Need a critique of my PS, anyone.. First Cut PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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DoctorLaw
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2010 4:20 pm

Need a critique of my PS, anyone.. First Cut PS

Postby DoctorLaw » Tue Jan 03, 2012 10:33 pm

Thank you, for feedback.
Last edited by DoctorLaw on Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JasonR
Posts: 421
Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: Need a critique of my PS, anyone.. First Cut PS

Postby JasonR » Wed Jan 04, 2012 12:25 am

Definitely way too long. I'm not sure a suicide attempt is something you want to highlight for the adcomms, even if it led to fundamental and positive life changes. It's a risky approach.

As far as your current version is concerned, you could eliminate the fifth paragraph entirely. There are plenty of other sentences that aren't adding anything. Honestly, the grammar and usage issues throughout are pretty serious, and most people here don't really have the time or inclination to edit a PS in this condition from start to finish. Do you know any native English speakers with good writing/editing skills who would be willing to work your PS over (whether it's this version or an entirely different one)?

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DoctorLaw
Posts: 126
Joined: Sat Oct 02, 2010 4:20 pm

Re: Need a critique of my PS, anyone.. First Cut PS

Postby DoctorLaw » Wed Jan 04, 2012 2:39 am

JasonR wrote:Definitely way too long. I'm not sure a suicide attempt is something you want to highlight for the adcomms, even if it led to fundamental and positive life changes. It's a risky approach.

As far as your current version is concerned, you could eliminate the fifth paragraph entirely. There are plenty of other sentences that aren't adding anything. Honestly, the grammar and usage issues throughout are pretty serious, and most people here don't really have the time or inclination to edit a PS in this condition from start to finish. Do you know any native English speakers with good writing/editing skills who would be willing to work your PS over (whether it's this version or an entirely different one)?


thanks for the insight bro, but If I take out the suicidal portion which was a major turning point in my life.. I really don't know what else I can really say...

I haven't written anything in almost a year, I have been out of college for a year and also I am not a native speaker.. Hopefully one of my friends can edit it for me.. Yea I really need to cut out alot of things..

thanks for reading it.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Need a critique of my PS, anyone.. First Cut PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Jan 04, 2012 11:18 am

I agree with JasonR's comments above. As written, this personal statement is likely to harm your chances for admission to law school because some may worry that the pressures of law school may overwhelm you.




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