Please edit ONE paragraph for me!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Blue Ivy
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:50 am

Please edit ONE paragraph for me!

Postby Blue Ivy » Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:17 pm

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Last edited by Blue Ivy on Tue Feb 14, 2012 8:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

postn0bills
Posts: 160
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 4:09 pm

Re: Please edit ONE paragraph for me!

Postby postn0bills » Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:20 pm

I like it, but I would remove this line "It was about what made sense financially, not emotionally." You've already made that point, it's redundant, and by reiterating it makes it seem like you are placing emphasis on your emotional disconnect rather than your ability to approach a case objectively.

Blue Ivy
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:50 am

Re: Please edit ONE paragraph for me!

Postby Blue Ivy » Thu Jan 19, 2012 9:34 pm

Thanks for the feedback! I see what you mean.

Blue Ivy
Posts: 40
Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:50 am

Re: Please edit ONE paragraph for me!

Postby Blue Ivy » Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:05 pm

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Last edited by Blue Ivy on Tue Feb 14, 2012 8:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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fashiongirl
Posts: 279
Joined: Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:30 am

Re: Please edit ONE paragraph for me!

Postby fashiongirl » Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:39 am

The last sentence is a really long fragment.

Also the part about "speaking their language" was weird to me too. Not sure what to put in there.

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jrthor10
Posts: 364
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:33 am

Re: Please edit ONE paragraph for me!

Postby jrthor10 » Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:56 am

shouldn't there be a "the" in front of precipice in the first sentence?

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jrthor10
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Re: Please edit ONE paragraph for me!

Postby jrthor10 » Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:57 am

fashiongirl wrote:The last sentence is a really long fragment.

Also the part about "speaking their language" was weird to me too. Not sure what to put in there.



Also, this.




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