Any & All Feedback Greatly Appreciated - PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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tfcorso
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Dec 22, 2011 6:38 pm

Any & All Feedback Greatly Appreciated - PS

Postby tfcorso » Fri Dec 30, 2011 11:15 pm

Thank you for your feedback! -
Last edited by tfcorso on Mon Jan 02, 2012 12:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

lats19nys
Posts: 94
Joined: Thu Nov 10, 2011 3:26 pm

Re: Any & All Feedback Greatly Appreciated - PS

Postby lats19nys » Fri Dec 30, 2011 11:57 pm

I get that you're trying to use the valedictorian story to demonstrate how important education is and what a sacrifice your parents made for you in your pursuit of it. (it also makes you seem if anything like a jerk for wanting such a dumb title that has nothing to do with learning itself.) However, I think your essay would be stronger without it. It just wastes space in my opinion. Overall, the essay is too long and I think the way you tie in the legal stuff towards the end feels rushed and forced. It's a little wordy too. Hmm. I'll post more thoughts if I stop watching college football.




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