Rewritten PS

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ugobabe86
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Rewritten PS

Postby ugobabe86 » Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:13 am

REWRITE
This is my rewrite of my PS I hope it's a lot better. I would appreciate any feedback. I'm going to tailor it to the schools I'm applying to.

The hunger was killing me and I was despair to eat something soon, we had to wait until all the noted guests were present. It was the S.C. Fast-a-Thon and I signed up to take part in the fast for just one day. Taking a sip of water and making small talk with my cousins who had accompanied me to the dinner, I noticed a small child with a smile that just lit up the room. Her name was Salee and she had lost both her legs to an American missile attack in addition to losing her brother and a cousin, we were gathered there to hear her story and about the plight of hundreds of thousands of Iraqi children like her.

I was raised in Nigeria amid religious, ethnic and tribal divisions. Rampant corrupt oozed from every pore of the community I was raised; the children suffered most. Used as pawns for criminals to bargain for ransom or used as objects for all manners of abuse. I witnessed many abuses against children and lost playmates to kidnapping. Hearing her story made the war a reality for me, despite all she had been through, her smile remained. That event eclipsed of all my university education which had only relayed figures and facts. I was motivated to take action because violent conflicts have consequences and Salee was an example of it.

I was motivated to take action, to be constructive. I wanted to be actively engaged; I found this as a court appointed advocate. As an advocate I worked for children dealing with abuse and neglect, working hand in hand with social workers and the system. Through my advocacy I had the opportunity to dive into problems and find ways to help the children; through counseling or simply through one on one conversation. Meeting children caught in the middle of their parents’ poor decisions placed me in a position of great intimacy with them; this intimacy pushed me to work harder for their well-being.

Whether getting together with teachers to provide more assistance in their education or talking with counselors about emotional and psychological issues the children have been dealing with for years. Through my work as an advocate another issue came to my attention, the issue of poverty among minorities and how it has played a role in the lives of children. The cases I handled involved one parent working a minimum wage job and surviving on their children’s social security checks; one parent in particular stealing those checks for personal use.

I found in the children a new light that came on when it became clear that they had a say in how their lives were to be affected. There is such honesty in working for the children, because their lives are dependent on doing the best work for them, I also understood the implications of failing to represent their interests to the best of my abilities .That knowledge has affirmed my decision to fight for their rights as the right one. The lesson that I learned along the way is that everyone deserves a voice, to have their wellbeing heard.

Through this I have gained an understanding that just representing a cause goes beyond mere advocacy rather it’s about seeing what lays beneath the surface. That is what has steered me towards law school, where I hope to go beyond the courtroom and become a voice that can effectively spark a change in the way children’s rights are implemented because the rights of children is a measure of human rights in civilization.

I hope to translate all the education I will gain into actions with international organizations with a focus on human rights and policies and the enforcement of those policies.



Thank You. :)

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ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Re: Rewritten PS

Postby ugobabe86 » Fri Jan 06, 2012 9:36 am

I would really appreciate any feedback good or bad. Thank You.

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ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Re: Rewritten PS

Postby ugobabe86 » Fri Jan 06, 2012 11:19 pm

I would like some help.

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rinkrat19
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Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Rewritten PS

Postby rinkrat19 » Fri Jan 06, 2012 11:32 pm

You have a good story that is, for the most part, well-expressed, but there are numerous errors in grammar and syntax. These obviously stem from the fact that you aren't a native English-speaker, but they need to be addressed before you submit it. Are you in undergrad now? I would suggest taking this to your school's writing center, or asking a friend who is a good writer to do a line-by-line edit.

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ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Re: Rewritten PS

Postby ugobabe86 » Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:07 am

@rinkrat19 Thank you for your help. If you have time to help with editing I would appreciate it. :D




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