Beauty Queen's personal statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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sunynp
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby sunynp » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:46 pm

kmh504 wrote:
Master Tofu wrote:
Critics and colleagues in my profession have embarked on a seemingly impossible wait for Superman. They are waiting on Superman because they have failed to recognize the Superwoman passing through their halls and lurking in their classrooms. She flies across the city of New York with the speed of a 10-car subway train so that children may inherit her most sought after power - knowledge. Her super strength allows her to compensate for schools characterized as under-funded and over-sized by extending her workday without pay. This power is so great, she is able to spend thousands of dollars to buy her own school supplies and still remain above the poverty line. Her impeccable vision allows her to see the potential that exists in all her students, compelling her to become a public advocate on their behalf. The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning. Its presence crushes her spirits, cripples her will and challenges her faith.



Don't refer to yourself in the third-person. It's unbearable.


Bear it baby ;)

Wow, now i know where the arrogance comes from in the essay - it actually reflects who you are as a person. You had some great and specific advice that could have made this amazing. Now I'm sorry I even read the thing. So, good luck with all your future endeavors.

Hopefully you have the numbers so that your personal statement isn't important. But, like I said, this could have really been good.

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moneybagsphd
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby moneybagsphd » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:50 pm

Transferthrowaway wrote:
moneybagsphd wrote:
Transferthrowaway wrote:Your use of the word "dichotomy" here is dubious.

Dubious is an overly-charitable word such a bungling misuse of "dichotomy". It's a solecism.

I was trying to be kind :(

You succeeded. Congrats on being a good person : :D.
I think OP needs someone to be blunt with her. You play good cop, I'll play bad cop.

nsbane
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby nsbane » Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:02 am

*edit*
Last edited by nsbane on Sat Mar 24, 2012 12:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

nsbane
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby nsbane » Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:14 am

*edit*
Last edited by nsbane on Sat Mar 24, 2012 12:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:22 am

nsbane wrote:*edit* since it seems like you have already heard back from a school (American, right?), I'm guessing you have already sent out your applications and you didn't really post this essay to hear criticism.


No, actually I did - unlike most, I actually have written two other personal statements. This is my third because its going to schools that have specific education law interests :)

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:24 am

nsbane wrote:Beauty Queen,

I honestly feel you have a great experience that would come across better in an essay. I rearranged your essay's structure as I advised, with minimal changes for transitions. A few comments

1) With my edits, the essay runs a little over 2 pages. You can add anecodotes and cut out some unnecessary lines to make it tighter and cleaner.. You can use powerful anecdotes to give the reader an image of how challenging your classroom experience was. Also, I suggest you use anecdotes of how you tried to reach parents who didn't speak english.

2) In your conclusion, you should think of a better way to tie in to the very beginning. Essays that have a line or two that tie into the opening paragraph are very powerful; they give the reader a sense of unity. You can definitely cut down your conclusion to half it's size.

3) One edit - i removed "scathing" email. It doesn't sound good to bash a former employer in a job interview or a essay. No matter how much in the right you are. I rewrote it so it's more subtle, but your point comes across.

Here is the edited essay:


“You need to get it right, or you’ll be transferred.” I don’t remember the rest of what she said – the entire walk from my principal’s office to the subway was a blur. But there I was later that night, sitting on the subway crying. Crying until my head hurt.

I knew that things weren’t perfect in my classroom. By most measures, it was a disaster. In fact, that’s why I approached my principal for support. You see, I wasn’t just teaching any students. My students either lay somewhere on the Autusm spectrum or were severely emotionally disturbed. While practicing sight words with one student, another was throwing himself on the floor. While teaching a group of students how to hold a pencil, another student was throwing chairs across the room. (INSERT MORE DESCRIPTIVE ANECDOTES, AS WELL AS THE CHILDREN’S AGES. ANECDOTES ARE GOLD AND MAKE YOUR EXPERIENCES REAL. YOU HAVE A LOT OF SPACE FOR THEM).

Not only were my students challenging, but I was a first-year teacher, fresh from college. The day after graduation, I moved from a small town in Illinois to New York City in order to begin a teaching fellowship. Over eight short weeks, I was taught the basics of special education law and was trained in the methods for teaching students with Autism. Eight weeks was enough to learn Development Education theory, but perhaps not long enough to know what to do when David is rocking in the corner and screaming at the top of his lungs (INSERT OTHER ANECDOTE).

