Please Critique and provide feedback.. Thank you

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bobbyb10
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:16 am

Please Critique and provide feedback.. Thank you

Postby bobbyb10 » Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:19 am

My family, friends and colleagues often tease me about how difficult I am to impress. I was once told that a person would have an easier time sneezing with their eyes open than leaving an impression on me. What can I say? I’m a tough customer. I rarely give standing ovations and seldom use superlatives. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not numb to the wonderful talents, attributes and knowledge that people have to offer; I’m just not stopped in my tracks, swept off my feet or inspired by something that someone does or says very often. When it happens though, the effects are life altering.
In 2003, Sweeney Murti, the New York Yankees beat reporter for WFAN 660, addressed a crowded room of Penn State communications students. He said, “radio is a really strange business, there’s a very narrow door and very few people control what gets played.” His comments amplified my heart rate and made the tiny hairs on my neck erect. I was inspired. The idea of getting through that “narrow door” and being one of the “few people” stirred my insides. My life changed after hearing what Murti had to say. Having a career in radio became my obsession. I was on a mission to “control what gets played” and be a success in this “really strange business.”
On Tuesday, November 12, 2011 the CBS Broadcast Center was abuzz over the Penn State child abuse sex scandal. Details of the multi-layered and sorted story were emerging every second and the adrenaline levels of those in the media, who were covering it, had seriously spiked. Our college football schedule, which was put together two months prior, included that Saturday’s Penn State football game against Nebraska, the school’s first since the explosive scandal surrounding its football program was uncovered. As the producer for the national radio broadcast of the game, I would “control” what millions of listeners would hear when they tuned into one of the most unique events in the history of collegiate athletics. I was excited.
Producing this particular broadcast came with an unusual set of challenges. Because of the sexual abuse allegations, the firing of head coach Joe Paterno and the riots that took place on campus, I was faced with the challenge of keeping the sordid mess that unfolded at Penn State in balance with the actual description of the game. I urged the on-air talent to be fair to the game. It was imperative to provide listeners, who were tuning in for football, with quality commentary, insight and analysis regarding the matchup and play on the field. However, it was key to acknowledge, report and tastefully comment on the allegations, the victims, the student protests and the developments involving Paterno. I stressed balance, professionalism and sensitivity. Delivering nuanced, effective and thoughtful coverage to the audience was the goal.
It was a strong radio production. We were able to effectively portray the heartache surrounding the university and victims without losing sight of the football game. I was proud of how the broadcast turned out and so were the announcers. As the producer, I led my crew, under complicated circumstances, to success. We provided a nationwide audience with excellent coverage of an extraordinary event.
Two years ago, I met with Sandy Montag, the Senior VP and Managing Director of IMG Broadcasting. He represents some of the premier sports broadcasters in the business. I told him that I wanted to do more than produce broadcasters. I explained how I wanted to represent them, sell them and help their careers thrive. I asked him how I could transition into talent management. He advised me to “get clients.” I tackled the assigned task with intense zest and determination. I found that broadcasters respect my hard work, honesty, opinions, guidance, ideas, competence, integrity, effort and diligence. They trust my judgment, respond well to my coaching and feel comfortable with my ability to successfully land them jobs. However, most of them are uneasy about my lack of knowledge in contract law and my inexperience drawing up and reviewing contracts. It’s usually cited as the main reason why they won’t put their careers in my hands. Since my conversation with Montag, I have yet to “get clients.” It’s time for that to change.
Like I said, when someone says something that stops me in my tracks or inspires me, the effects are life altering. Montag’s comments inspired me to do whatever it takes to become a broadcast agent. It’s time that I alter my life in order for this to come true. Acquiring a law degree and mastering the intricacies of law is the direction I want to follow. My commitment to this ambition is staunch and won’t waver. I’m one of the “few people”, I got through the “narrow door”, I “control what gets played” and I was successful in this “really strange business.” I have no doubt that I will “get clients.” Being admitted into your law program is the first of many steps that I must take in order to accomplish this goal. I hope you choose to take it with me

