Please review my personal statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Waterbull06
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:10 pm

Please review my personal statement

Postby Waterbull06 » Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:39 pm

I took it down and would probably have to write something else.
Last edited by Waterbull06 on Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Please review my personal statement

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:43 pm

this is highly inappropriate

Waterbull06
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: Please review my personal statement

Postby Waterbull06 » Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:45 pm

Can you be specific?

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Please review my personal statement

Postby thederangedwang » Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:02 pm

to be honest, I don't know where to start, it's a whole host of issues and problems....

just the overall topic...well there isnt one. Your ideas are all over this and it turns out to be a page of rambling nonsense about your love for your wife. There is no direction or unifying idea at all.

Secondly, this is an essay for a professional school. Your essay reads like a diary entry. The language is incredibly casual and teenager-ish

My wife and I were college sweethearts and we met when we were both playing basketball for our College. We have never been separated for more than few weeks ever since. I quit my first job when she went to graduate school for her master degree in biochemistry in Shanghai and then quit my second job when she came to U.S. for her PhD study at University of Wisconsin-Madison all because I wanted her to be successful and we wanted to be together. After I graduated from Edgewood College (in Madison) with my MBA degree in accounting and an overall GPA of 3.9 when she was a PhD student at UW, I got my first full-time job as the controller of a company in Milwaukee and passed all my CPA exams there. Although I really liked the job and it offered me great potential, but eventually I resigned, took a salary cut, and found my last job as a treasury analyst for a manufacturing company in Madison because my wife changed her career and was getting her MBA at UW in Madison instead of finding a job in Milwaukee as we originally planned. Finally, she found her dream job in Minneapolis after she graduated from UW. At the mean time, I was able to persuade my employer to work remotely from home so I could take care of our new born baby and be with my family all the time.


This entire paragraph is the worst of the worst of your PS. Nobody cares you two were college sweethearts and is inappropriate to bring it up in this context. This paragraph talks more about your wife more than you.

Essentially, your PS is one long, way too personal, rambling mess with no clear message why you want to go to law other than juvenile reasons like

I have been to the Law School Library many time and studied there. I really liked the atmosphere there and was motivated by students working so hard


We are also deeply involved in the community and have established strong friendships here.




And just this sentence totally throws me off

Our daughter is in her toddler age now and she needs my love just as I need hers everyday.


I mean seriously, be more professional.

Sorry for harsh criticisms or for sounding like an a-hole, but I really felt this PS to be really ridiculous

Waterbull06
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jan 05, 2012 2:10 pm

Re: Please review my personal statement

Postby Waterbull06 » Thu Jan 05, 2012 3:13 pm

Thanks for your comments! I really appreciate it.




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