Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
is_4_me
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri May 08, 2009 2:20 am

Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby is_4_me » Thu Dec 29, 2011 2:27 am

Please feel free to critique my personal statement. I feel it sounds like i'm solely explaining why I want to be a lawyer.. Not Sure.. All feedback is good feedback so feel free to critique with constructive criticism =)


Coming from a family where science and mathematics are the predominant way of thinking, I have stepped outside the box and ventured into unknown territory. The rationale and objectivity demanded within the legal profession came naturally throughout my college coursework in communication and philosophy. I enjoyed the analysis and depth of understanding of individuals and cultures that communications presented and was fascinated by the writings and knowledge that philosophy offered. Specifically, my Political Communication class and professor,*****, at the University of ***** were instrumental in guiding me towards law school, broadening my perception of American politics and the crucial role legal advocates play in advancing social justice.

The importance of helping those in need was instilled in me at a young age. During and after college, I volunteered with charity organizations such as the ***, providing emotional support to domestic violence survivors and offering women guidance in securing a safe living environment. Though this opportunity left me with a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, I wanted to be part of a movement to mobilize and benefit many. I therefore joined the *** Campaign, where I learnt that, through leadership and determination, it is possible to enthuse others to make change happen. Over several months, a variety of local businesses offered their assistance and support in organizing a fundraiser. Witnessing how everyone came together in support of a common goal inspired me. I observed the impact an individual can have on people when he or she has the people’s interest at heart, and that became the hallmark of my interest in pursuing social justice through the field of law.

Working towards something I believed in and seeing firsthand how ***’s rhetoric and policies impacted women and families reinforced my desire to attend law school. This interest was further strengthened with each volunteer endeavor I undertook. While volunteering at a family violence clinic, I recognized my ability to help those who require assistance due to social injustice. In this capacity, I interacted with women from low-income neighborhoods, many of whom are immigrants from ****. I saw the day-to-day challenges disadvantaged women face as they strive to protect their children and themselves; many of these women had no sense of security, living in homes that provided no sanctuary for them or their children. These individuals made me aware of the need for legislative and legal action on their behalf. Working with them has prepared me to tackle pressing social and legal issues, while intensifying my desire to join the legal profession.

_______ University offers opportunities that allow students to interact with faculty and individuals in the community. The respected faculty and their accessibility to students are essential to both students and the university’s success. The continuous expansion of various programs offered to legal students enables them to gain experience and knowledge required in the legal profession. For example, ______, ________________.

Growing up in ***, I have been immersed in the multifaceted ideas and individual viewpoints of its diverse demographics. ______ significant contribution to the community and those in need is something I strongly believe in. My commitment to equality and to the people and organizations that help those in need underlies my interest in the legal profession and my desire to pursue public service. I want to acquire a greater understanding of the opportunities and limitations of the law, so that I can use that knowledge proactively to promote a greater sense of the legal system that shapes our lives, directly or collaterally.

My aspiration to pursue a career in law invigorates me on a daily basis, given my admiration for the impact law has on a society and the influence of adept lawmakers. Stepping outside the box has allowed me to understand attorneys' profound responsibility to society, given their ability to impact individuals’ lives. I am confident the comprehensive education offered at _____ Law School will enable me to venture into the world with the correct moral and ethical standpoint, which in turn will allow me to identify with all who live in our ever developing and diverse society.

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icecold3000
Posts: 213
Joined: Mon Dec 13, 2010 10:50 am

Re: Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby icecold3000 » Thu Dec 29, 2011 12:14 pm

1. The introduction paragraph is the opposite of hooking. You would probably lose many readers in the first 2 or 3 sentences.
2. The second and third paragraphs reads like resume dumps.
3. Your conclusion makes you seem naive and/or uninformed.

If I were you, I would focus on one of the aspects you mentioned in the body and leave the other stuff on your resume. Also, your conclusion would come across better if you made it a bit more personal and less "I want to save the world by becoming super lawyer."

