Please critique my DUI addendum....

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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BarcaCrossesTheAlps
Posts: 408
Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 11:43 am

Please critique my DUI addendum....

Postby BarcaCrossesTheAlps » Fri Dec 30, 2011 1:51 am

Hey, guys. I would appreciate your honest critique of my DUI addendum. I know it needs work, but I can't seem to find the right balance of humility and event description. I was told by my law advisor not to make a huge descriptive analysis, to just give the essentials and write how sorry I am.

Anyway, your advice is much appreciated, whether grammatically, structurally, or otherwise... it is a bit messy. Thanks.


In December of 2009, I was arrested for drunk driving in the state of Mississippi and, after pleading guilty, was convicted of DUI. I would like to briefly survey the events of that night for the admissions committee. At the end of the 2009 Fall semester, members of my school’s Philosophy Club decided to meet at a local steak house to speak about our present activities and future ambitions. During the course of our dinner together, I partook of alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately, I made the decision to drive home after the club meeting was over. I was pulled over, tested, arrested, and jailed for two days, as is mandatory in the state.
The decision I made to drive under those conditions remains the worst of my life. I am very grateful to the policemen who intervened; not only did the police act to protect the public, they protected me from my own actions. I can only imagine what could have happened that night if I was able to carry on operating my vehicle under those circumstances. Thankfully, no person was injured.
My decision to drive while intoxicated maintains an incredible hold over my everyday existence. It is important to me that the admissions committee understand I recognize the damage my actions could have done. I would like to stress that in no way do I regard my DUI as an unimportant blemish on an otherwise clean criminal record. While I hope the committee views my arrest as an anomaly of character, please know that I realize the seriousness of driving under the influence of alcohol.
The decision making process of every applicant is made even more important by the fact we intend to practice our jobs in settings demanding the expression of an ethical and moral conduct representative of our society. In driving under the influence, I understand and wholly admit to the fact that I betrayed a sacred social contract. I continue to be ashamed of this betrayal, however, I also desire to carry my shame into the future in a positive manner. Being granted the ability to practice law would allow me the privilege of paying dues beyond fines and time served.

lats19nys
Posts: 94
Joined: Thu Nov 10, 2011 3:26 pm

Re: Please critique my DUI addendum....

Postby lats19nys » Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:00 am

BarcaCrossesTheAlps wrote:Hey, guys. I would appreciate your honest critique of my DUI addendum. I know it needs work, but I can't seem to find the right balance of humility and event description. I was told by my law advisor not to make a huge descriptive analysis, to just give the essentials and write how sorry I am.

Anyway, your advice is much appreciated, whether grammatically, structurally, or otherwise... it is a bit messy. Thanks.


In December of 2009, I was arrested for drunk driving in the state of Mississippi and, after pleading guilty, was convicted of DUI. I would like to briefly survey the events of that night for the admissions committee. At the end of the 2009 Fall semester, members of my school’s Philosophy Club decided to meet at a local steak house to speak about our present activities and future ambitions. During the course of our dinner together, I partook of alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately, I made the decision to drive home after the club meeting was over. I was pulled over, tested, arrested, and jailed for two days, as is mandatory in the state.
The decision I made to drive under those conditions remains the worst of my life. I am very grateful to the policemen who intervened; not only did the police act to protect the public, they protected me from my own actions. I can only imagine what could have happened that night if I was able to carry on operating my vehicle under those circumstances. Thankfully, no person was injured.
My decision to drive while intoxicated maintains an incredible hold over my everyday existence. It is important to me that the admissions committee understand I recognize the damage my actions could have done. I would like to stress that in no way do I regard my DUI as an unimportant blemish on an otherwise clean criminal record. While I hope the committee views my arrest as an anomaly of character, please know that I realize the seriousness of driving under the influence of alcohol.
The decision making process of every applicant is made even more important by the fact we intend to practice our jobs in settings demanding the expression of an ethical and moral conduct representative of our society. In driving under the influence, I understand and wholly admit to the fact that I betrayed a sacred social contract. I continue to be ashamed of this betrayal, however, I also desire to carry my shame into the future in a positive manner. Being granted the ability to practice law would allow me the privilege of paying dues beyond fines and time served.


your advisor is right. you really need to just stick to the facts. Saying things like "I partook of alcoholic beverages" and talking about what a joy police officers are to society really make the whole thing sound like a bunch of bs. Simple and more to the point is going to be the key. All the other stuff just makes it sound disingenuous.
also, just make it specific to you. you don't need to talk about all other applicants and your relation to them. the key is they believe you are contrite.

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ADks
Posts: 49
Joined: Wed Sep 21, 2011 1:46 pm

Re: Please critique my DUI addendum....

Postby ADks » Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:13 am

Way too much mush after the first paragraph.

Facts + I made a lapse in judgement + I have learned from the incident.

anonymous124
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Dec 06, 2011 7:33 am

Re: Please critique my DUI addendum....

Postby anonymous124 » Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:14 am

I had to write one of these also for a dismissed DUI. This sounds kind of awkward as did mine at first. I cut mine down to three or four sentences per advice on this forum and my attorney confirmed the one I ended up using was the best approach.

This could work:
In December of 2009 I was arrested for drunk driving in the state of Mississippi. I plead guilty and was convicted of DUI in month of year. The decision I made to drive while impaired remains amongst the worst of my life. Thankfully, no person was injured. In a sentence or two explain how it is your only criminal offense and won't happen again.

-this won't bar you from practicing anywhere just don't do it again

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BarcaCrossesTheAlps
Posts: 408
Joined: Wed May 11, 2011 11:43 am

Re: Please critique my DUI addendum....

Postby BarcaCrossesTheAlps » Fri Dec 30, 2011 2:17 am

Great! Thanks a lot, guys. I will deep six all the needless stuff.... although I am sincere about the cops, my dad is one...but, if it sounds disingenuous, it's gone!

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please critique my DUI addendum....

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:52 pm

BarcaCrossesTheAlps wrote: In December of 2009, I was arrested for and pled guilty to drunk driving in the state of Mississippi. I paid a $xxx fine and served X days of community service. and, after pleading guilty, was convicted of DUI. I would like to briefly survey the events of that night for the admissions committee. At the end of the 2009 Fall semester, members of my school’s Philosophy Club decided to meet at a local steak house to speak about our present activities and future ambitions. During the course of our dinner together, I partook of alcoholic beverages. Unfortunately, I made the decision to drive home after the club meeting was over. I was pulled over, tested, arrested, and jailed for two days, as is mandatory in the state.
The decision I made to drive under those conditions remains the worst of my life. I am very grateful to the policemen who intervened; not only did the police act to protect the public, they protected me from my own actions. I can only imagine what could have happened that night if I was able to carry on operating my vehicle under those circumstances. Thankfully, no person was injured.
My decision to drive while intoxicated maintains an incredible hold over my everyday existence. It is important to me that the admissions committee understand
I recognize the damage my actions could have done. I would like to stress that in no way do I regard my DUI as an unimportant blemish on an otherwise clean criminal record. While I hope the committee views my arrest as an anomaly of character, please know that I realize the seriousness of driving under the influence of alcohol. I have not and will not repeat this mistake.
The decision making process of every applicant is made even more important by the fact we intend to practice our jobs in settings demanding the expression of an ethical and moral conduct representative of our society. In driving under the influence, I understand and wholly admit to the fact that I betrayed a sacred social contract. I continue to be ashamed of this betrayal, however, I also desire to carry my shame into the future in a positive manner. Being granted the ability to practice law would allow me the privilege of paying dues beyond fines and time served.[s]




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