Beauty Queen's personal statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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emkay625
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby emkay625 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:45 am

We get the connection between superwoman and waiting for superman.

It still comes off as very arrogant.

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Lincoln
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby Lincoln » Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:55 am

Work on your writing style. Try to avoid passive voice, don't use too many commas, and avoid overly long sentences. Otherwise good topic.

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kwais
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kwais » Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:56 am

I like this PS, but I would add one piece of advice that I think others have missed. Lose the superwoman stuff.

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 4:55 pm

ay dios mio...so many superwoman haters. It's splitting because everyone else who has reviewed this outside of TLS likes it. I'm not arrogant, just confident. There are many superwomen in the education field, and I am just one of them....was the point I was intending to make :)

side bar: Acceptance at American today!! wooo hoo :)

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Flips88
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby Flips88 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 5:17 pm

kmh504 wrote:ay dios mio...so many superwoman haters. It's splitting because everyone else who has reviewed this outside of TLS likes it. I'm not arrogant, just confident. There are many superwomen in the education field, and I am just one of them....was the point I was intending to make :)

side bar: Acceptance at American today!! wooo hoo :)

it's not arrogant/confident. It's just pretty contrived and cliche. It's interchangeable with Wonder Woman, Batman, any super hero. It's silly. Sure there's the whole "Waiting for Superman" connection, but not every admission officer will get that. The PS won't matter at places where your numbers are fine, but if you're on the fence, I don't see this PS helping you because some people will find it hard to get past the first paragraph

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rinkrat19
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 5:20 pm

kmh504 wrote:everyone else who has reviewed this outside of TLS likes it.
How many of those people don't have a personal connection (friends, family, coworkers) to you? How many have been through the law school admissions process? How many of them, honestly, are good enough writers to be able to give you an educated, unbiased opinion?

You're too emotionally attached to the Superwoman thing. It's an interesting idea for a theme, but as written it is not well-executed and fairly off-putting.

062914123
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby 062914123 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 5:29 pm

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Last edited by 062914123 on Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hooma
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby hooma » Mon Jan 09, 2012 5:30 pm

I'm going to disagree with everyone else on here - I didn't totally hate the Superhero thing but think that it needs to be reworked to not sound so gimmicky. I would say something like "everyone is waiting for Superman, but they don't see the super women and men getting shit done 'round here." You're a regular, yet in this way exceptional, person.

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rinkrat19
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby rinkrat19 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 5:41 pm

hooma wrote:I'm going to disagree with everyone else on here - I didn't totally hate the Superhero thing but think that it needs to be reworked to not sound so gimmicky. I would say something like "everyone is waiting for Superman, but they don't see the super women and men getting shit done 'round here." You're a regular, yet in this way exceptional, person.
OP, this would be a better approach. Make the reference to Waiting for Superman much more obvious (don't assume everyone's seen it), and don't sound so smug and self-congratulatory. Don't actually call yourself Superwoman, but show how teachers like you have been getting things done without Superman showing up.

delusional
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby delusional » Mon Jan 09, 2012 7:55 pm

kmh504 wrote:ay dios mio...so many superwoman haters. It's splitting because everyone else who has reviewed this outside of TLS likes it. I'm not arrogant, just confident. There are many superwomen in the education field, and I am just one of them....was the point I was intending to make :)

side bar: Acceptance at American today!! wooo hoo :)
People off of TLS think that there are lots of good law schools and the main thing is to find one that fits your personality. People on TLS are jerks, but they're usually right.

acrossthelake
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby acrossthelake » Mon Jan 09, 2012 8:02 pm

I've never seen waiting for Superman and thus this personal statement made absolutely no sense to me. As someone who hasn't seen it--and you should never assume that someone has watched a movie/read a certain book in your personal statement--you end up coming off really poorly. I get the point you're trying to make later, but it doesn't show up at all in the statement to someone who hasn't watched it. I think the point that you want to go be a lawyer to advocate for autistic kids is great. Move that up. Emphasize that. The odds that you randomly get an admissions officer who doesn't get the reference are decently high and the results could be disastrous. Your choice, but if I were an admissions officer I'd ding (since you wouldn't get the chance to explain it to me later).

If you want to keep it, you need to rewrite this, because it's poorly executed.

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rftdd888
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby rftdd888 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 8:43 pm

lots of people didn't even see that movie.

i'd lose the superwoman bit. everything everyone has said about it so far has been true. you're emotionally attached to a bad idea. the other people who read the PS outside of TLS and liked it were your family and friends, right? they don't know anything about law school admissions. everyone who has posted in this thread is more knowledgeable about law school admissions and personal statements than your friends and family.

not trying to be mean here but you're really attached to something that will probably turn off the majority of people who ever read it.

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NYC Law
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby NYC Law » Mon Jan 09, 2012 8:51 pm

tbf I think I compared myself to Thomas Jefferson in my PS and it didn't affect my cycle one damn bit.

I'm not even certain people read these things. They just do a quick check to make sure you're literate.

delusional
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby delusional » Mon Jan 09, 2012 9:10 pm

NYC Law wrote:tbf I think I compared myself to Thomas Jefferson in my PS and it didn't affect my cycle one damn bit.

I'm not even certain people read these things. They just do a quick check to make sure you're literate.
Hey, me too, in a diversity statement! It may have resulted in a longer wait to get in.

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NYC Law
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby NYC Law » Mon Jan 09, 2012 9:14 pm

delusional wrote:
NYC Law wrote:tbf I think I compared myself to Thomas Jefferson in my PS and it didn't affect my cycle one damn bit.

