Critical Review or Commentary Needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bcranm58
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:28 am

Critical Review or Commentary Needed

Postby bcranm58 » Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:35 am

Here's an updated second draft, Again, any and all critiques are welcome. Many thanks in advance.

Ecstatic does not even begin to describe my feelings for the first day of football try-outs in sixth grade. It was a new school and I didn’t know anyone. This was my opportunity to shine and prove myself and in the south, young boys do this with athletics. Little did I know, I was in for a rude awakening. After a grueling two hours long practice, I was nauseated. I hopped in my father’s Bronco and said, “I want to quit!” My father, a hard-working self-made business owner, told me to give it one more shot. I sucked it up and made it to practice the next day. The decision to go back was one of the biggest decisions in shaping my life. The initiative to return holds true in every facet of my life. Granted, I know I have and will be presented challenges more difficult than determining whether or not to quit a sixth grade football team. Each day I wake up with an ambition and confidence of knowing, I no longer am just trying out for the team, I’ve become the voice of the team.

This new found inner drive helped shape me as a strong willed person. I used it to excel in a Business Law class in high school. I found every aspect of this class fascinating. My interest in law was sparked during this class. Dissecting the statutes and understanding the many interpretations of each word enthused me more than anything else I had studied up to that point. The individuality of Louisiana’s civil code gave me just another thing to be proud of in my uniquely different home state. The culmination of the class came with a mock trial. I wanted to be one of the attorneys. I made sure I was assigned to the prosecution, I studied and memorized every little bit of the trial briefing, from witness testimony to the facts of the case given to us. My preparation was evident when throughout the questioning of witnesses I knew exactly where the testimony was going and when to object the opposing attorney as he was leading the witnesses. I discovered my passion in the law and realized I needed to base my life on it, after receiving a guilty verdict on all counts.

Law has always been a part of my life and my family has had a huge impact on modeling my life. Growing up, my father was the owner of a motel, where he ran his own security. We had many encounters with law enforcement. Our family was also involved in multiple lawsuits associated with owning a business. Additionally, I have a half-brother who is the epitome of the “black sheep” in my family. Ever since he was a teenager, he has had countless encounters with the law. This culminated in his most recent arrest that led to his imprisonment for five years. I reviewed the trial documents my father had obtained and was shocked at how little his attorney did for him. I know that people in my brother’s situation need a voice, no matter what they are accused of. A right to a fair trial is granted to all United States’ citizens, but not the right to a good attorney. This is either granted by money or mere luck. I naturally wanted to know everything about law, especially when it hit so close to home.

I’ve always been a sponge for knowledge and can memorize almost anything the first time I see or hear it. These skills will reflect well in law school and led me to maintain a strong grade point average throughout my college career. During my four years of college I’ve always maintained a steady job working twenty or more hours a week further demonstrating my work ethic and diligence to task.

My ultimate goal is to become a combative, gung ho prosecutor where I can use this role to cement my knowledge of crime so one day I can pursue an elected official position, enacting legislation to subdue crime in our community as the voice for people.
I feel strongly that I can put away the people causing fear and discourse, being a firsthand witness to crime. I’ve spent twenty-one years growing up in Baton Rouge and witnessed a rise in crime. I want to stand up to the rising crime and take the appropriate measures to reclaim our city. Obviously, decreasing the crime rate will be no easy task. However, in addition to my major in political science, I minored in sociology focusing specifically on criminology and criminal justice. I learned what motivates people to commit crimes. Most of these problems can be remedied.

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broad concerns of all humanity.” Through a greater knowledge of the law, an attorney is more privileged at this concern than the average citizen. I intend to fully use this privilege and focus on the concerns of my community.

I have always been goal-oriented, and it’ll be evident when I achieve my goal of being the first member of my family to graduate college in May. My next goal is quite evident; I wish to attend Louisiana State University’s Paul M. Hebert Law Center. I’m ready and look forward to learning all I can about law in the next three years. Just like when I made the decision to return to football practice, I’ll never quit and work vigorously until I graduate law school and move on to my next life goal.

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Last edited by bcranm58 on Wed Jan 18, 2012 11:32 am, edited 3 times in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critical Review or Commentary Needed

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jan 17, 2012 12:18 pm

Too wordy. Try to use crisp, clear sentences. Your essay lacks a well defined & consistent theme. Unconvincing & a touch confusing (e.g., you want to be both a criminal defense attorney & a gung-ho prosecutor). As a rough draft, this writing offers a couple of possible themes. Select one theme & develop it in a logical manner using concise sentences.

bcranm58
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:28 am

Re: Critical Review or Commentary Needed

Postby bcranm58 » Tue Jan 17, 2012 12:22 pm

Thanks - comments duly noted and I was worried about the wordiness. Will edit and repost.

bcranm58
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Jan 17, 2012 11:28 am

Re: Critical Review or Commentary Needed

Postby bcranm58 » Wed Jan 18, 2012 11:25 am

The initial draft is updated. I'd appreciate all feedback on the update. Thanks in advance.

nsbane
Posts: 163
Joined: Wed Jan 04, 2012 9:35 pm

Re: Critical Review or Commentary Needed

Postby nsbane » Wed Jan 18, 2012 11:52 am

You took a business law class. That is civil law. Then you state that you participated in a mock trial as a prosecutor. Prosecutors do not practice civil law. That is criminal law. You may want to clarify that the business law class also taught criminal law, or you may come across confused about the law, which is not good to do in a law school essay.

Unless Louisiana law is so different that I'm confused. You should double check on this.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Critical Review or Commentary Needed

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Jan 18, 2012 11:57 am

Louisiana is a civil law (Napoleonic Code) state, not a common law state (as are the other 49 states).




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