personal statement – 1st draft - any critiques/advice?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tundra
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2012 12:24 pm

personal statement – 1st draft - any critiques/advice?

Postby tundra » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:29 pm

thank you! :)
Last edited by tundra on Wed Jan 18, 2012 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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jrthor10
Posts: 364
Joined: Fri Jul 08, 2011 10:33 am

Re: personal statement – 1st draft - any critiques/advice?

Postby jrthor10 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:35 pm

I like the yoga theme, but too many things going on at once. You jump from your education to your mother, without much of a transition (unless I missed it). Also, in your last paragraph you said you "maybe: want to better the community as a whole? I found that a little off putting. If you want to improve the community, then say it. If not, then don't say it.

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DaftAndDirect
Posts: 381
Joined: Fri Jan 28, 2011 4:28 pm

Re: personal statement – 1st draft - any critiques/advice?

Postby DaftAndDirect » Wed Jan 18, 2012 1:37 pm

Yoga is a fitness craze that consists of flexible people doing intricate poses and chant chanting their way to good health.




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