Critique Needed on Personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Critique Needed on Personal Statement

Postby khendel » Fri Dec 23, 2011 11:58 am

Hey everyone, I'm in the early rough stages of my personal statement and was looking for some advice. I am trying to make sure I'm headed in the right direction. All comments welcome. Thanks!

Thanks for the comments, I am currently editing it and will post the new version soon.
Last edited by khendel on Fri Dec 23, 2011 10:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Critique Needed on Personal Statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Dec 23, 2011 12:01 pm

Delete the second paragraph. I only read a few other paragraphs. This is a very poorly done essay. Explain how music affected you instead of just telling.

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Re: Critique Needed on Personal Statement

Postby bmore » Fri Dec 23, 2011 12:12 pm

Sorry, I couldn't get through it.

The word "music" chaged you life?

Huh? "which made each obstacle I had encountered to have a greater meaning and purpose"

Again, huh? "but when I discovered music I felt alive inside for the first time " And this is next to a statement about how your life was unstable, not dead.

You keep saying how it changed your life but you offer no evidence.

"For the next year I battled myself trying" Who won????

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