I'm not even certain people read these things. They just do a quick check to make sure you're literate.
Hey, me too, in a diversity statement! It may have resulted in a longer wait to get in.


I went with Benjamin Franklin for the diversity statement.

Jante05
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby Jante05 » Tue Jan 10, 2012 12:15 am

referring to yourself as superwoman turned me off :?: , maybe swap it for another term and don't go with ubermensch
and +100 on 6. for tying it back to how this exp affected your decision in pursuing a law degree

nsbane wrote:"anecdotal" is not a noun.

Also I would rearrange the essay structure so it begins in media res:

1) Your principal observes you. Says you need to change or ship out. That night you're crying on the subway.
2) Some background why you are frustrated. You're not just teaching any students - you're teaching autistic students. students with serious behavior problems. You had no preparation for this. You trained to teach kids math. Not to stop Johnny from throwing chairs at Susan, and how to keep David from rocking in a corner. (here is where you put illustrative anecdotes to make your experience real to the reader).
3) Background - how did you get to be a teacher and in this situation.
4) Back on the subway. woman tells you crying isn't going to solve anything.
5) You resolve to do the best you can, despite your lack of training. Describe the proactive measures you took.
6) Wrap it up by relating how your experience leads you to want to study law. Some how you tie this conclusion to the very beginning, so the reader feels it comes "full circle."

thederangedwang
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby thederangedwang » Tue Jan 10, 2012 1:43 am

Look, there has been a lot of posts here and a lot of info directed towards you, so let me summarize.

You have two options

1) Get rid of the superwoman analogy

2) redo the analogy so that it's much clearer that it is referencing the movie, not the superherione


DO NOT KEEP IT THE WAY IT IS...I beg of you.

Master Tofu
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby Master Tofu » Tue Jan 10, 2012 2:34 am

Critics and colleagues in my profession have embarked on a seemingly impossible wait for Superman. They are waiting on Superman because they have failed to recognize the Superwoman passing through their halls and lurking in their classrooms. She flies across the city of New York with the speed of a 10-car subway train so that children may inherit her most sought after power - knowledge. Her super strength allows her to compensate for schools characterized as under-funded and over-sized by extending her workday without pay. This power is so great, she is able to spend thousands of dollars to buy her own school supplies and still remain above the poverty line. Her impeccable vision allows her to see the potential that exists in all her students, compelling her to become a public advocate on their behalf. The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning. Its presence crushes her spirits, cripples her will and challenges her faith.



Don't refer to yourself in the third-person. It's unbearable.

kmh504
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby kmh504 » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:22 pm

Master Tofu wrote:
Critics and colleagues in my profession have embarked on a seemingly impossible wait for Superman. They are waiting on Superman because they have failed to recognize the Superwoman passing through their halls and lurking in their classrooms. She flies across the city of New York with the speed of a 10-car subway train so that children may inherit her most sought after power - knowledge. Her super strength allows her to compensate for schools characterized as under-funded and over-sized by extending her workday without pay. This power is so great, she is able to spend thousands of dollars to buy her own school supplies and still remain above the poverty line. Her impeccable vision allows her to see the potential that exists in all her students, compelling her to become a public advocate on their behalf. The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning. Its presence crushes her spirits, cripples her will and challenges her faith.



Don't refer to yourself in the third-person. It's unbearable.


Bear it baby ;)

Transferthrowaway
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby Transferthrowaway » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:36 pm

kmh504 wrote:
Master Tofu wrote:
The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning.


Despite the fact that you seem to actually take very little of the advice you're given:

Your use of the word "dichotomy" here is dubious.

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moneybagsphd
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby moneybagsphd » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:40 pm

kmh504 wrote:
Master Tofu wrote:
Critics and colleagues in my profession have embarked on a seemingly impossible wait for Superman. They are waiting on Superman because they have failed to recognize the Superwoman passing through their halls and lurking in their classrooms. She flies across the city of New York with the speed of a 10-car subway train so that children may inherit her most sought after power - knowledge. Her super strength allows her to compensate for schools characterized as under-funded and over-sized by extending her workday without pay. This power is so great, she is able to spend thousands of dollars to buy her own school supplies and still remain above the poverty line. Her impeccable vision allows her to see the potential that exists in all her students, compelling her to become a public advocate on their behalf. The only ‘kryptonite’ known to Superwoman is the dichotomy of ignorance in an institution of learning. Its presence crushes her spirits, cripples her will and challenges her faith.



Don't refer to yourself in the third-person. It's unbearable.


Bear it baby ;)

Fuck it. Keep the superwoman shit (yes, it is "shit"), ignore everyone's advise, submit it as is. I wish you the best of luck.

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moneybagsphd
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby moneybagsphd » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:42 pm

Transferthrowaway wrote:Your use of the word "dichotomy" here is dubious.

Dubious is an overly-charitable word such a bungling misuse of "dichotomy". It's a solecism.
Last edited by moneybagsphd on Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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IAFG
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby IAFG » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:43 pm

All I heard: I was a great teacher but I couldn't hack it emotionally so now I have some vague and underdeveloped idea to be an education lawyer.

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YankeeFan2
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby YankeeFan2 » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:44 pm

This is a good start -- just need to make some revisions.
Last edited by YankeeFan2 on Wed Jan 11, 2012 2:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Transferthrowaway
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Re: Beauty Queen's personal statement

Postby Transferthrowaway » Tue Jan 10, 2012 11:45 pm

moneybagsphd wrote:
Transferthrowaway wrote:Your use of the word "dichotomy" here is dubious.

Dubious is an overly-charitable word such a bungling misuse of "dichotomy". It's a solecism.

I was trying to be kind :(




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