PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
no debt please
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PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

Postby no debt please » Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:58 pm

*returns to drawing board*
Last edited by no debt please on Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:04 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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moneybagsphd
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Re: PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

Postby moneybagsphd » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:14 pm

no debt please wrote:From pre-Abrahammic to New Age religions and everything in between, I have incorporated many universal truths into my life. Central to many of them, and integral to my ability as a lawyer, is the separation of my ego from my true being. Not only do I have complete control of my emotions, but I take care to notice anytime my pesky brain tries to filter information. Though surely susceptible at some level, I am somewhat immune from the traps of group think, cognitive dissonance, normalcy bias, Hegelian dialect, and plain prejudice. I am very difficult to manipulate and see issues on their true merits. Just as relevant, I have found my true being to be the same as the one found in all people, however deeply buried it may be. This enables me to empathize far beyond anyone subconsciously clinging to their own identity.

This desperately needs to be re-written. It makes you sound arrogant.

no debt please
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Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:47 pm

Re: PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

Postby no debt please » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:23 pm

moneybagsphd wrote:
no debt please wrote:From pre-Abrahammic to New Age religions and everything in between, I have incorporated many universal truths into my life. Central to many of them, and integral to my ability as a lawyer, is the separation of my ego from my true being. Not only do I have complete control of my emotions, but I take care to notice anytime my pesky brain tries to filter information. Though surely susceptible at some level, I am somewhat immune from the traps of group think, cognitive dissonance, normalcy bias, Hegelian dialect, and plain prejudice. I am very difficult to manipulate and see issues on their true merits. Just as relevant, I have found my true being to be the same as the one found in all people, however deeply buried it may be. This enables me to empathize far beyond anyone subconsciously clinging to their own identity.

This desperately needs to be re-written. It makes you sound arrogant.

I really appreciate the tip. You are right. Does this read better?

From pre-Abrahammic to New Age religions and everything in between, I have incorporated many universal truths into my life. Central to many of them, and integral to my ability as a lawyer, is the separation of my ego from my true being. This has taught me to control my emotions and helped me notice the many times my pesky brain tries to filter information. Though still susceptible at some level, I am better able to avoid the traps of group think, cognitive dissonance, normalcy bias, Hegelian dialect, and plain prejudice. I have grown difficult to manipulate and can see issues on their true merits. Just as relevant, I have found my true being to be the same as the one found in all people, however deeply buried it may be. Through that comes the realization that we truly are all in this together, which in turn spawns an incredible ability empathize in all situations.

bmore
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Re: PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

Postby bmore » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:26 pm

:lol: Your first para sums up just about every PS I have read on TLS.

no debt please
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Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:47 pm

Re: PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

Postby no debt please » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:32 pm

bmore wrote::lol: Your first para sums up just about every PS I have read on TLS.


I've obviously spent too much time reading others. I guess I'm trying to start myself at the bar and go up from there. Does it work?

bmore
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Re: PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

Postby bmore » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:38 pm

I hope you didn't take it as an insult. I just thought, wouldn't it be great if this were the entire PS!

I'm not lovin it. The paras seem almost unrelated (to me).

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moneybagsphd
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Re: PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

Postby moneybagsphd » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:53 pm

no debt please wrote:I have incorporated many universal truths into my life from pre-Abrahammic to New Age religions and everything in between

no debt please wrote:Central to many of Principal among them, and integral to my ability as a lawyer, is the separation of my ego from my true being.

no debt please wrote:This has taught me to control my emotions and helped me notice the many times my pesky brain tries to filter information.

I understand what you mean here, but "filter information" is vague. What information are you filtering out?
no debt please wrote:Though still susceptible at some level, I am better able to avoid the traps of group think, cognitive dissonance, normalcy bias, Hegelian dialectic, and plain prejudice

Adcomms might only be passingly familiar with some of these terms.
no debt please wrote:I have grown difficult to manipulate and can see issues on their true merits.

To me at least, "true merits" sounds uncritical.

Much better. It might help to illustrate this methodology of overcoming certain flawed ways of thinking by example. An example might provide clarity for your readers, and make this PS much stronger.

no debt please
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Joined: Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:47 pm

Re: PS - growth, spirituality, & hippie stuff - pls comment

Postby no debt please » Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:04 pm

All points well taken doctor. I'm going to tinker with it for a while.




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