User avatar
Eirhoff73
Posts: 43
Joined: Mon Dec 19, 2011 8:26 pm

Re: Please Critique and provide feedback.. Thank you

Postby Eirhoff73 » Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:33 am

bobbyb10 wrote:My family, friends and colleagues often tease me about how difficult I am to impress. I was once told that a person would have an easier time sneezing with their eyes open than leaving an impression on me. What can I say? I’m a tough customer. I rarely give standing ovations and seldom use superlatives. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not numb to the wonderful talents, attributes and knowledge that people have to offer; I’m just not stopped in my tracks, swept off my feet or inspired by something that someone does or says very often. When it happens though, the effects are life altering.
In 2003, Sweeney Murti, the New York Yankees beat reporter for WFAN 660, addressed a crowded room of Penn State communications students. He said, “radio is a really strange business, there’s a very narrow door and very few people control what gets played.” His comments amplified my heart rate and made the tiny hairs on my neck erect. I was inspired. The idea of getting through that “narrow door” and being one of the “few people” stirred my insides. My life changed after hearing what Murti had to say. Having a career in radio became my obsession. I was on a mission to “control what gets played” and be a success in this “really strange business.”
On Tuesday, November 12, 2011 the CBS Broadcast Center was abuzz over the Penn State child abuse sex scandal. Details of the multi-layered and sorted story were emerging every second and the adrenaline levels of those in the media, who were covering it, had seriously spiked. Our college football schedule, which was put together two months prior, included that Saturday’s Penn State football game against Nebraska, the school’s first since the explosive scandal surrounding its football program was uncovered. As the producer for the national radio broadcast of the game, I would “control” what millions of listeners would hear when they tuned into one of the most unique events in the history of collegiate athletics. I was excited.
Producing this particular broadcast came with an unusual set of challenges. Because of the sexual abuse allegations, the firing of head coach Joe Paterno and the riots that took place on campus, I was faced with the challenge of keeping the sordid mess that unfolded at Penn State in balance with the actual description of the game. I urged the on-air talent to be fair to the game. It was imperative to provide listeners, who were tuning in for football, with quality commentary, insight and analysis regarding the matchup and play on the field. However, it was key to acknowledge, report and tastefully comment on the allegations, the victims, the student protests and the developments involving Paterno. I stressed balance, professionalism and sensitivity. Delivering nuanced, effective and thoughtful coverage to the audience was the goal.
It was a strong radio production. We were able to effectively portray the heartache surrounding the university and victims without losing sight of the football game. I was proud of how the broadcast turned out and so were the announcers. As the producer, I led my crew, under complicated circumstances, to success. We provided a nationwide audience with excellent coverage of an extraordinary event.
Two years ago, I met with Sandy Montag, the Senior VP and Managing Director of IMG Broadcasting. He represents some of the premier sports broadcasters in the business. I told him that I wanted to do more than produce broadcasters. I explained how I wanted to represent them, sell them and help their careers thrive. I asked him how I could transition into talent management. He advised me to “get clients.” I tackled the assigned task with intense zest and determination. I found that broadcasters respect my hard work, honesty, opinions, guidance, ideas, competence, integrity, effort and diligence. They trust my judgment, respond well to my coaching and feel comfortable with my ability to successfully land them jobs. However, most of them are uneasy about my lack of knowledge in contract law and my inexperience drawing up and reviewing contracts. It’s usually cited as the main reason why they won’t put their careers in my hands. Since my conversation with Montag, I have yet to “get clients.” It’s time for that to change.
Like I said, when someone says something that stops me in my tracks or inspires me, the effects are life altering. Montag’s comments inspired me to do whatever it takes to become a broadcast agent. It’s time that I alter my life in order for this to come true. Acquiring a law degree and mastering the intricacies of law is the direction I want to follow. My commitment to this ambition is staunch and won’t waver. I’m one of the “few people”, I got through the “narrow door”, I “control what gets played” and I was successful in this “really strange business.” I have no doubt that I will “get clients.” Being admitted into your law program is the first of many steps that I must take in order to accomplish this goal. I hope you choose to take it with me


If I ever have a radio program...I'd insist that you represent me. I bet you could get me syndicated. Very good. I thought that the sneezing with my eyes open line was a little odd, but that's not to say that it was bad. I was an attention getter. Good luck.

thederangedwang
Posts: 1124
Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 9:44 pm

Re: Please Critique and provide feedback.. Thank you

Postby thederangedwang » Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:41 am

Overall it is very strong and I like it. There are issues with it.

some minor grammar and editing stuff, check with a editor to solve those. Get rid of contractions, I'm=I am.

