My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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avd90
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My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby avd90 » Thu Dec 29, 2011 6:23 pm

deleted
Last edited by avd90 on Mon Jan 02, 2012 11:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

delusional
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby delusional » Thu Dec 29, 2011 6:27 pm

Not sure what you want as far as help. It is a compelling, personal topic, and I cannot imagine what you must have gone through. Other than a few turns of phrase, it is an excellent PS.

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avd90
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby avd90 » Thu Dec 29, 2011 6:28 pm

I guess I might need to make cuts/polish a bit. For two schools it needs to be around 900 words, so that's minus 100

rebexness
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby rebexness » Thu Dec 29, 2011 6:36 pm

Last edited by rebexness on Thu Nov 13, 2014 5:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

delusional
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby delusional » Thu Dec 29, 2011 6:41 pm

avd90 wrote:personal topic.... will speak for itself! :cry:
----
On November 4th, 2009, I went to bed an average, happy college sophomore; the next morning, everything changed. I found out that the FBI had entered our home in the early hours of the morning and taken my father – he was arrested for insider trading. As I drove four hours to the Manhattan Federal Courthouse, I struggled with the reality of the situation, and feared what it meant for my family and my future. I felt angry, confused, and powerless. It felt as though my future was completely out of my hands, and I was furious with some great unknown because of my pain. This anger and fear dissipated once I realized that I could exert agency through academic excellence and focus on my future, and I could best help my family through hard work.(If you have to take something out, that's as good a part as any. People will have an idea how you felt, and the motivation part is a little contrived.)

Fifty weeks later, Months later I sat with a jumbo cup of coffee, eyes itching for a respite, poring over a seemingly endless flow of legal documents regarding issues of wiretapping and spousal confidentiality. My history assignment collecting dust, I sent an email to my father’s defense counsel with ideas for the wiretap suppression hearing. Although I was very emotionally invested in one side of the case, I wanted to understand the case from an objective standpoint. In that moment, it became beautifully(use another adjective. Beautiful is too pretty.) clear that interpretation and application of the law was my calling. I realized a burning desire to become a constitutional lawyer equipped to limit the overstepping of authority in violation of basic rights. (IMHO that's too narrow. You can make the same point, more generally, about the law) With an altered worldview, I quickly shed my teenage egocentrism and I resolved to harnessed the energy from this experience for good.

Over time, I continued to take the long trip down to New York for each of my father’s hearings. Even as I experienced extraordinary fear and grief, I sat and observed the arguments, trying to appreciate the small nuances of each word and gesture. I soon learned that there was so much more I wanted to grasp, and I realized that I wanted to be on the other side of the courtroom. I wanted to understand why the judge decided to uphold the wiretaps and how judicial decisions are weighed in situations where there is no real legal precedent. This desire to better rationalize my own situation underscored the focus of my undergraduate honors thesis, in which I am investigating the effect of incarceration on families. As I research my thesis and see the real life implications of our corrections system, I have become even more inquisitive about the implications and power of the law. This voracity for knowledge has also me to law school, an essential step in my path towards becoming a constitutional lawyer(if you agree with my suggestion above, change this too), and towards understanding the way that the law affects our world. Specifically, law school offers the skills I need to comprehensively understand the underpinnings of the Constitution and critical legal mechanisms through which US citizens can exercise and protect their constitutional rights.

This transformation was aided by my participation in the PULSE program at----, which synthesizes philosophy with 15 hours of community service per week to expose students to social justice issues in a local context. The PULSE program helped me place my suffering and anger into context and channel these emotions into a positive outlet by mentoring high-risk girls at the ---. It was this experience that afforded access to the concept of social justice, and helped hone my interest in helping others. Moreover, PULSE led me to other social justice oriented activities, especially those involving women’s sexual and reproductive rights along with human rights issues in Israel and Palestine.

Since PULSE, I have gone on to become Vice President of Students for Justice in Palestine—a club focusing on social justice and human rights components of the Palestinian-Israeli Conflict. I was also part of the affiliated course that traveled to the region to witness the on-the-ground reality of the conflict. As a member of the unrecognized club, -- Students for Sexual Health, I have worked to inform students about sexual health issues and resources both on and off campus. Further, while living on campus, I served as a “safe site” where students could come for free contraception when needed. This was unique since --, a catholic school, does not recognize many clubs on campus, nor does it allow for on-campus sexual health services. Subsequently, through one of my courses in Berlin, I worked with Amadeu Antonio Stiftung, a group that works to end neo-Nazi violence. Such formative experiences ultimately reinforced my desire to protect and preserve the Constitution, by helping me to realize that my directed energies can have a real and positive effect on the world around me.

