Personal Statment. This is my first draft. thoughts?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ks22
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:19 pm

Personal Statment. This is my first draft. thoughts?

Postby ks22 » Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:24 pm

updated personal statement: Any thoughts and critique is greatly appreciated. I love this website btw.

As I curiously glared at my office computer screen, with the CFO breathing down my back behind me, I was asking myself “why would this financial advisor sell $3.2 million of borrowed positions in his wife’s account, while the rest of his clients are buying?” Is he deceiving his clients? Does he have inside information? Is he creating commissions for himself in his own wives account?

These are the types of questions that I have to discover answers for on a daily basis. This is also the type of question that is drawing me into your school of law. The answers are always cloudy, but it is my job to make it clear. I communicate with the SEC, FINRA, NYSE and all regulatory law making bodies of the financial world on a daily basis. It is my duty to explore the reasoning behind financial advisors actions, and my findings will minimize the risk of our firm’s leveraged positions, or bring justice to mistreated clients.

As the second of six sons to a small rural town farmer and homemaker, my current career would not have been the choice for most with my upbringing. I was taught to work hard at a young age, and learned quickly that to become something I would have to earn it. When my fifth brother arrived, I was eleven years old living in a three bedroom one bath farm house for eight family members. My father and mother were quickly realizing that finding a way to make ends meet was becoming a difficult task.

This is the period of my life that I started seeing less of my father for an extended time due to his decision to give our family a better life. He spent his days on the farm, and evenings driving to the closest university every night, where he pursued his bachelor’s in Special Education and Masters in Educational Administration subsequently. When my father finally received his bachelor’s degree, he took a job 30 miles down the road. For two years, he drove to teach his class in Harrisburg IL, and then back to the farm where more labor awaited him. After those two years, he took our family to live in that town of 10,000 people. The town seemed big to us at the time because they had Wal-Mart, McDonalds and we didn’t have to drive 20 minutes to get a gallon of milk.

My father, now 60 years old, is Assistant Principal of that same high school and head varsity basketball coach. My mother now 59, received her Special Education degree two years ago, and is now a teacher at the high school as well. As one of six sons to now two educators, I can say I wouldn’t have changed a thing due to the learning experiences that were involved in the hard times that we endured as a family.

I always knew that I would attend a University, and I also knew that it would be up to me to find ways to finance it. I received a full-athletic/academic scholarship for basketball straight out of high school to attend my local college. After those two years were over, I then was left paying all expenses myself. While at my University I stumbled on my passion for the business world. I always had two jobs while at my University, and juggled internships in the period in the meantime. While in undergrad, I sometimes found myself interning for resume purposes during the day for no pay, waiting tables until one in the morning, and then going home to study for a test I had at eight in the am. Most would think two unpaid internships, a part-time job and 18 hours of school is too much for a 21 year old young man. I struggled to make ends meet while in college, due to lack of time and finances, but I am a better more intelligent man today because of these hardships.

I have been a financial advisor. I have been a portfolio manager. I have been a financial analyst. I have now found my purpose in this life, and I do it extremely well. Through my profession I know the loopholes in the financial industry, and the laws that need to be put into place to close these loopholes. I know how financial institutions think, and how to determine if there thinking is ethical. I work for the second largest financial institution in the world. I have a niche for communicating with brokers, and figuring out their real intentions. I aspire to become a lawyer to repair this broken financial industry that we currently live in, and to get the laws passed that would accomplish this goal. I have a passion for achieving this, and will excel in the top of my class at your school of law if given the opportunity.
Last edited by ks22 on Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ks22
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:19 pm

Re: Personal Statment. This is my first draft. thoughts?

Postby ks22 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 12:32 am

Please critique with any criticism, or help you all can give. Anything will be appreciated. Thanks all.

User avatar
jcm043
Posts: 66
Joined: Thu Oct 20, 2011 4:28 pm

Re: Personal Statment. This is my first draft. thoughts?

Postby jcm043 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 11:21 am

Well for starts, numbers one through nine are spelled out.

ks22
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:19 pm

Re: Personal Statment. This is my first draft. thoughts?

Postby ks22 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:03 pm

Woops. Thanks JCM043!

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statment. This is my first draft. thoughts?

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:10 pm

How many "wives" (consider "wife's") does he have ? Why is "Financial Advisor" in caps ? Were you taught "hard work" or "how to work hard" ?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Personal Statment. This is my first draft. thoughts?

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:16 pm

Overall, this is a poorly structured essay rife with errors. As is, your PS is too rough to edit beyond suggesting that you set out a theme in your initial paragraph & use the rest of the writing to develop that theme.

ks22
Posts: 18
Joined: Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:19 pm

Re: Personal Statment. This is my first draft. thoughts?

Postby ks22 » Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:39 pm

Thanks for all the pointers. I cleaned it up quite a bit so that it is easier to read. I fixed the grammatical errors that were mentioned. I havn't had to write papers in a couple of years. I communicate through phone calls, and poorly structured e-mails at work ha. Keep it coming though please!




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