Personal Statement. Thoughts? Thanks!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
arose86
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:00 pm

Personal Statement. Thoughts? Thanks!

Postby arose86 » Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:05 pm

Since I was seven years old I have been driven to defend and protect the underdog. Throughout my secondary and collegiate years I took part in various volunteer activities that could further this drive. It was not till after I graduated college and matured that I realized these goals could be best accomplished through a career in the legal profession.

When I was only seven years old I learned that my older sister Alyssa has Down Syndrome. To be told that there is something wrong with your sister, and best friend is life altering, even at such a young age I knew that our relationship would far from the ordinary. Alyssa was no longer my partner in crime and my great friend always willing to play, now she was someone to be defended and fostered. As I grew up I became obsessed with how others perceived her and even one suspicious look at her had me on the defensive. I also wanted to make Alyssa the best that she could be. If I learned something in school that I thought could benefit her I thought about the best way to teach it to her and I was determined to help her get it right…………….

While in college, I stayed involved in helping people like my sister by joining Best Buddies and mentoring a mentally-challenged teenage boy. However, it was my involvement on the executive board of Alternative School Break Club that gave me opportunity to see that there are many different groups of people that are in need of advocates.

I traveled to Nashville during a college winter break to facilitate the emigration process for a group of Somalian refugees. It was an inspiring experience to share with them the first weeks of their new lives in the US. While some of my responsibilities were mundane – helping them navigate public transportation, for instance, I also guided them through some of the most transformational elements as new residents such as applying for social security numbers, beginning the naturalization process, and completing job and credit applications. The similarities between these families I was helping and my sister were apparent. These families in particular desperately wanted to leave their horrific struggles behind and become active members of our society. They needed programs put in place to achieve these goals, and more, they need people to continually advocate for them beyond the transition process.

As this segment of the population grows the need for representation will only increase. On the other hand, as the population of children with Down Syndrome declines due to medical innovation, I question what the repercussions will be. As there are fewer Alyssa’s born into this world, what support will there be for the Alyssa’s that are left? I hope to explore questions like these from a legal perspective. I intend to be the support for the underrepresented whether it be families of children with special needs or ordinary families finding themselves in need of a champion for their rights.

There will always be groups of society that need protection and support. My experiences volunteering in college, joined with the knowledge I gained growing up with a disabled sister made me realize that the law can help people from all different backgrounds because the law is not meant to help the very poor or the very rich. Anyone can find himself in need of a legal advocate with the perseverance and compassion to make a real difference in their life. Even though I come from a middle to upper class family, that did not stop Alyssa from needing representation when my mother struggled to get her accepted into the public school system.

My goal to become an attorney stems from a collection of experiences championing the rights of those less fortunate and less able to represent their own best interests. I will continue to seek out opportunities in public service and ____ as a student at Law School. I was pleased to see the students are involved in organizations such as _____ and ______ in which I would plan to take an active role. These opportunities layered onto a comprehensive legal curriculum will enable me to secure a role where I can work in a legal fashion to promote the rights and well being of New York’s less fortunate groups.

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inthebeginning
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Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2011 3:34 am

Re: Personal Statement. Thoughts? Thanks!

Postby inthebeginning » Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:37 pm

Hey. I like your personal statement because it tells a good story that seems genuine. I noticed a couple things:

Paragraph 1: You leave your sister out of the introduction. Isn't protecting your sister the impetus that motivated much of your volunteer work? I think it would read better if you explicitly linked the two in the opening paragraph.

After Paragraph 2- Maybe say what decided to join best buddies (experience with sister?). Also, you should add a sentence or two on that experience. Otherwise I'm not sure it makes sense to introduce that experience and not talk about it.

Paragraph 5- I sort of think this should be eliminated. "as the population of children with down syndrome declined due to medical innovation"- I'm sure this is very important, but I'm not sure what you mean by medical innovation? gene selection or something? seems like a can of worms.

Also don't think you should bring in two student organizations on the last paragraph, or use phrase "legal fashion".

arose86
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:00 pm

Re: Personal Statement. Thoughts? Thanks!

Postby arose86 » Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:44 pm

Thanks for your comments.
I completely agree with you about the first paragraph; my sister should probably be included.

In terms of paragraph 5, what im trying to say is that as people are able to find out early enough that their child will be born with down syndrome and terminate, or we are able to erase the entire genetic mutation that causes it to begin with, that there will be less people looking out for their interests because they will be such a small segment of the population.
i would really like to keep it, i just need to work on the paragraph and the ideas associated with it.

Thanks!

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pkrtbx
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Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 11:11 am

Re: Personal Statement. Thoughts? Thanks!

Postby pkrtbx » Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:46 pm

arose86 wrote:Since I was seven years old I have been driven to defended and protect (redundant) the underdog. Throughout During my secondary and collegiate years I took part in various volunteer activities that could further this drive volunteered extensively in order to develop that commitment. It was not till after I graduated college and matured that I realized these goals could be best accomplished through a career in the legal profession.



I started but I have to run, so here's what I'd do with the first bit (and also introduce your sister in the intro like someone else said), will go through the rest if I get a chance later. I would probably also do something with the last sentence, it seems clunky

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FratLaw
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Joined: Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:51 pm

Re: Personal Statement. Thoughts? Thanks!

Postby FratLaw » Fri Dec 30, 2011 3:50 pm

@inthebeginning

I am soooo stealing your avatar.

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inthebeginning
Posts: 90
Joined: Tue Dec 27, 2011 3:34 am

Re: Personal Statement. Thoughts? Thanks!

Postby inthebeginning » Fri Dec 30, 2011 4:22 pm

i run feldstein

JasonR
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Joined: Fri Jan 01, 2010 9:09 am

Re: Personal Statement. Thoughts? Thanks!

Postby JasonR » Sat Dec 31, 2011 1:32 am

I traveled to Nashville during a college winter break to facilitate the emigration process for a group of Somalian refugees.


You helped them with the immigration process, not the emigration process. To help with emigration, you would have to have been volunteering in Somalia.




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