To make things worse, I was only provided one of three required paraprofessionals for my classroom due to budget cuts. Teaching a student with Autism goes beyond reading and writing. It must also address their deficits in life skills and communication. I was not prepared to undertake the role of occupational and speech therapist, but somehow I found myself wearing both hats. All of this was weighing on my mind when I came to my principal for help. But none was coming. And the tears came.

It was just so frustrating that I couldn’t be the teacher my students deserved. Those lonely moments in that subway car was the first time I realized that I was solely responsible for my students’ education, the only one who could fight for the resources they needed.

At that moment, a woman sitting next to me said, “Crying ain’t gonna change nothing but your mood.” And with that, something inside me changed. She was right; crying wasn’t going to give my students more opportunities. I resolved to do something, anything, to fight for my students.

I reached out to the Department of Education’s Autism office for extra in-class training and support. I submitted a report (ANECDOTAL IS NOT A NOUN) every day documenting evidence of the continued need for support services in my classroom. After creating an extensive paper trail, my principal became aware of my reports and was less than pleased. She felt it was the parent’s responsibility to fight for resources that were already federally mandated.

I persevered. If the principal wanted the parents to request the services, then I was going to let the parents know what they had a right to. This was a challenge in itself - I could barely secure Open House attendance. Many of my parents worked three or more jobs and some were recent immigrants who could barely speak English. But I knew I had to find a way to go directly to the parents.

Over the period of a few weeks, I made after-work house visits at my students’ homes to explain to parents how they could request services for their children. I even helped draft some of the letters for those who couldn’t write. When the Annual Review meetings came, I had perfect parent attendance. Seeing my parents mobilize in this way motivated me to continue my hard work and advocate on their behalf.

My commitment to my students didn’t end at 2:30 in the afternoon with the school bell. I became more involved with Autism Speaks and educational policy initiatives in general. I helped organize our school team for the Autism Walk and raised over 1,000 dollars for the cause. Being a public figure as Miss [my state pageant title here ] has allowed me to also serve as a celebrity advocate for the [my state]-area Autism Speaks organization. I am also working with the Autism Alliance and other Autism-related organizations. I believe no one should have to wait on services, Superwoman, or their own individual rights. In suit, cape, or crown, I am a change agent for students with Autism and the education field. I now want to be a change agent in the field of education law and continue my advocacy.

I aspire to represent students and families who feel they have not been given due process within the education system or who feel their civil rights have been violated due to their disabilities. It is my hope that I will one day serve as an attorney for my agency, the Department of Education, due to my desire to see our school system represented fairly, and most importantly, to ensure that our students receive the services and treatment that they deserve. A law degree combined with the educational practice I’ve received in my graduate program, will equip me with the tools needed to address the education needs and challenges that exist within our school system.


Your are a doll nsbane! Exactly the type of constructive feedback I've been looking for. *besos*

kmh504
Posts: 141
Joined: Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:02 pm

Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 1:02 pm

*REVISION*

“You need to get it right, or you’ll be transferred.” I don’t remember the rest of what she said – the entire walk from my principal’s office to the subway was a blur. But there I was later that night, sitting on the subway crying. Crying until my head hurt. I knew that things weren’t perfect in my classroom. By most measures, it was a disaster. In fact, that’s why I approached my principal for support. You see, I wasn’t just teaching any students. My students either lay somewhere on the Autism spectrum or were severely emotionally disturbed. While practicing sight words with one student, another was throwing himself on the floor. While teaching a group of students how to hold a pencil, another student was throwing chairs across the room. On my worst day, I left school clutching a chunk of my hair that had been violently pulled from my scalp. My arm was bruised and bloody from the bite of a six-year-old because I asked him to raise his hand. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was really teaching or going into battle.
Not only were my students challenging, but I was a first-year teacher, fresh from college. The day after graduation, I moved from a small town in Illinois to New York City in order to begin a teaching fellowship. Over eight short weeks, I was taught the basics of special education law and was trained in the methods for teaching students with Autism. Eight weeks was enough to learn Development Education theory, but perhaps not long enough to know what to do when David is rocking in the corner and screaming at the top of his lungs. To make things worse, I was only provided one of three required paraprofessionals for my classroom due to budget cuts and a long list of school supplies that needed to be purchased out of my own budget.
Teaching a student with Autism goes beyond reading and writing. It must also address their deficits in life skills and communication. I was not prepared to undertake the role of occupational and speech therapist, but somehow I found myself wearing both hats. All of this was weighing on my mind when I came to my principal for help. But none was coming. And the tears came. It was just so frustrating that I couldn’t be the teacher my students deserved. Those lonely moments in that subway car were the first time I realized that I was solely responsible for my students’ education, the only one who could fight for the resources they needed. At that moment, a woman sitting next to me said, “Crying ain’t gonna change nothing but your mood.” And with that, something inside me changed. She was right; crying wasn’t going to give my students more opportunities. I resolved to do something, anything, to fight for my students.
I reached out to the Department of Education’s Autism office for extra in-class training and support. I submitted a report every day documenting evidence of the continued need for support services in my classroom. After creating an extensive paper trail, my principal became aware of my reports and was less than pleased. She felt it was the parent’s responsibility to fight for resources that were already federally mandated. I persevered. If the principal wanted the parents to request the services, then I was going to let the parents know what they had a right to. This was a challenge in itself - I could barely secure Open House attendance. Many of my parents worked three or more jobs and some were recent immigrants who could barely speak English. But I knew I had to find a way to go directly to the parents.
Over the period of a few weeks, I made after-work house visits at my students’ homes to explain to parents how they could request services for their children. I even helped draft some of the letters for those who couldn’t write. While visiting David’s house, I began to understand his screams and cries. He was the middle child of seven in a two-bedroom, dilapidated Bronx apartment. His mother passed away, so his 16-year-old sister raised him when his father was not home. His father works 18 hours per day. I was surprised David’s father sacrificed his lunch period three times in one week to meet with me, but this seemed like his last cry for help. I was almost brought to tears when he asked if I could not only help him write the letter but also write his name. His struggle and unconditional love for his child was not the exception, but rather the norm for all the parents I visited. In our education system, some of the individuals most in need are the ones less likely to receive it because they don’t know how to fight. I didn’t know much about the education system at the time myself, but I was ready to step in the ring on their behalf. When the Annual Review meetings came, I had perfect parent attendance. The look of surprise on my principal’s face as five parents crowded her office ready with questions was priceless and encouraging. Seeing my students ‘parents mobilize in this way motivated me to continue my hard work and advocate on their behalf.
I aspire to represent students and families who feel they have not been given due process within the education system or who feel their civil rights have been violated due to their disabilities. It is my hope that I will one day serve as an attorney for my agency, the Department of Education, due to my desire to see our school system represented fairly, and most importantly, to ensure that our students receive the services and treatment that they deserve. A law degree combined with the educational practice I’ve received in my graduate program, will equip me with the tools needed to address the education needs and challenges that exist within our school system.
My principal was right after all, I was “transferred out.” My school’s administration moved me to the main site for the current school year where I serve as a mentor to first-year teachers and help assist in Autism trainings. My commitment to my students doesn’t end at 2:30 in the afternoon with the school bell. I have become more involved with Autism Speaks and educational policy initiatives in general. I helped organize our school team for the Autism Walk and raised over 1,000 dollars for the cause. Being a public figure as Miss Black Arkansas has allowed me to also serve as a celebrity advocate for the Arkansas-area Autism Speaks organization. I am also working with the Autism Alliance and other Autism-related organizations. I am a change agent for students with Autism and the education field. I now want to be a change agent in the field of education law and continue my advocacy.

thederangedwang
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:37 pm

kmh504 wrote:Your are a doll nsbane! Exactly the type of constructive feedback I've been looking for. *besos*

:roll:

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:43 pm

:roll:


Is that an eye roll? Or are you looking at God and smiling :)

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rinkrat19
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:53 pm

kmh504 wrote:
:roll:


Is that an eye roll? Or are you looking at God and smiling :)
I'm guessing it's an eyeroll at your implication that no one else gave you constructive advice. You got a metric shit-ton of constructive advice; you just didn't like it.

062914123
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby 062914123 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:58 pm

.
Last edited by 062914123 on Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:56 pm

bee wrote:
kmh504 wrote:
:roll:


Is that an eye roll? Or are you looking at God and smiling :)


I lol'd.

You got a metric shit-ton of constructive advice; you just didn't like it.


