Re-write of PS..please critique!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Re-write of PS..please critique!

Postby arose86 » Fri Jan 06, 2012 10:05 am

I learned my best friend and older sister Alyssa had Down Syndrome when I was seven years old. Discovering something was “wrong” with my sister was life altering. Our relationship changed immediately. Even at that young age, I stopped thinking of Alyssa as my buddy and instead started seeing her as someone who needed my care and attention. I remember being obsessed with how she was perceived by others. Just one sideways glance put me on the defensive. As I grew up, I learned there were occasions to be her protector, but it was equally important to be her advocate. By proactively seeking to have Alyssa included in activities previously thought to be inappropriate for her - from church youth group retreats to summer sleep away camp, I was able to show my friends, classmates, and the world around us that Alyssa was capable of so much more than they had expected. I had both the joy and satisfaction of knowing I had expanded Alyssa’s world with these experiences and in so doing had improved the public perception of those with Down Syndrome on a local level.
At Lafayette, I took advantage of opportunities to remain involved in community outreach programs and grow my own set of experiences in this area. I became heavily involved and later held a role on the Executive Board of the Alternative School Break (ASB) organization which promotes volunteerism by coordinating service trips to disadvantaged communities both domestically and internationally. During my four years, I had the opportunity to travel to South Carolina and Honduras, among other places. The experiences I had with ASB enabled me to see there are many segments of our population in need of defenders and advocates.

One particularly memorable trip was to Nashville, Tennessee where our team facilitated the immigration process for a community of Somalian refugees. It was truly inspiring to share the first weeks of their new lives in the US. Admittedly, some of my responsibilities were mundane – helping them navigate the public transportation system, for instance. I also, however, guided them through several transformational elements of new residents such as applying for social security numbers, beginning the naturalization process, and completing job and credit applications. Though the situations were quite different, I couldn’t help but see the similarities between these families and my sister. Both the refugees and Alyssa are seeking to overcome their past struggles and challenges by becoming active, productive members of our society and through this, they believe they will find joy and fulfillment in their lives. I believe that by having stronger and ongoing support networks and uncomplicated access to legal representation we, as a society, can make it possible for under-represented groups to achieve their goals, and better our world in the process.

In my experience, I have seen there is strength in numbers. And where there are few in number, there is often less influence. Certainly that was the case for a small number of Somalians in the middle of Tennessee. As their population grows and flourishes, however, they will be in a position to advocate for themselves. So I wonder, what is to come of those disadvantaged groups whose constituencies may dwindle in the future? It has occurred to me that the number of children born with Down Syndrome is likely to decline as a result of medical advancements in genetic testing. What will be the repercussions of fewer Alyssa’s born into this world for those who remain? I want to be involved at a local level ensuring that as their needs change they are proactively represented, either through promoting of new legislation or litigation.

The collection of experiences I’ve had as a proponent for those less privileged has led me to seek even more avenues by which I can be impactful in peoples’ lives. I believe as an attorney working in the field of [per school’s programs] I can continue to support and actively advocate for those who are presently under-represented. As a student at [SCHOOL], I intend to seek out opportunities in public service through the Legal Aid Society [AND OTHERS?]. These activities, layered onto a comprehensive legal curriculum will enable me to secure a role as a public service attorney working to protect the rights of the disadvantaged.

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Re: Re-write of PS..please critique!

Postby icecold3000 » Fri Jan 06, 2012 5:28 pm

The comparison between your sister with down syndrome and Somalian refugees is terrible.

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Re: Re-write of PS..please critique!

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Jan 06, 2012 5:54 pm

All of the things you did for the Somalis were mundane, but that does not mean they were not significant to you and the Somalis. The two are not opposite. Get rid of the contrasting construction.

I am not sure why you mention your sister. IMO, you are trying for sympathy or a weak attempt to show you have empathy. You must do better than this.

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