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Eirhoff73
Posts: 43
Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:26 pm

Re: Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby Eirhoff73 » Thu Dec 29, 2011 12:59 pm

Coming from a family where science and mathematics are the predominant way of thinking, I have stepped outside the box and ventured into unknown territory. The rationale and objectivity demanded within the legal profession came naturally throughout my college coursework in communication and philosophy. I enjoyed the analysis and depth of understanding of individuals and cultures that communications presented and was fascinated by the writings and knowledge that philosophy offered. Specifically, my Political Communication class and professor,*****, at the University of ***** were instrumental in guiding me towards law school, broadening my perception of American politics and the crucial role legal advocates play in advancing social justice.

The importance of helping those in need was instilled in me at a young age. During and after college, I volunteered with charity organizations such as the ***, providing emotional support to domestic violence survivors and offering women guidance in securing a safe living environment. Though this opportunity left me with a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, I wanted to be part of a movement to mobilize and benefit many. I therefore joined the *** Campaign, where I learnt that, through leadership and determination, it is possible to enthuse others to make change happen. Over several months, a variety of local businesses offered their assistance and support in organizing a fundraiser. Witnessing how everyone came together in support of a common goal inspired me. I observed the impact an individual can have on people when he or she has the people’s interest at heart, and that became the hallmark of my interest in pursuing social justice through the field of law.

Working towards something I believed in and seeing firsthand how ***’s rhetoric and policies impacted women and families reinforced my desire to attend law school. This interest was further strengthened with each volunteer endeavor I undertook. While volunteering at a family violence clinic, I recognized my ability to help those who require assistance due to social injustice. In this capacity, I interacted with women from low-income neighborhoods, many of whom are immigrants from ****. I saw the day-to-day challenges disadvantaged women face as they strive to protect their children and themselves; many of these women had no sense of security, living in homes that provided no sanctuary for them or their children. These individuals made me aware of the need for legislative and legal action on their behalf. Working with them has prepared me to tackle pressing social and legal issues, while intensifying my desire to join the legal profession.

_______ University offers opportunities that allow students to interact with faculty and individuals in the community. The respected faculty and their accessibility to students are essential to both students and the university’s success. The continuous expansion of various programs offered to legal students enables them to gain experience and knowledge required in the legal profession. For example, ______, ________________.

Growing up in ***, I have been immersed in the multifaceted ideas and individual viewpoints of its diverse demographics. ______ significant contribution to the community and those in need is something I strongly believe in. My commitment to equality and to the people and organizations that help those in need underlies my interest in the legal profession and my desire to pursue public service. I want to acquire a greater understanding of the opportunities and limitations of the law, so that I can use that knowledge proactively to promote a greater sense of the legal system that shapes our lives, directly or collaterally.

My aspiration to pursue a career in law invigorates me on a daily basis, given my admiration for the impact law has on a society and the influence of adept lawmakers. Stepping outside the box has allowed me to understand attorneys' profound responsibility to society, given their ability to impact individuals’ lives. I am confident the comprehensive education offered at _____ Law School will enable me to venture into the world with the correct moral and ethical standpoint, which in turn will allow me to identify with all who live in our ever developing and diverse society.

My family, with their science and mathematics backgrounds, were shocked to see that I have stepped outside the box and ventured into unknown territory. Nobody in my family has any kind of law background. However, the rationale and objectivity demanded within the legal profession has came naturally to me throughout my college coursework in communication and philosophy. I enjoy the analysis and depth of understanding of individuals and cultures that communications presented and was fascinated by the writings and knowledge that philosophy offered. Specifically, my Political Communication coursework and professor,*****, at the University of ***** were instrumental in guiding me towards law school, broadening my perception and overall understanding of American politics and the crucial role legal advocates play in advancing social justice.

