Critique Please and Honest Opinions

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ugobabe86
Posts: 57
Joined: Sun Jun 21, 2009 5:31 pm

Critique Please and Honest Opinions

Postby ugobabe86 » Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:24 am

Thank You


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Last edited by ugobabe86 on Thu Jan 05, 2012 4:55 am, edited 2 times in total.

NightmanCometh
Posts: 100
Joined: Thu Jul 21, 2011 9:03 pm

Re: Critique Please and Honest Opinions

Postby NightmanCometh » Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:44 am

I don't see any glaring weaknesses here, but here are some thoughts:

-Too much focus on the hand-raising. This seems to have been superfluously included for dramatic effect, but was that day really THAT monumental? Seems like you should focus on the actual project/activity you undertook to raise the money for the Afghan children and how that affected you.

-Toward the middle and end it sounds a bit cliche and naive- for example "law is used for tangible solutions to insurmountable situations". Although your intentions are probably legit, it seems like you are putting on the whole "I want to go to law school to save the world" and you sound somewhat starry-eyed. To make it more convincing, I would delve into more details on your work as an advocate. You say you "found how the law is used for tangible solutions", but you never described how. Was there a specific case in which the law was instrumental in solving problems of the children?

In general it's not bad but I would definitely provide more concrete examples to back up your larger "law being used for helping the world" attitude. Hope that helps-

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Critique Please and Honest Opinions

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:43 pm

Write in complete sentences and get rid of the inappropriate use of semicolons.




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