Tanicius wrote:Okay, look. This PS isn't "risky." Risky implies there is a chance of high reward, that someone will read it and go, "Whoa, this was dangerous, but I can see why he did it." This PS isn't risky - it's just full of things you ought to not have in it. Don't talk about other schools, don't pile on meaningless adjectives and plead with them to believe that you are being extra special honest with a cherry on top. It won't work.
1st- does the fact that it's not a PS change anything? It's a "Why X" essay.
2nd- yes, the "HYS" thing did strike me as potentially risky/dangerous, with the risk being perhaps a little laugh, and the danger being...well... you know. I'm getting rid of it.
3rd- what specifically (other than the egregious stuff, the "dangerous" stuff) would you get rid of?
BTW, did I just piss off some secret T14 cult? This essay brought the haters out!
Alright, glad you're on board with the HYS paragraph being cut. This first one also needs to go:
"At the risk of sounding dramatic, I can positively, unequivocally, and sincerely assert that University California Irvine Law School is my priority choice for legal education, and were I offered seats at Yale, Harvard, and Stanford, even with generous scholarships, I would turn them all down in favor of UCI Law School. I am aware that this statement may be misconstrued as hyperbole. However, if one were to compare my history to the mission of UCI Law School, they would find that this statement is actually quite supported."
When you explicitly acknowledge a risk or weakness in the structure or rhetoric of an essay, all it does it cause the reader to nod along and say, "You're right, this sure does sound ridiculous. Thanks for telling me not to believe you before we get to anything substantial." I'm not trying to hate on you - that's just the way it will be read.
Piling on a ton of adverbs that all mean the same thing won't cause your readers to pay special attention - they'll just tune out because repeating the same meaning with different words doesn't say anything that makes your essay more credible. By the time you stop begging them to believe you and make the claim that your desire to go to UCI is in fact "well supported," you're just stringing along on empty words. Don't tell us that you want to go there - show us.
Your second paragraph is a much better starting point. To strengthen what you say and truly show your interest, come up with some actual examples that demonstrate what you're talking about. What does a "stated emphasis on public interest law" mean? Is there a speech or certain faculty member you're familiar with? Those kinds of examples add a depth of credibility and make them believe that you actually know some things about their school because you care.