Personal Statement Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Mon Oct 10, 2011 5:12 pm

Personal Statement Critique

Postby Ghox » Fri Dec 23, 2011 1:57 am

All advice/criticism is welcome.
I personally do not think it is persuasive enough, but I need some input here.
I'm not too sensitive so go ahead and tear it apart if need be :arrow:

I once lived in a two story, brick house, on a hill in Bosnia. One quiet evening I was instructed to leave. As I ventured uphill making my way into the nearby woods the flames had progressed to the second story. I spent that autumn night inside a hollow tree holding my eighteen month old brother in my arms, humming a lullaby I barely knew, while gently rocking back and forth. I eventually surrendered all attempts to wipe our persistent tears and spent the majority of the night preparing to defend us in case a hungry wild boar happened to pay us a visit. My mother had a gun but she would never shoot it; it was my fifth birthday and my first war.

That night the Balkans ruptured with unrelenting hatred amongst the various ethnic neighbors who, enticed to action by their political leaders, declared war on each other and changed the course of my life. At the break of dawn we cautiously journeyed out of the woods into an uncertain future.

The war brought about circumstances which insisted that I comply with surrendering my free will, in exchange for acceptance into the viciously oppressive environment filled with hatred and hypocrisy. Nationalism and religion were fused into a dangerously efficient weapon used by the corrupt politicians and criminals to fulfill their self interests at the expense of society. Considering a kid like me possessed no control over the enduring economic aftershock of the conflicts, in order to subdue progression of consequential detrimental psychological effects, I had to cautiously pick what little beneficial knowledge there was for a kid to absorb; amidst all the propaganda. Initially this knowledge mainly consisted of basic survival skills involving hygiene, nourishment, and human behavior.

At the age of ten however I sought a different kind of knowledge, after countless prayers and unexplainable incidents, I began to question the existence of “God” and his indifference to transgressions of our world. On a quest for truth and clarity I attempted and successfully read the Torah; however, I lost a friend and received dire punishment from my father after eventually being caught reading the Qur'an. At the time, it was expected of me to be an obedient Christian-Orthodox kid and blindly resent the opposing side, which was Islam, and to resent it with all my heart and pride. My eventual comprehension of these scriptures, combined with my life experiences, would significantly guide me in better understanding and respecting myself, history, as well as the disposition and actions of the various cultures across the globe.

It was the eventual decisive action of my parents to immigrate to the United Stated that saved me from further experiencing the enduring chaos. On the plane my father and I had a conversation which I will never forget. My grandfather had died before my father ever had a chance to say his name; besides us, his mother was all he had. Inquisitive to know, I asked him about my grandmother, who we couldn’t take with us, and when she would come to live with us in the United States. I waited briefly for a response and as I turned my head towards him I could see the tears in his eyes, he turned and said to me, “son, you have seen the world, now go and change it.” In addition to relocating us to the United States, those words are the greatest gift my stern father has ever given me.

My initial integration into the inner city locality of ________ cannot be described as a simple culture shock; arrival on a new planet would be more suited. Not only was I one of the few light skinned kids in the neighborhood, but I was considered an outcast as a result. I was involved in numerous confrontations and never truly knew why, I left everything behind in hopes of a better life only to be unwelcome and frowned upon, it was the most unbearable feeling I had ever experienced, yet the one I cherish the most for it forced me to dig deep inside of myself and attempt to find an answer.

In Europe I had experienced religious and ethnic intolerance; here I was experiencing racial discrimination firsthand in the 21st century. So I embraced this challenge and many more that followed, and took it upon myself to make as many friends out of foes as possible. I was so interested in the diversity of the United States that I began absorbing everything I could get my hands on; I read books and watched TV as if it was a competition. As a result I was better equipped to express my beliefs in the proper context and I formed lifelong friends of all colors and ethnic backgrounds whom I feel very privileged to have in my life.

As for the politicians and criminals who chose to sacrifice not only their morals and values, but the lives of thousands of innocent people, most of them were caught and rightfully put to trial. This process was truly an eye opening experience for me. After irreversible actions on the part of the criminals, after everything is said and done, these same people are put on trial!? I couldn’t comprehend it, why were they given a chance to defend themselves, were not the lives of murdered innocent civilians treated as indisputable evidence!?

My brothers and I would watch the trials of these war criminals as if they were soap operas. We would engage in debate over witnesses, truthfulness of statements, and the overall verdict. Through these trials we learned a lot about reason and justice, but most of all, we learned a lot about each other. For us every hearing was a journey through time, emotions ran high when false statements were made; pain would ensue when the accusations would bring up past events. We were a sight to behold, the three of us in front of the small TV screen, our Nintendo gaming system still turned on, for we were planning on continuing the game; after the trial segment ends.

My mother instilled in me the love for life. An unconditional, selfless love, the kind she exemplifies every single day. During the war everyone used to say that she was their ray of sunshine. I returned the favor by accomplishing what she had always dreamed of, finishing college. The look on her face at my commencement ceremony was worth more than any diploma I could ever receive. My father instilled in me the value of honesty and an exceptional work ethic. Through college I found a job and took care of myself, I hesitated to ever even think to ask for their hard earned minimum wage paychecks. They did more than enough for me by sacrificing their lives so that my brothers and I may have a chance to live a life they could only dream of.

I believe myself to be extremely fortunate to have such unorthodox life experiences. In conjunction with my ideological beliefs they have fueled me to pursue my dreams and have given me the opportunity to be in a situation in which I can be of assistance to others. The resilience which has helped me overcome all former obstacles and pursue a brighter future will certainly assist me in my determination to practice law. In joining the field of law my objective is to leave a positive impact on my community and integrate with it, to be a difference maker, and an advocate for justice. At the end of the day we are all in this together, trying to figure it all out.

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