Critique my PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ktenasni
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 2:46 pm

Critique my PS

Postby ktenasni » Fri Jan 20, 2012 2:51 pm

Hi, I was wondering if anyone would critique the rough draft of my personal statement? Thank you!


“Your father isn’t doing very well right now. He is going to need emergency neck surgery.” When my mother told me my father’s surgery was scheduled for tomorrow I panicked. There were so many thoughts running through my head, I had to sit down and collect myself. Not only did I have to worry about the health of my father, I had to worry about the daunting task of running the family business while he was out with injury. I knew I had a difficult decision to make. Should I take the semester off while I run the business? I had developed a very good work ethic by working all throughout high school and this point of my college career but running the business was different. On top of it being more stressful, the responsibility was much greater and more time consuming. I ultimately decided that I was up for the challenge, I would run my fathers business while attending school.

My new daily routine had me opening the shop early in the mornings for the shop managers. We would prepare for the day by starting up all the equipment and making sure everything was functional. After everything was set up I would then head over to school. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend all my classes back to back early in the mornings. Upon completing my classes, I would hurry back to work and finish my day there. When I first assumed my new role at work it was nothing short of chaotic, I was terrified. I felt that I had no clue what I was doing. I had no set routine, no direction and no one to fall back on. I was scared that my grades would start slipping and that I would run my fathers business into the ground. I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle the pressures of this new lifestyle and let my family down. I stood there alone with what seemed like the weight of the world on my shoulders. Not only did I have my new responsibilities to manage at work, I still had my old ones. In between servicing automobiles and my customer service responsibilities I had to find the time to perform my newly acquired duties of paying the companies bills, payroll and negotiations with our vendors. Sometimes I would be able to finish my days work before business hours were over and sometimes I had to stay after to complete them. The days were long and the nights were even longer. After work was over I would go home exhausted and study until I could not stay awake any longer. After weeks of cramming and a very strenuous schedule I decided it was time to find a game plan that would better assist me.

After researching several plans, I implemented one that would help me manage my time better and allow me to become more efficient. I started to feel more comfortable in my role at work and overcame my feelings of stress and anxiety. Assuming this role at a young age had a very positive effect on my level of maturity. I had a new-found level of motivation driving me to achieve greatness. I applied these new methods I had learned towards school and began to excel. Nothing was going to stop me from achieving my dream of obtaining a bachelors degree in aviation. My first semester completed while subbing in for my father was the best I had up until that point. My grades had improved and my overall understanding of my coursework had increased. As each semester went on I performed better and eventually finished my last year on the deans list for my academic achievement. What had started off as a bad situation, changed my life for the better.

The life lessons and experiences I learned from taking on such responsibilities are essential to the person I am today and the reason for my work ethic, ambitions and success. I wholeheartedly believe that my academic and work experiences have provided me with the necessary skills to pursue a legal education. I look forward to rising up and facing the challenges that law school has to offer. From my own personal experiences of facing challenges, I have come to reap the benefits that come with it no matter the outcome. I look forward to take joy in the results that will undoubtedly make my life better.

Jaks
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 1:37 pm

Re: Critique my PS

Postby Jaks » Fri Jan 20, 2012 5:34 pm

I think you have a great story to tell but I don't think your PS does a great job of telling it. The biggest problem is the lack of specificity. For instance, nowhere in the piece do you mention what your family business was. The reader is left to infer that it was running a garage of some kind. Don't make readers work more than they have to. This applies throughout. What specific strategies did you use to combine work and school successfully? Did you study longer hours etc., how did you make it work? Also what specially did you learn from the experience? Did it make your more responsible? And why did it lead you to attend law school. The reader should be able to answer all these questions. Also, since you mention your father at the beginning, you have to explain somewhere in the piece what happened to him. Did he recover from his surgery? And why did he need it in the first place? Finally you should do a better job of situating this experience. When did the events you describe take place? When you say your father's surgery was scheduled for tomorrow, when do you mean? Bottom line: be much, much more specific than you are now. The devil is in the details, but so is the key to great writing.

ktenasni
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 2:46 pm

Re: Critique my PS

Postby ktenasni » Fri Jan 20, 2012 5:48 pm

Thank you for taking time out of your day to review my PS. I will go through and make the necessary changes and add detail to it.

Jaks
Posts: 5
Joined: Fri Jan 20, 2012 1:37 pm

Re: Critique my PS

Postby Jaks » Fri Jan 20, 2012 6:37 pm

You bet. Best of luck.




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