PS Rough Draft - Critique Needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
khendel
Posts: 7
Joined: Fri Dec 23, 2011 11:52 am

PS Rough Draft - Critique Needed

Postby khendel » Tue Jan 03, 2012 12:12 pm

Hey everyone, I am needing some feedback on my essay. Thanks so much!


Down for revisions.
Last edited by khendel on Fri Jan 06, 2012 1:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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TommyK
Posts: 1309
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:08 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft - Critique Needed

Postby TommyK » Tue Jan 03, 2012 12:26 pm

It is a bit to casual for my tastes and it seems a bit meandering. I would try to condense it a bit more. Go through it, and strike out the sentences that don't add much.

Specific comments:
end of 6th paragraph - incorrect use of a semicolon.
I think removing 2nd person references would be a good step
I would remove the 7th paragraph entirely
drop the quote at the beginning
The ending is a bit weak

I distilled the following points from your PS, which I think would be relevant to discuss in your next PS. Make sure you cover these, and I think the next PS will be more focused and impactful:
Family are a bunch of drunks, found comfort in music. Music became a central theme in your life and you felt pulled to be involved in the music production community. Alas, you're not musically gifted. Took soft IP course in college and had a eureka moment that your skills - analytical abilities, etc - have found a useful outlet for your passion - music. You could help protect and encourage music development. You could be as instrumental (no pun) as the musicians, producers, marketers, etc. With this intended goal, you're looking to go to law school and chose xx law school to apply to because of their selection of soft IP courses.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: PS Rough Draft - Critique Needed

Postby kublaikahn » Tue Jan 03, 2012 5:48 pm

This is written far too informally and poorly. Did you listen to music or just play it? Your understanding of IP is rather incoherent and vague. Not sure how old you are but someone under say 25 should never talk about "the years rolling by."

Start over.




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