please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
imalongshot
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 10:59 pm

please critique

Postby imalongshot » Sun Dec 25, 2011 7:15 am

Thanks for the feedback, folks. Much appreciated.
Last edited by imalongshot on Tue Dec 27, 2011 1:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: please critique

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Dec 25, 2011 1:16 pm

DELETE: "I demand answers."

Why use semi-colons in the first paragraph ?

ADD: "my" to make "...captured my every movement...".

The final sentence is weak.

imalongshot
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 10:59 pm

Re: please critique

Postby imalongshot » Mon Dec 26, 2011 6:36 am

Thank you. Any other feedback?




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