PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ks22
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Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:19 pm

PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:07 pm

1002 words

Personal Statement

As I sat in my office, curiously staring at my computer screen, my CFO’s shadow towering over me enough to make the room seem pitch-black. I then rhetorically asked aloud “Why would this financial advisor sell $3.2 million of borrowed positions in his wife’s account, while the rest of his clients are buying? Is he deceiving his clients? Does he have inside information? Is he creating commissions for himself in his own wife’s account?” As I patiently waited for my CFO to jump into the conversation, an uncomfortable silence was all that I would be hearing for that moment. I could sense his frustration building up, and the tension was lingering all around the room, until he said “I don’t know, but I want to know. I want to know NOW!’ I could then hear his footsteps bearing towards the door, and felt a gust of wind hit my back right before the door thunderously slammed shut.

The frustration of my CFO was due to the possibility that the intentions of the financial advisor are dishonest and misleading. If the accusation is found true and made public, it can be devastating not only to our firm’s reputation, but to our shareholders as well.
These are the type of circumstances that I investigate on a daily basis with my current employment. This is also the type of situation that is leading me into your school of law. The answers to these types of incidents can be cloudy, but it is my job to make them clear. I communicate with the SEC, FINRA, NYSE and all regulatory law making bodies of the financial world day after day on these matters. It is my duty to explore the reasoning behind financial advisors’ actions, and my findings have minimized the risk of our firm’s leveraged positions, or bring justice to mistreated clients.

Previous to this employment, as a sector portfolio fund manager, I was in charge of the buying and selling in a certain “sector”. The majority of fund portfolios are broken down into 12 to 15 sectors to manage risk, and keep the heavier concentrations in the sectors of the portfolio that are believed to be successful. For example, I was in charge of the financial sector that consists of banks, financial institutions, insurance companies and any public company that was a holder of money. It was my job to report to the board the moves I made with their money and the reasons for these moves.

I quickly realized how difficult and embarrassing it can be for fund managers to report a loss from their sector. Reciprocally, I realized how easy and tempting it is to cover these losses up, and not report them to the owners of the fund. If negative news is all that you have to report to clients, it can be damaging to the funding of the portfolio, and to future prospects that would like to join the fund. In essence, nobody wants to keep their money into something that is losing. Clients will always look for the funds that will win with their money. From the standpoint of a manger it can be very tempting to report false earnings. When money is reported that does not exist, the funds begin to sink like ships. Paranoia and anxiety will then kick in, and panic can cause decisions to be made with the money of the clients that will destroy the futures of others. Criminal acts like these happen daily, and are happening this moment.

My current career would not have been the choice for most with my upbringing. As the second of six sons to a small rural town farmer and homemaker, my parents easily realized that it was getting tougher to make ends meet with six children. As a teen, my father began pursuing his bachelors during the evening while spending his days working on our farm. His hard work eventually paid off after a demanding length of time. He received his bachelors, and subsequently pursued his masters. He is now high school assistant principal and head varsity basketball coach in my hometown. My mother followed with her bachelors, and teaches special education in the same high school for the betterment of my family.

I was taught to work hard at a young age, and learned quickly that to become something I would have to earn it. I feel that I have arrived at this point in my life from the ground up, and by establishing a reputation that is worth having. I am an avid believer that with the right principles set in place for the financial industry, its reputation can build on a solid foundation to replenish its standing in society that it once had. In order for this to happen the loopholes that are available to financiers would need to be closed. I know the way these loopholes are abused, and what it will take to close them. I will be a great asset in the right direction for this industry when given the opportunity to practice law.

I have been a financial advisor. I have been a portfolio manager. I have been a financial analyst. I have now found my purpose in this life, and it begins in law school. I am employed with the second largest financial institution in the world, and through my profession I know the loopholes in the financial industry. I will fight with every lasting breath to see the laws are put into place to close these loopholes. I know how financial institutions think, and how to determine if there thinking is ethical. I have a niche for communicating with brokers, and figuring out their real intentions. I aspire to become a lawyer to repair this broken financial industry that we currently live in, and to get the laws passed that would accomplish this goal. I have a passion for achieving this, and will excel in the top of my class at your school of law if given the opportunity.