There is one part the kinda sorta bugs me. The message/tone I kind of got in the last paragraph is slightly condescending...like "I'm going to do this, I hope you do this with me, if not, then fuck you".......it's very slight...very very slight...but it did put me off a little bit. Who knows, I might be alone on this.

Also, too many quotes, you dont have to quote all of these words/phrases

User avatar
paratactical
Posts: 5961
Joined: Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:06 pm

Re: Please Critique and provide feedback.. Thank you

Postby paratactical » Wed Dec 28, 2011 12:47 am

This is really poorly written. You use ineffective sentence fragments as whole sentences. You use the word "sorted" when you mean "sordid." The "I'm not easily impressed" thing sounds canned. You're talking about child abuse and how "excited" you are over the opportunity it presented to you. I think this essay makes you com across poorly.

This isn't necessarily a bad topic, but you're really going about it the wrong way. I would recommend starting directly with the broadcast against Nebraska and how working on the program reminded you of Sweeney Murti. Go straight into that and be more specific, not generic. What did you do beyond "stress[ing] balance, professionalism and sensitivity"? How, exactly, are you the one who stressed these things? What about your coverage made it nuanced, effective and thoughtful? You don't demonstrate that you actually managed to do this - you just tell us that you did and expect utter belief. Pick a point of controversy from prepping for the broadcast that you made a decision on and focus on that. Use a single decision you made to give us a better idea of what you mean.

Also, between Murti and Montag, you could possibly come across as trying to drop names. I don't think Montag is important to the story. On the other hand, I could see dropping the PSU scandal entirely and finding a great essay focusing on a potential client that wouldn't give you their career and making a narrative out of that.

This isn't a terrible rough draft, but you've got a lot of work to do.

keg411
Posts: 5935
Joined: Tue Apr 21, 2009 9:10 pm

Re: Please Critique and provide feedback.. Thank you

Postby keg411 » Wed Dec 28, 2011 1:08 am

I really think this essay needs a lot of work. The only thing I get from it is that you want to work in broadcasting and I don't get how it's relevant to law school at all (in fact, after reading it, I think you should stick with broadcasting and forget about law school, because I get the sense that's what you really want to do). The "get clients" part also makes no sense since you even say you aren't doing this.

Also, the "no paragraphs" thing made it almost impossible to read and the story went all over the place. Please do not submit this. It is really bad.

kublaikahn
Posts: 647
Joined: Wed Feb 09, 2011 12:47 am

Re: Please Critique and provide feedback.. Thank you

Postby kublaikahn » Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:40 pm

This is a good story and can be an excellent PS. You need to improve the writing. I get the sense that you like the part about not being easily impressed but that does not relate to the story of the speaker. The speaker is not what impressed you. You were motivated by the idea of doing something difficult and extraordinary. That is not the same as being impressed by someone. In addition, the fact that you are not easily impressed can be read negatively. Maybe you are arrogant.

When you get to the part about IMG, you make some broad claims about people trusting you which are unsupported. Reading that, I would say you are naive and have an inflated view of the interactions you had with broadcasters. My guess is they were patronizing you. You should rewrite this to show that you investigated what Sandy said and began to form relationships with broadcasters (that you still maintain.) Let the reader know that the broadcasters reinforced your desire to practice law. But tell a story; do not just provide a list of your self-described attributes.

ETA: Don't be a name dropper. It is sufficient to say you met with an executive at IMG. Unless of course, Montag gave you an LOR.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.