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PledgeGarcia
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:02 pm

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Postby PledgeGarcia » Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:37 am

EDIT to remove. Thanks to all who helped!
Last edited by PledgeGarcia on Sat Jan 14, 2012 3:18 pm, edited 7 times in total.

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sunynp
Posts: 1899
Joined: Tue May 24, 2011 2:06 pm

Re: Help! Unique family history in a PS

Postby sunynp » Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:57 am

This is good. You did a great job of explaining how your mother inspired you without losing the focus on yourself. Other people who are better editors than I will probably have comments, but I think this is a really strong draft.

I don't think you need to add anything about your sister. Keep the focus on you.

bmore
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Help! Unique family history in a PS

Postby bmore » Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:06 am

And I think it is a little too much about your mom. The parts about you are very moving (and important) but don't really communicate why you would be a good law student.

As for the writing, it needs just a little work. For example " gravity of the situation. “There’s been an accident,” he said before adding a grave qualification" .
All the descriptions of your moms distress. One would do.

Anyway, you have an amazing family and best of luck to you.

PledgeGarcia
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:02 pm

Re: Help! Unique family history in a PS

Postby PledgeGarcia » Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:38 am

I appreciate the responses thus far.

While I am able to recognize it is heavy on my mom's story, I feel like it is necessary in order to express how I decided to go to law school. However I can see where I need to add more about her story's effect on me. Perhaps I can add more to the last paragraph, with a little more introspection.

Any other comments and edits are VERY welcomed and appreciated. I am really trying to wrap this up and submit applications by the weekend, as crazy as that might sound.

Thanks!

berkeleykel06
Posts: 292
Joined: Thu Mar 11, 2010 3:39 am

Re: Help! Unique family history in a PS

Postby berkeleykel06 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:42 am

I thought the first paragraph was absolutely great. For me the weakest part was the second paragraph, which I'd suggest shortening a bit. And I know conventional wisdom is not to go on at length about someone other than yourself in your PS, but I didn't mind all of the stuff about your mom because it was so interesting. I mean, you may want to consider cutting some of it if possible, but I wouldn't do it if you feel it compromises the quality.

bmore
Posts: 302
Joined: Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Help! Unique family history in a PS

Postby bmore » Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:53 am

PledgeGarcia wrote:I appreciate the responses thus far.

While I am able to recognize it is heavy on my mom's story, I feel like it is necessary in order to express how I decided to go to law school. However I can see where I need to add more about her story's effect on me. Perhaps I can add more to the last paragraph, with a little more introspection.

Any other comments and edits are VERY welcomed and appreciated. I am really trying to wrap this up and submit applications by the weekend, as crazy as that might sound.

Thanks!


That's what I meant. Her story is necessary but it is your emotions, reaction, etc that are important. Be more a little more factual/cut and dry with mom and more expansive about yourself. They want to know what would make you a good law student at their school.

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rinkrat19
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Help! Unique family history in a PS

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:24 pm

Good story. The language could use some tightening up.

Example: So as my sisters and I returned home one February afternoon to discover a teary-eyed version of our mother painfully uttering, “there’s been an accident,” I struggled to make sense of the apparent role reversal. With just two weeks until my ninth birthday, never before had I seen my mom display such raw emotion, such unmitigated distress.

you didn't walk into a room and discover your mother uttering anything. That kind of implies she was sitting there repeating it over and over, not waiting for you to get home to tell you something. (Also, I kind of hate the word "uttering." Like "seemingly," it is way overused in mediocre writing.)

Consider: One afternoon in February, my sisters and I came home from school and found our mother in tears. She told us there had been "an accident." I was not quite nine years old, and I had never seen my mother in such distress. Suddenly the roles were reversed and I had to become the comforter of my parent.

PledgeGarcia
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Dec 11, 2011 11:02 pm

Re: Help! Surviving my father's suicide PS (EDITED)

Postby PledgeGarcia » Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:34 pm

Also, is this the type of story/PS that could help with reach schools? I scored lower than I'd have liked on the LSAT, but my GPA is still around the median for nearly all top-20's and most T14's




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