PS please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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anna86
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PS please critique

Postby anna86 » Mon Dec 26, 2011 6:48 pm

deleted
Last edited by anna86 on Fri Jun 24, 2016 1:09 pm, edited 4 times in total.

sparty99
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Joined: Sat Dec 11, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: PS please critique

Postby sparty99 » Mon Dec 26, 2011 7:24 pm

I didn't read all of this, got kind of bored with it.

What I did read, you talked about a lot of stuff.

Weird sentences, speak clearly. "Admitted at the ratio of one “buryat” to ten “russkiy,”" - this doesn't mean anything.

"The word “skinheads” ran through my head and terrifying fear bound my movements" - bound my movements? What the hell does that mean.

"The country of my destination was something that goes without saying." - what? Stop speaking in metaphors.

"Fear and frustration had taken over my family at that time" - what? HOw does fear and frustration do that?

"With a strong determination to meet every challenge head on" - "head on" - what the hell does that mean? SPeak clearly, stop this metaphor stuff.

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anna86
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Joined: Fri Sep 02, 2011 12:34 am

Re: PS please critique

Postby anna86 » Tue Dec 27, 2011 3:38 pm

Thank you for your critique.
Last edited by anna86 on Sat Mar 31, 2012 5:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

nkp007
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Re: PS please critique

Postby nkp007 » Tue Dec 27, 2011 4:00 pm

Honestly, I thought this was great. While you can tighten up the language in a couple areas, I think you tell a compelling story that provides a foundation for your interest in law.

The country of my destination was something that goes without saying.
- just say it.

Indelible memories of discrimination in childhood proved to be most influential for me and soon inspired my decision to enroll into a program of professional re-training to study jurisprudence.
- clunky language

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anna86
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Re: PS please critique

Postby anna86 » Tue Dec 27, 2011 10:51 pm

Thanks

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Dec 27, 2011 11:47 pm

This is a very well written &, in my opinion, effective law school personal statement essay. My only concern is that it is too well written since English is not your first language.




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