I really need YOUR opinion... yes you!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
richalvarez
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2011 7:53 pm

I really need YOUR opinion... yes you!

Postby richalvarez » Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:15 pm

This is my opening paragraph and I wanted some feedback before I go any further......

"April 8, 2009, the day I was born, figuratively speaking. The aforementioned day is my son’s birthday, a day that would shape my life and bring meaning to an otherwise meaningless existence. You see, to tell you that any other event in my life has been as influential and life altering would be the epitome of an understatement. It is through this beautiful creature’s eyes that I discovered beauty and happiness in a world that had all but passed me by; what was once a wayward soul found refuge in a child’s love. For like many of my peers, I too faced great adversity—yet, mine was self-inflicted—though I initially lacked the purpose needed to battle my demons. Fatherhood has so far proved to be my most rewarding, challenging endeavor. In addition, it has energized my beliefs and instilled a new compassion for my community, one that serves as the foundation for an unequivocal passion for tax law."


See I was hoping to use this as an attention grabber, and then I would go into a brief background about how I over came such things as substance abuse, being a single parent in college, and working full-time (self-employed). I would use him as a motivational force and talk up my drive and purpose, showing that I'm too driven to fail. I'd also tie in the community thing about how most my clients at work are low-income Hispanics who don't speak much English and would otherwise be at a disadvantage tax wise. How most of them can't afford to pay me and the satisfaction I get out of giving back to my community and connecting with my culture, and tax law degree would provide me the tools to see this through and transform myself into a proud member of society.

Please be harsh and brutally honest, should I expand on this or find a new topic?

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Lincoln
Posts: 1029
Joined: Tue Nov 03, 2009 11:27 pm

Re: I really need YOUR opinion... yes you!

Postby Lincoln » Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:20 pm

You had me until tax law. Everything else seems honest, but I doubt even a tax professor would buy that last sentence. Besides, there really is no need to get specific about what kind of law you want to do. Most applicants don't, and that's fine.

Also, tone down the formality of your language a bit.

richalvarez
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2011 7:53 pm

Re: I really need YOUR opinion... yes you!

Postby richalvarez » Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:24 pm

Lincoln wrote:You had me until tax law. Everything else seems honest, but I doubt even a tax professor would buy that last sentence. Besides, there really is no need to get specific about what kind of law you want to do. Most applicants don't, and that's fine.

Also, tone down the formality of your language a bit.


Thank you Lincoln! Funny thing is I am that passionate about tax law, I'm a 3rd generation accountant (mother, grandfather, and uncle are as well).

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Lincoln
Posts: 1029
Joined: Tue Nov 03, 2009 11:27 pm

Re: I really need YOUR opinion... yes you!

Postby Lincoln » Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:26 pm

That's fine, but the jump from your love for your son to tax law just seems contrived. Write about one or the other.

richalvarez
Posts: 63
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2011 7:53 pm

Re: I really need YOUR opinion... yes you!

Postby richalvarez » Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:29 pm

Got it. Thanks again.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: I really need YOUR opinion... yes you!

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Jan 06, 2012 9:27 pm

This is a bad idea. And the way you present it is sappy and overly dramatic. Not to mention grammatically incorrect.

JasonR
Posts: 421
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: I really need YOUR opinion... yes you!

Postby JasonR » Sat Jan 07, 2012 1:53 am

You see, to tell you that any other event in my life has been as influential and life altering would be the epitome of an understatement.


This doesn't make sense.




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