Annnd this. If you don't want to listen, then don't, but please don't make it seem like we all arbitrarily decided not to help you out when you asked for our opinions... and then we gave them.


lol hey hey now - my posts are negative-free zones. Relax. I don't consider "that's crap. take it out" as constructive my love. I am thankful for all who gave actual suggestions for improvement.

thederangedwang
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:07 pm

kmh504 wrote:lol hey hey now - my posts are negative-free zones. Relax. I don't consider "that's crap. take it out" as constructive my love. I am thankful for all who gave actual suggestions for improvement.


Your superwoman reference to the movie had a 0%...I repeat 0% success rate. NO ONE...I repeat, NO ONE got the reference without you explicitly mentioning it...and even after you mentioned it, it still was confusing and deserved to be omitted.

In my book, 0%=crap.

If you want to get hung up by pleasantries, ignore our advice. But in my book, "take this crap out" is equal to "My dear madame, this reference that you used is not very effective. May I humbly suggest that you omit this?"

Btw, referring to people as "my love" is a good way to piss people off.

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:12 pm

thederangedwang wrote:
kmh504 wrote:lol hey hey now - my posts are negative-free zones. Relax. I don't consider "that's crap. take it out" as constructive my love. I am thankful for all who gave actual suggestions for improvement.


Your superwoman reference to the movie had a 0%...I repeat 0% success rate. NO ONE...I repeat, NO ONE got the reference without you explicitly mentioning it...and even after you mentioned it, it still was confusing and deserved to be omitted.

In my book, 0%=crap.

If you want to get hung up by pleasantries, ignore our advice. But in my book, "take this crap out" is equal to "My dear madame, this reference that you used is not very effective. May I humbly suggest that you omit this?"

Btw, referring to people as "my love" is a good way to piss people off.


Thanks for the 2 cents. God bless :)

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moneybagsphd
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby moneybagsphd » Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:20 pm

kmh504 wrote:lol hey hey now - my posts are negative-free zones. Relax. I don't consider "that's crap. take it out" as constructive my love. I am thankful for all who gave actual suggestions for improvement.

Here's some constructive criticism: you've chosen an acceptable topic, but your composition is slipshod. You sound sub-literate.

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sunynp
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby sunynp » Wed Jan 11, 2012 10:30 pm

Changed my mind. Don't care about op .
Last edited by sunynp on Thu Jan 12, 2012 5:38 am, edited 1 time in total.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:11 pm

thederangedwang wrote:
kmh504 wrote:lol hey hey now - my posts are negative-free zones. Relax. I don't consider "that's crap. take it out" as constructive my love. I am thankful for all who gave actual suggestions for improvement.


Your superwoman reference to the movie had a 0%...I repeat 0% success rate. NO ONE...I repeat, NO ONE got the reference without you explicitly mentioning it...and even after you mentioned it, it still was confusing and deserved to be omitted.

In my book, 0%=crap.

If you want to get hung up by pleasantries, ignore our advice. But in my book, "take this crap out" is equal to "My dear madame, this reference that you used is not very effective. May I humbly suggest that you omit this?"

Btw, referring to people as "my love" is a good way to piss people off.
Also, I don't remember anyone actually using the word "crap." I know I said something like "heavy-handed." Frankly, the Superwoman thing was crap, but I was trying to be nice.

Master Tofu
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby Master Tofu » Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:12 am

To be fair, you didn't want constructive feedback; you wanted constructive revision. All said and done, I'll say I do like your sunny disposition.

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:15 am

Master Tofu wrote:To be fair, you didn't want constructive feedback; you wanted constructive revision. All said and done, I'll say I do like your sunny disposition.


I guess you are right. I've swaped statements with other law school hopefuls elsewhere, and it is really helpful to get those revisions because they vary greatly from person to person. And thanks love, hope your cycle is is turning out beautifully :) God bless!

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:17 am

.
Last edited by kmh504 on Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:17 am

sunynp wrote:Well, it is possible to read this as a story of a spoiled ill-prepared person who expects her boss and co- workers to pick up the slack for her. After all, she is gracing these unfortunate people with her presence. Does she need to be competent as well? After alienating her boss and being threatened with termination she goes home and cries. Fear of being fired for incompetence alerts her to the fact she needs to do her job properly- get support herself and work within the system. She also decides to go outside her comfort zone and visit the parents at their houses - something she finds makes her an extraordinary person.

Tl;dr unprepared teacher expects to be carried, cries when she doesn't get her way and finally figures it out before being fired for incompetence.


:) Thank you for your opinion!




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