PS critiques welcomed and needed. Revised- Please read.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Sesi329
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 8:57 pm

PS critiques welcomed and needed. Revised- Please read.

Postby Sesi329 » Fri Jan 06, 2012 6:16 pm

Revised Check below
Last edited by Sesi329 on Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: PS critiques welcomed and needed.

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Jan 06, 2012 6:23 pm

Cut this in half and start with the quote, "I didn't blow myself up! I got blown up!"

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hdivschool
Posts: 92
Joined: Mon Nov 01, 2010 2:41 pm

Re: PS critiques welcomed and needed.

Postby hdivschool » Fri Jan 06, 2012 6:33 pm

The connection between the fireworks accident and your desire to go to law school is unclear.
You should consider moving some of your comments on Chaldean culture to a diversity statement, particularly your second paragraph. Or clarify their relationship to your desire to attend law school.
One of the keys to a good personal statement is to show and not tell; get to the point quicker. Take out comments like "I didn't know my major." You should ask yourself about each sentence, "Why is this in my personal statement?" Why do you mention that you decided on adding an econ major but still wanted to take difficult classes in other fields? Isn't that on your transcript?
Take out language like "I could not have been more delighted" and "I immediately knew Michigan was the school for me" because it's hyperbolic and fawning.

Sesi329
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 8:57 pm

Re: PS critiques welcomed and needed.

Postby Sesi329 » Sat Jan 07, 2012 4:02 pm

Great advice! thank you! I've implemented many of things you said above. Anything else?

Sesi329
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 8:57 pm

Re: PS critiques welcomed and needed. Revised- Please read.

Postby Sesi329 » Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:34 pm

edit
Last edited by Sesi329 on Mon Apr 23, 2012 5:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JasonR
Posts: 421
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: PS critiques welcomed and needed. Revised- Please read.

Postby JasonR » Mon Jan 09, 2012 2:35 am

Way too long.

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Duramax80
Posts: 134
Joined: Fri Dec 16, 2011 4:34 pm

Re: PS critiques welcomed and needed. Revised- Please read.

Postby Duramax80 » Mon Jan 09, 2012 11:18 pm

Sesi329 wrote: On the 15th day, they finally told me that they saved me eyesight;


You sound like a pirate.

Other than the spelling and grammatical errors, its too long.




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