Is this a good start to my ps

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Sesi329
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Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 8:57 pm

Is this a good start to my ps

Postby Sesi329 » Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:20 pm

edit
Last edited by Sesi329 on Mon Apr 23, 2012 5:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

thederangedwang
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby thederangedwang » Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:26 pm

Sesi329 wrote:I changed my introduction up a bit. My first introduction is a few posts down. Is this a better way to catch your attention? or can i not start this way? thank you!

Suddenly, there was, first, a flash. The light came before the sound. It was July 3rd 2005, I had just finished driving three hours away to go to my friend’s cabin in northern Michigan. We were celebrating Independence Day. As soon as I got out of the car my friend rushed me over to some empty fields. He wanted to show me something. It was a 10 pound firework. The largest I had ever seen.


you almost had more punctuation in that sentence than actual words.

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TommyK
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby TommyK » Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:38 pm

Sesi329 wrote:Suddenly, there was, first,a flash. The light came before the sound.


Removing unnecessary punctuation and obviously the flash will arrive before the sound... because y'know... the whole speed of light thing being pretty quick.

Sesi329 wrote:It was a 10 pound firework., The the largest I had ever seen.


changing sentence fragment to part of original sentence.

Could be a fine opening. Could be a horrible one. Too hard to tell at this point. So far, my attention isn't really grabbed just because something loud popped. You have to give me a bigger hook than that.

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JoeMo
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby JoeMo » Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:49 pm

Sorry, just no.

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MachineLemon
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby MachineLemon » Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:52 pm

Could you give us an idea of where this is heading? Right now, it seems headed toward horrific injury or arrest for possessing illegal fireworks. I hope neither, but your intense intro makes me expect a dramatic outcome. If I am wrong, you may be overselling it.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Dec 27, 2011 2:23 pm

Although it's difficult to judge only a small portion of one's PS, this doesn't work because it is not interesting.

JasonR
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby JasonR » Tue Dec 27, 2011 3:18 pm

Sesi329 wrote:It was July 3rd 2005, I had just finished driving three hours away to go to my friend’s cabin in northern Michigan.


Among the other issues with this intro, you need to fix this comma splice. These are two separate sentences.

TylerM wrote:Could you give us an idea of where this is heading? Right now, it seems headed toward horrific injury or arrest for possessing illegal fireworks. I hope neither, but your intense intro makes me expect a dramatic outcome. If I am wrong, you may be overselling it.


Horrific injury. See other posts.

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Dany
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby Dany » Tue Dec 27, 2011 3:30 pm

It is not.

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Haymarket
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby Haymarket » Tue Dec 27, 2011 3:33 pm

Your, first sentence, sounds like, the acting, of, William, Shatner.

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thelawschoolproject
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby thelawschoolproject » Tue Dec 27, 2011 3:58 pm

Nope.

Try again.

Also, you don't have to begin your PS with some short overly-dramatic sentence for it to be effective.

062914123
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Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby 062914123 » Tue Dec 27, 2011 4:01 pm

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Last edited by 062914123 on Sun Jun 29, 2014 5:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sesi329
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Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 8:57 pm

Re: Is this a good start to my ps

Postby Sesi329 » Tue Dec 27, 2011 4:04 pm

Thanks everyone!




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