I have always understood the importance of helping those in need. Over the years, I have taken several opportunities to volunteer with charity organizations such as the ***, providing emotional support to domestic violence survivors and offering women guidance in securing a safe living environment. It is this opportunity that left me with a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, I wanted to be part of a movement to mobilize and benefit those, of which I share my community. I therefore joined the *** Campaign, where I come to understand that, through leadership and determination, it is possible to encourage others to make change happen. During the ******** of 200*, a variety of local businesses offered their assistance and support in organizing a fundraiser. Witnessing and participating in the collective effort in support of a common community goal inspired me. I observed the impact an individual can have on people when he or she has the community interest at heart, and that has become the hallmark of my interest in pursuing social justice through the field of law. It is this that reminds me of a quote from Margaret Mead. She said,“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”

Working towards something I believed in and seeing firsthand how ***’s rhetoric and policies impacted women and families reinforced my desire to attend law school. This interest was further strengthened with each volunteer endeavors I've undertaken. While volunteering at a family violence clinic, I recognized my ability to help those who require assistance due to social injustice. It is in this capacity, that I interacted with women from low-income neighborhoods, many of whom are immigrants and poorly versed in English. I saw the day-to-day challenges disadvantaged women face as they strive to protect their children and themselves; many of these women had no sense of security, living in homes that provided no sanctuary for their children or themselves. These individuals made me aware of the need for legislative and legal action on their behalf. Working with them has prepared me to take on the burden of pressing social and legal issues, while intensifying my desire to join the legal profession.

As you are likely aware, ******** University offers opportunities that allow students to interact with not only faculty but individuals in the community as well. The respected faculty and their accessibility to students are essential to students success. In turn, this assures the success of graduates with vision, such as mine, that wish to help shape the social landscape for justice.

Growing up in ***, I have been immersed in the multifaceted ideas and individual viewpoints of its diverse demographics. ______ significant contribution to the community and those in need is something I strongly believe in. My commitment to equality and to the people and organizations that help those in need underlies my interest in the legal profession and my desire to pursue public service. I want to acquire a greater understanding of the opportunities and limitations of the law, so that I can use that knowledge proactively to promote a greater sense of the legal system that shapes our lives, directly or collaterally.

My aspiration to pursue a career in law invigorates me on a daily basis, given my admiration for the impact law has on a society and the influence of adept lawmakers. Stepping outside the box has allowed me to understand attorneys' profound responsibility to society, given their ability to impact individuals’ lives. I am confident the comprehensive education offered at _____ Law School will enable me to venture into the world with the correct moral and ethical standpoint, which in turn will allow me to identify with all who live in our ever developing and diverse society.


Try not to tell the dean about his own school. I'm sure that he's aware of his programs. Otherwise, with the limited time that I have here for editing, this is how I might word it. Good luck and watch your double spacing after sentences.

hooma
Posts: 213
Joined: Tue Jan 11, 2011 5:33 pm

Re: Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby hooma » Thu Dec 29, 2011 1:29 pm

One thing I kept telling myself in writing my personal statement was "show, don't tell." Instead of saying that a class guided you toward law school or that you learned that hard work enabled change, show how through an anecdote. Also, the placement of the sentence about your class (the last in the first paragraph) makes it seem like it is the thesis, but you never return to it again. I would probably cut it, or else use it in your conclusion. But you have to do more than just say it guided you, show how.

Science and mathematics are not ways of thinking. Did your family hold these pursuits to be the most worthwhile? Did you have to overcome that expectation? If you are trying to convey that you want to be a lawyer in spite of the fact that it was not the path laid out for you, you should explain it (only if this is the central purpose of your essay).

I think you have a lot of good ideas in here, perhaps too many. I would choose one shaping experience, maybe your working with the domestic violence clinic, and tell a story about one specific instance that best demonstrates what you got out of the experience.
Last edited by hooma on Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Personal Statement- PLEASE CRITIQUE

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:16 pm

Start over. Find a topic and theme and stick to it. Vary your writing style to make it more interesting. You start all but the last paragraph with a gerund.

Tighten up your writing. Math and science are not ways of thinking.

I enjoyed the analysis and depth of understanding of individuals and cultures that communications presented and was fascinated by the writings and knowledge that philosophy offered. Specifically, my Political Communication class and professor,*****, at the University of ***** were instrumental in guiding me towards law school, broadening my perception of American politics and the crucial role legal advocates play in advancing social justice.
This is your topic sentence. Is this what you discuss in you essay? You need to block and tackle. Find a topic and state it clearly in the opening paragraph. Use a story to provide support for your thesis.




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