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franklyscarlet
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby franklyscarlet » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:09 pm

On first glance-- first sentence is not a complete sentence, and the whole first paragraph overuses the conditional tense.

ks22
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:12 pm

I work with numbers, please clarify. ha I do appreciate any help. My paper writing is rusty. Rip it to shreads!

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franklyscarlet
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby franklyscarlet » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:14 pm

ks22 wrote:I work with numbers, please clarify. ha I do appreciate any help. My paper writing is rusty. Rip it to shreads!


First sentence needs to say "my CFO towered" instead of towering, or take off the As from the front. When I say conditional tense, I mean that you mostly say things like "I had said" rather than "I said." it removes the reader from the story and feels very awkward.

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laxbrah420
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby laxbrah420 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:16 pm

As I sat in my office, curiously staring at my computer screen, my CFO’s shadow towering over me enough to make the room seem pitch-black

needs to be fixed.
perhaps
As I sat in my office curiously staring at my computer screen, my lips began to quiver as my CFO gently breathed down the back of my neck.

ks22
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:18 pm

I did think that at first, but do I want to sound scared of my CFO?..not a good lawyer trait for an admissions papaer is what I was thinking...

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laxbrah420
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby laxbrah420 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:21 pm

I didn't read much after that first sentence, but I figured you were going for arousal. If not, I'd change the tone so it doesn't sound like you're writing a romance novel.

ks22
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:25 pm

hah probaby a little to much drama enhancement, I would agree....thanks Lax

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PopTorts13
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby PopTorts13 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:28 pm

My ps was half the length. Not sure if that helps any, but just wanted to say quality over quantity... well, unless the word quantity is a requirement. Best of luck and watch out for run-ons with excessive descriptors.

ks22
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:31 pm

Thanks pop torts...Yes, I was worried about length, so I did put the # of words up there. I do have trouble with being to wordy in a lot of my writing.

ks22
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:32 pm

I worry about to informative as if reading a book? rather than personal statement...thoughts anyone?

ks22
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:33 pm

textbook that is..

nsbane
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby nsbane » Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:52 pm

Much more interesting than your first draft. However, too much description that detracts, not adds. For example:

curiously staring
my CFO’s shadow towering over me enough to make the room seem pitch-black.
I then rhetorically asked aloud
and felt a gust of wind hit my back right before the
door thunderously slammed shut.

You do not build tension in a personal essay by adding so much description. In fact, it deflates your essay. Understated works best. So much description comes across the same way a college essay from a student who didn't read the material; bullshitting and empty air to fill space. People who don't have any interesting experiences use the same puffery.

That is not to say what you are writing about is bullshit. You truly have interesting experiences. Simple, unadorned facts of interesting subject matter is the strongest thing you could write with.

Phrase "previous to this employment" is so awkward. Change it.

Don't put sector in quotations unless you are using the term ironically (you aren't).

Finally, once again, essay is much better than last time. I suggest showing it to a few friends and ask them what is unclear.

ks22
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Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:19 pm

Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:36 pm

Thank you nsbane. I tried to use your pointers from the first draft as much as possible. I to was second guessing myself with the novelish BS style in the opening paragraph...I do feel much better about this one! thanks again

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JoeMo
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Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby JoeMo » Wed Jan 18, 2012 10:50 pm

1. and how to determine if there thinking is ethical... should be THEIR

2. you use "sector" incorrectly. I'm assuming it is a sector and if it is, it does not require the ""

3. As a lawyer you will not really do this so get rid of it: I aspire to become a lawyer to repair this broken financial industry that we currently live in, and to get the laws passed that would accomplish this goal

4. You also don't want to sound overconfident so you have to get rid of "will excel in the top of my class" you have to realize that we all feel the same way but 50% of us will end up in the bottom of the class so it's not possible for you to know this and makes you sound like an overconfident douche.

5. Was it well-written? Sure. Was it effective? Not really. I learned nothing about you, I would be able to see that you were a financial manager, analyst and whatever else in your resume. I feel like all you did was walk me through a day in the life of someone in the finance world and then tried to build a very weak bridge between that and your possible career in law.

ks22
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Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:19 pm

Re: PERSONAL STATEMENT Round 2...tear me up!!!

Postby ks22 » Thu Jan 19, 2012 12:02 am

Joemo, I was thinking the same thing in my earlier post...does it really sound like a personal statement for law school, or just an informatve walk through part of my life??...what should I get rid of? and what kind of material should be added?




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