While my family trauma played a big part in the formation of my identity, it was merely the catalyst that sparked interests in the studies that have produced the woman I am today. As I look to the future, I want to work for the ACLU and ultimately argue a case to defend constitutional rights at the highest level. Further, I hope to one day apply the research I amass through my undergraduate honors thesis to help inform and reform sentencing matrices to include a more humanistic and family oriented undertone.

Looking back, my father’s arrest altered the very fabric of who I am, from my intellectual interests to the way I live my life, but it does not define my identity. I have risen out of the experience a changed woman, but not without agency and a sound sense of self. While it was often hard to go to classes and act normal with a family crisis, I understood that it is had become my responsibility to forge my own future and make the best of the opportunities with which I have been blessed. Under the guidance of incredible faculty mentors, I was able to push past my pain and take advantage of every opportunity available at --. It is now with this background, mindset, and focus that I aim to prove an asset to your law school program and a promising addition to the legal community overall.

One last note: It's not my business, but it might be worthwhile to display your objectivity by suggesting that you understand the opposing angle as well.

kublaikahn
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby kublaikahn » Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:03 am

When you talk about your "agency" you sound like a psuedo-intellectual trying to impress the reader with your education. Speak in plain English.

Sentences like this, in addition to missing words, don't say much. Do you really think you need to tell adcoms that law school is an essential step to becoming a lawyer?
This voracity for knowledge has also me to law school, an essential step in my path towards becoming a constitutional lawyer, and towards understanding the way that the law affects our world. Specifically, law school offers the skills I need to comprehensively understand the underpinnings of the Constitution and critical legal mechanisms through which US citizens can exercise and protect their constitutional rights.

And what is a critical legal underpinning? You are trying to sound impressive, but you waste the readers time with all the lofty BS.

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avd90
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby avd90 » Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:05 am

kublaikahn wrote:When you talk about your "agency" you sound like a psuedo-intellectual trying to impress the reader with your education. Speak in plain English.

Sentences like this, in addition to missing words, don't say much. Do you really think you need to tell adcoms that law school is an essential step to becoming a lawyer?
This voracity for knowledge has also me to law school, an essential step in my path towards becoming a constitutional lawyer, and towards understanding the way that the law affects our world. Specifically, law school offers the skills I need to comprehensively understand the underpinnings of the Constitution and critical legal mechanisms through which US citizens can exercise and protect their constitutional rights.

And what is a critical legal underpinning? You are trying to sound impressive, but you waste the readers time with all the lofty BS.



thanks. I sort of think the same way.. I just had my prelaw advisor basically shit on my earlier essay and tell me the most important thing is to say WHY LAW SCHOOL.. I think it's kinda bull. but yeah.

anonymous124
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby anonymous124 » Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:22 am

good statement...PM'd with suggestion

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catwomangirl
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby catwomangirl » Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:27 am

Really great topic.

Something to consider, though just an idea (grain of salt etc etc), would be sorta switching the first two paragraphs.

A better version, in your words, of this:

paragraph 1: Start in the moment with the coffee, poring over documents. This was a moment of change in my life.

paragraph 2: backstory

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avd90
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby avd90 » Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:31 am

catwomangirl wrote:Really great topic.

Something to consider, though just an idea (grain of salt etc etc), would be sorta switching the first two paragraphs.

A better version, in your words, of this:

paragraph 1: Start in the moment with the coffee, poring over documents. This was a moment of change in my life.

paragraph 2: backstory



BAH I totally agree, I actually had my essay structured that way, and the person looking at it changed it.... I'm beginning to regret going to this guy for advice.

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catwomangirl
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby catwomangirl » Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:41 am

avd90 wrote:
catwomangirl wrote:Really great topic.

Something to consider, though just an idea (grain of salt etc etc), would be sorta switching the first two paragraphs.

A better version, in your words, of this:

paragraph 1: Start in the moment with the coffee, poring over documents. This was a moment of change in my life.

paragraph 2: backstory



BAH I totally agree, I actually had my essay structured that way, and the person looking at it changed it.... I'm beginning to regret going to this guy for advice.



Similar kind of thing happened while I was writing my PS. Gotta trust your instincts!

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FratLaw
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby FratLaw » Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:53 am

I really enjoyed the first two paragraphs, but you kind of lost me with the third and fourth. It went from being a somewhat engaging PS to just another overwritten resume. Consider revising reducing paragraphs three and four.

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ugobabe86
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Re: My PS... please help guys! Very private topic

Postby ugobabe86 » Fri Dec 30, 2011 10:26 pm

Great Topic...really compelling. :D




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