Final Version PS - Need Critique ASAP

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Final Version PS - Need Critique ASAP

Postby khendel » Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:36 pm

Down For Editing.
Last edited by khendel on Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Final Version PS - Need Critique ASAP

Postby postn0bills » Sat Jan 07, 2012 7:26 pm

I don't mind the topic, but I think this needs to be better written. The first paragraph's language is sophomoric and there are grammatical errors throughout, words are used incorrectly, and there are vague, meaningless sentences. In general, your statement could be more succinctly and thus effectively written.

In addition, I think you need to use more examples illustrating your point instead of just talking about them. in the first paragraph, for example, you can open with the way a song sounded to you in the moment you first heard it and what that specific song meant to you to illustrate your point.

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Re: Final Version PS - Need Critique ASAP

Postby flyingduck » Thu Oct 18, 2012 3:44 pm

The first two paragraphs can be written much more succinctly. For example, you can eliminate, "Listening to lyrics that said the things I was afraid to say gave me comfort and hope." And this, "Figuring this out showed me how beneficial music can be." The sentence before that already implies how beneficial music can be. The conclusion could use a bit of work also.

Last bumped by khendel on Thu Oct 18, 2012 3:44 pm.

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