if not all) of the schools youre applying to.


oh wait, just saw your numbers. yeah, you should just use this and submit ASAP. it's the timing that will be your biggest enemy now.


+1

jd5
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby jd5 » Wed Jan 25, 2012 1:33 am

Thanks for all the feedback, everybody.

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KRog
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Re: please critique? submitting in under 24 hours

Postby KRog » Wed Jan 25, 2012 1:36 am

Good luck!




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