Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Wodin
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Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 11:51 pm

Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby Wodin » Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:45 am

Deleted. Thanks all for the help!
Last edited by Wodin on Wed Feb 01, 2012 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 12:15 pm

Extremely superficial, as if written by a much younger person. No insight into your personality. No detail to "show" the reader things, just "telling."

Wodin
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Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby Wodin » Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:32 pm

Thank you for the advice. I'll try to re-write some of it to show more of my personality. I never realized I'd have such a hard time writing about myself.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby rinkrat19 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:42 pm

A little more advice, hopefully more helpful:

Don't start off with a sentence stating your topic thesis ("I learned stuff from my mom"). If you're just going to tell me that right off the bat, why should I continue reading the rest of it?

Start off with an anecdote from a specific incident (it can be something small) and what you did/how you felt in that situation, either bad or good. Then mention her condition, which explains the incident (so the reader first wonders "why is this woman locking her kids in the house?" and then figures it out.) Use the incident to illustrate a larger point, which is that you learned to speak for her and support her--but transfer that to something else even bigger, like wanting to be an advocate for other people as a lawyer, or experiences supporting other people in school or volunteer work or something. You need to make it not JUST about you supporting your mom.

bmore
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Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby bmore » Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:56 pm

Father??? Did I miss it? Too much about your mom and not enough about why you would make a good law student. But I am impressed by your story.

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dietcoke0
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Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby dietcoke0 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:29 pm

Good story, but too much about your mom. They want to know about you. I want to hear how you've changed, or are different. Some examples other than you are the big boy in the family.

Wodin
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Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby Wodin » Fri Jan 13, 2012 2:19 pm

Thank you all for your advice. It is very helpful.

I'm working on incorporating an anecdote as my first sentence. I see what you mean about leading the reader to the main topic. I'll also focus more on myself. My dad left when I was 10, I suppose I could mention him in the story since the reader will wonder where he was.

Wodin
Posts: 10
Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 11:51 pm

Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby Wodin » Wed Jan 18, 2012 7:39 pm

Deleted. Thanks all for the help!
Last edited by Wodin on Wed Feb 01, 2012 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Moriarty
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Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby Moriarty » Wed Jan 18, 2012 8:06 pm

Definitely getting better. Rinkrat's right--make sure to include as much as you can about you. Also, try to avoid generic statements (e.g. "granted me a unique perspective..."), mostly because you're showing that through your words.

Ah, and don't forget to watch "your" vs. "you're" and general punctuation issues.

Good luck!

Wodin
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Joined: Thu Jun 16, 2011 11:51 pm

Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby Wodin » Thu Jan 19, 2012 11:39 pm

Thank you Moriarty. I changed the things you pointed out. Add more about myself.. That seems to be the advice I'm getting most often, I'll see what else I can add. Again, Thank you for your help!

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rinkrat19
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Re: Personal Statment Draft - Please Critique

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Jan 20, 2012 12:47 am

You're still beginning with a statement of your topic. Either your essay will effectively communicate that topic (in which case you don't need to state it right off the bat), or it won't (in which case it's just a bad essay). Either way, stating your thesis first thing makes me wonder why I should keep reading if I already know your main point.




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