250 Essay Critique

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dutchtrader
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250 Essay Critique

Postby dutchtrader » Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:55 pm

So new to the forums. Can anybody please critique my 250 essay.

I sat at the kitchen table watching the three-quarters inch head of white foam rise to the edge of the glass. Placing my nose near the frothy work of art, I breathed in deeply the smell of hops and citrus additives. After my nostrils had their fill, I took a sip in order to gauge the quality of the brew. What my taste buds registered was an excellently brewed craft pale ale. Suffice it to say I proceeded to enjoy myself.

I'm not sure when I became a self-appointed beer snob, but I can say that I am one today. I don't settle for just any beer when I choose to drink. The beer I drink must be complex in taste, refreshing to my senses, and flavorful to my picky palate. Quality is the word, not quantity. When I drink a stout , I demand that the malt has been roasted until robust. When I drink a pale ale, hops and citrus additives better not be lacking. Popular beers these days typically offer little in terms of taste, and instead offer low-carbohydrate and tasteless charlatans. I respond to these commercial imitators by shunning the aisles in which they reside, and remain loyal to the true faith of quality craft beer.

My feelings toward craft beer is simply a microcosm of my attitudes towards living life in general. I believe in experiencing the good things in this world that have substance, quality, and complexity. Quantity and surface beauty simply won't do.

Jante05
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby Jante05 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:56 pm

is this a LS PS?
Please review PS samples I think it will make a world of diff.
viewtopic.php?f=18&t=4353
then re-post

dutchtrader
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby dutchtrader » Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:29 am

This is for Yale's 250 essay.

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bernaldiaz
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby bernaldiaz » Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:02 am

Meh. I see potential but you sort of come off as a jaded elitist.

dutchtrader
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby dutchtrader » Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:04 am

bernaldiaz wrote:Meh. I see potential but you sort of come off as a jaded elitist.


I'm trying to employ humor. Is there anything you would recommend?

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paratactical
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby paratactical » Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:07 am

I would recommend trying to get a little more specific. Maybe some serious beer names or something? I mean, as it stands, you don't have any hints to me that make me go "oh yeah, that guy *is* a beer snob". I think it would be easier to be more humorous if you were willing to get a little specific/anecdotal here.

Jante05 wrote:is this a LS PS?
Please review PS samples I think it will make a world of diff.
viewtopic.php?f=18&t=4353
then re-post


Please stop giving people advice.

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bernaldiaz
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby bernaldiaz » Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:18 am

dutchtrader wrote:
bernaldiaz wrote:Meh. I see potential but you sort of come off as a jaded elitist.


I'm trying to employ humor. Is there anything you would recommend?


Hmm. Honestly, I didn't get much humor from my read of it. I like the idea and I think you have laid the ground work for an effective piece. Like para said, I think specifics would really help. If you're going to claim your a beer snob, sound like a beer snob! Where you were talking about the hops and the citrus additives was the closest you came to this.

"Popular beers these days typically offer little in terms of taste, and instead offer low-carbohydrate and tasteless charlatans. I respond to these commercial imitators by shunning the aisles in which they reside, and remain loyal to the true faith of quality craft beer."

This is the part I don't like. Maybe because you say "popular" beers and "commercial" imitators. To me I feel like that alienates the reader. You don't want to give the impression that you're a pompous hipster. I realize that the whole point of the essay is wrapped into this point, so obviously you're walking a tight line here.

Also, I think a bit of the phraseology is a bit colloquial for a 250 essay.

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bernaldiaz
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby bernaldiaz » Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:42 am

Here's a suggestion for what I think would be a more effective way to use your idea.

Put the essay into the present tense. Pick a situation, whether you are at a bar or a family party, etc. As you're narrating the story describe the specific qualities of the drinks/beers of people you are with and what it says about them. I think this will give you a great chance to sound like an expert on beer (which will make you interesting), but also give you a great chance to use that humor that you wanted to incorporate. End it by talking about the beer you're drinking, what quality it has, what that says about you/ law school.

Just an idea.

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inthebeginning
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby inthebeginning » Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:50 am

My feelings toward craft beer is simply a microcosm of my attitudes towards living life in general. I believe in experiencing the good things in this world that have substance, quality, and complexity. Quantity and surface beauty simply won't do.[/quote]

dutchtrader
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby dutchtrader » Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:49 am

Hmm. Thanks very much for the good advice. I'll try and re-post an edited copy later.

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Blessedassurance
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby Blessedassurance » Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:02 am

Suffice it to say I proceeded to enjoy myself


You should either rephrase this sentence or cut it out completely. It's cliched on two levels. You're stating the obvious in a trite manner.

Quality is the word, not quantity


Delete this.

If you delete both sentences, you should have enough space left to make a sentence of 15 words or less. I suspect there's more you wanted to say but couldn't get in due to space.

susancollins
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

Postby susancollins » Tue Mar 27, 2012 2:44 am

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071816
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Re: 250 Essay Critique

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